its my blog and i'll whine if i want to

i feel:

-guilty for booking preschool on monday mornings because it makes it too big of a day (too much activity) for my daughter and then makes me feel like skipping caregroup in the evening.
-guilty for bannishing my daughter to her room to have a quiet time while i decide if i can handle taking 3 kids to caregroup without my husband
-annoyed that we ever bought a house that would require such extensive renovations just to be a safe living environment
-guilty for begrudging our decision to buy this house
-thankful that my husband is so handy, energetic, willing to renovate to make this a safe/healthy place to live (ie. mold free)
-tired, very very tired
-extremely sore in the shoulders and upper back because i keep having to cancel my physio appointments
-annoyed that my basic needs cannot be taken care of
-self-doubting about so much because i'm tired
-disappointed with myself for not being stricter with weight watchers this week
-annoyed that i cant go for a run because my husbands reno is priority and we decided to have lots of kids so its not possible
-annoyed that all the AA batteries are in the kids toys and none left for my wii fit balance board
-sorry for letting my baby cry while i type out these feelings but i dont know how to get her to calm down right now because she's teething and her schedule has changed once again
-sick of answering questions or having to meet demands by 3 or 4 people
-ready for bed
-a little better at the end of this list
-worried about my dad and his liver issues. it reminds me that i'm 30, he's 62, we're all getting older
-stressed by finances but proud of our efforts to eat at home more
-too tired to change out of my workout clothes although i might feel better if i do before we go out

things are looking up

after being sick since last friday, and very very sick at times with a very nasty cold, weight loss was on my mind but behind juice, tea, comfort food, and rest. after taking care of myself as much as possible while having 3 small children, i gained 0.6 lb at tonight's weigh in. no biggie. i'm motivated to get back at my wii fit and count my points this week coming.

the last time i worked out on my wii fit, i actually broke a sweat and it felt awesome! i havent "worked out" for a long time. i realize now that i have an issue called Diastasis Recti (separation of the abdominal muscles) as a result of my pregnancies. i found some great exercises that i have yet to begin because of being sick.

i'm still "planning" on having one more baby, but i really want to make sure my body can handle it because this past time, it was not so....ouchie. things were baaaad. anyway, after having a wonderful, beautiful, healthy third child, i am still planning to go ahead with another, i'm just thinking through the timing/spacing from this baby as well as my health. i'm glad to know that my ab separation has lessened since i've started my wii fit workouts (mostly from the yoga poses, i'd venture to guess). i have a check up with my dr. in two weeks so i'm looking forward to seeing how low my weight will be as well as the ab separation because the article claims that these exercises should bring improvement rather quickly. i have been feeling sore at my belly button, like its slightly herniated, so i hope that settles soon too.

i had a pretty melancholy day the other day, and i know that its all about what i focus on. there are great women that i am friends with out there, but there have just been a few things that have happened that have made me feel attacked, ignored, not cared about...i choose to let those things go in lieu of better days, better friends, better interactions.

now, i'm going to go have a little more chocolate before i get back on the program full force tomorrow!

why me?

okay, feeling melancholic.

so, i've had a really good week as far as counting points and fitting in a bit of fitness most days. today was a bit of a write-off for points because i had this moms group where there's just a bunch of food. i tried to make wise choices, but i did throw in a bit of almond rocha...

anyway, my "why me?" is about me being such a sensitive person. i HAAAAAATE it. i dont want to be insecure or petty or whatever, but i CANNOT help it. i have thoughts and trains of thought that when i say it out loud to someone who is NOT sensitive (ie. bounce an idea off a friend) they say things like "i dont think anyone would think like that." but obviously i do, so some people must too...so that being written, i am extra conscious of others because i wouldnt want them to be offended, like i might be, but most likely, they would not be.

is there anyway to UNLEARN this annoying personality trait? i so, do not want to pass it onto my kids!

i've lived in this new town for 3 years and had one round of disappointment when after 2 years i found out that only one of the several friends i had made actually liked me, while the others just talked about me behind my back, were nice to my face, and then excluded me from gatherings.

i'm very cautious when making friends now. i'm scared i'll do something to turn them off. so i really take it slow, which works for me since my life is full of children. but gosh, i wish i could just get all this stuff off my back so i can just be free to be me. i think i'm awesome (other than that annoying sensitveness), but i dont know how to let go of those hurts and finding out that i was oblivious to people not liking me.

i often think of a quote my mom wrote in this book she made for me where she commented that her mother always wanted everyone to like her. i'm sure i'm the same way. my mom says that this sensitivity is not from her, that she's not like that, so then i'm at a loss. not that knowing where it came from would help, i really just want to know how to not be that way.

any advice?

new year, same goal

after pretty much taking december off of my weight watchers plan, i'm back at 'er.

in december, a new plan was introduced, so we had weigh-in only one day, then Christmas & new years with no weigh-in. so there were no meetings for 3 weeks and i really needed a meeting. i was feeling VERY unmotivated and disappointed with my progress so far, not to mention my lack of discipline and no time for exercising.

so over the holidays, i ate like crazy, soooo much chocolate and baking and such, but i also started doing wii fit on a regular basis. nearly every day i do 20 to 30 minutes. one week i lost 1 lb a day for 3 or 4 days to get me back down to 179, but then it stopped.

so my plan is to keep doing wii fit everyday. i do 3-5 yoga poses (2 minutes each in the bank) then either boxing fit, or step, or the run. which rounds it up to 20 minutes easy. i also decided to weigh myself on the wii fit using the "0 lbs for clothing weight" so that i can judge my fluctuation better.

i'm still not sleeping thru the night and i dont always get a nap, so not resting enough definitely makes me want to eat chocolate or sweets.

i really hope i can have a good loss this week because i'm really getting sick of not being able to wear my clothes!!! i've only got one pair of before&after maternity jeans, otherwise its fairly slim pickins and i'm not the type to wear yoga pants out and about on a regular basis.

i'm trying to focus on the fact that i've already lost 20lbs since Audrey was born 3.5 months ago.
also, i've done this weight loss thing 3 times before successfully, so i know i can do it!

a good piece of advice i heard was to focus on the last meal/snack instead of whats next because it might change your choice when you think back.

happy new year

trying to be perfect

can't do it.

i cannot be perfect.

i was all ready to start counting my points and not going over as of yesterday (thursdays are my weigh in day, so i figured friday was a good day to get back at it, start fresh).

i did well all day. then i headed out to my parents with my kids. i stopped to pick up a Tim Horton's coffee for my husband and on a whim decided to buy myself a mocha which is like 4 points...then we got wings, garlic toast and lasagne for dinner on the fly...it was all over then. i saw those chicken wings and i knew i would be having more than 3. and at 3points a wing, yikes.
then came the cookies...

so, i know i need to be confident, dont let myself be defeated and just start again.

my mom made the comment that i'd really slimmed down lately. that my bottom and thighs were looking much slimmer...i was sort of shocked because i just barely sqeeeeezed into a pair of non-maternity pants, but i wore them anyway since my mat pants are too big now.

derek is off working for a half-day today and since its just me and the girls, i might attempt some shopping/errands today. although my house is over flowing with laundry. somehow i got behind in it, so i'd like to get that done too. my mom wants to keep ezekiel for another night, but he's only 2 and i miss him :( i'm sure he misses me too...so i dont want to push him.

but when i think about it, grandma has the morning with him, then he naps for several hours, then pepere gets home from work and would want to see him, then a couple hours and its bedtime. so keeping him for another day might be okay. i guess we'll see.

i will try try try to record all my points and eat within them today. i need to grocery shop, so that should help, get more veggies in the house!

two issues with this attempt

i have been thinking about how this journey back to my goal weight has two main issues for me.

i definitely want to reach a more comfortable number on the scale. i have been as low as 140 lb in my adult life but i think 150 lbs suits me better. i have always appeared lighter than my "number on the scale." which is nice, but i think it actually has to do with having dense muscle mass. i have always been pretty athletic and could walk for as long as i'd want with little effort or fatigue. running takes more effort for me but i think its because i had poor technique. currently, being close to 180 lbs when my daughter is nearly 2 months old is pretty hard on my eyes and psyche. i know it takes time, but since i only reached around 188 lbs with my first two pregnancies, i was well below this weight by baby's 2nd month.

the other issue for me is the post-partum body. i want my body to look more "normal." i had such a crazy huge belly that stuck out FAR. it obviously did some damage to my muscles and skin. i know its common to have a softer belly after having a baby, but my belly seems soft and droopy. i feel a little scared with how its going to turn out especially since i am decidedly against getting a tummy tuck (because, thanks to those wonderful reality tv shows, i've seen what the procedure and subsequent scarring looks like and i do not want that either!). i try to remind myself that it takes time and to not be too hard on myself, mostly because there is NOTHING quick i can do about it.

i know that slowly dropping the lbs will result in a slightly different physique, i'm both curious and a little scared to see what it looks like ;P

i remember back to my first attempt at weight loss and it was a huge change for my body image, my way of looking at food, and my confidence as well as the number on the scale. it was so important to me to have healthy self-image and to hopefully never let my daughter hear me say "ugh, i look so fat!" i just happened to have a daughter first and i felt like i was good to go, good attitude, good perspective, a healthy body...well, things have changed. i dont feel so on top of things right now, but i believe that i can return to a healthier way of thinking and living.

4th time losing weight

i recently re-joined the local weight watchers group. back in 2003 i joined for the first time, i did really well, consistently lost weight until i reached and exceeded my goal. i was 168lbs and got all the way down to 140lbs (with my "official" goal on the program being 145 so i'd have 7lbs of lee-way--you can be 2 lbs above or your official goal weight and still maintain your "at goal" status which means you dont have to pay).

just after reaching goal in 2004, and becoming a lifetime member of weight watchers, i became pregnant for the first time. i maintained my weight until i was 3 months pregnant and then it obviously went up from there.

Pregnancy 1:
start weight: 143 lbs at 9.5 weeks (recorded at dr.'s office); actual was 140 lbs
end weight: 188 lbs at 40 weeks
total gain: 48 lbs
baby girl
loss after 3 weeks: 20 lbs; weighing 168 lbs

Pregnancy 2:
start weight: 161 lbs at 8.5 weeks (recorded at dr.'s office); actual was 158 lbs
end weight: 189.5 lbs at 41 weeks
total gain: 31.5 lbs
baby boy
loss after 3 weeks: 31.5 lbs; weighing 158 lbs

Pregnancy 3:
start weight: 157lb at 8 weeks (recorded at dr.'s office); actual was 156 lbs
end weight: 201lb at 41 weeks
total gain: 45 lbs
baby girl
loss after 3 weeks: 20 lbs; weighing 181 lbs

so i did manage to get down to about the same weight before the second two pregnancies began and weight watcher principles really helped.

so now is my 4th time partaking on the weight loss journey to try to get back to the healthy lifestyle i want to live.

i started at 180 lbs weigh in on October 30 2008.
i skipped 2 weeks and weigh ins were as follows:
November 13: 179 lbs down 1.6 lbs
November 20: 177.8 lbs down 1.2 lbs

i have not been exercising at all since starting. i really want to play my wii fit, but adjusting to audrey's schedule or lack of or whatever, hasnt really allowed it and i've been TIIIIRED in the evening. i ate alot of halloween candy and chocolate the first 2 weeks on the program but this week has gone much better.

i have been using twitter alot and am part of a group called "wwtweets" so i decided i start documenting my weight loss and i'm sure i'll reach my goal soon-ish :D as a lifetime member, i have 3 months free from October 30 to get back to my goal weight of 155 lbs. i'm not totally sure i can reach it by then, but if not, i can always raise my goal so that i dont have to pay.

anyway, better go. we are throwing our son his second birthday party today! fun!

what to do...how much to do...?

i'm just thinking about the fall and what kinds of responsibilities i want to have when i'm about to add a little one to our family. i have been in a role of responsibility for a mom's group over the last year and its time to make commitments again. then i'm thinking of my needs as a mom and as a woman, and the longer i'm in my town (nearly 3 years) the more i learn about whats out there to do for me or my kids.

sunday morning: church, but no participation on worship team or nursery until at least january.
tuesday morning: i will be busy with a Christian preschool that diedre and ezekiel like to attend which at most requires bringing a snack on rotation.
wednesday morning (1st & 3rd of the month): the mom's group where i led a discussion group and had to call my ladies the week before. this also requires attending meetings throughout the year. there is a preschool type class that my kids will be in together. the baby will probably be with me.
wednesday morning (every 2nd wed, may or may not coincide with the mom's group): a ladies/mom's bible study, with childcare provided. it sounds like a really encouraging group and a nice break from kids.
friday early afternoon: maybe dance lessons for diedre

so basically, when i moved to this town i really wanted to find a ladies bible study like the one i now know about but it took 2 years before i heard about it and i didnt get the chance to go last year b/c of the other mom's group. so now, i'm at the point of needing to commit again to the one group or maybe not. i could always just be a casual attendee, rather than involved in the leadership of it.

any thoughts? i just dont want to get overbooked and have to back out of things. i'd rather just take the low-key road and do what i can from there.

i'm not looking for advice, maybe a little love...

in the last few weeks i have had a pretty tumultuous time with "friends" or people who have told me i'm insecure, lack confidence, unsure of myself, i dont carry myself in a way that would attract people to me, and today, that my mind is separate from my body and i need to get grounded (i have NO idea what she meant....its some new agey philosophy as far as i can tell...no idea....except that maybe it was another: you're unsure of yourself statement--it also had something to do with "giving away my power"??).

i am overly honest, and am someone people feel comfortable telling these fairly unhelpful statements to--because they're not telling me how i can be more confident...

i feel pretty beaten down. i feel like i did in grade two when i was not content with the friends i had and wanted "popular friends" just to have them reject me...and then the major relationship difficulties i had in my preteen and teen years where i was controlling and manipulative and basically not able to appreciate the friendships i had...then in college where these girls would go out for coffee and never invite me, and me being odd, asked why they didnt invite me and they said "you are really hard to be friends with." but i had NO idea why...they didnt elaborate and we had a strange, strained friendship after that...and then when i lived in whistler, i never felt like i had friends who really cared about me but i just thought it was because i was busy being a newlywed and had a hard first year...and now, i've been in this town for two and a half years and was feeling like i lacked any significant connections...and this i found out recently, was because i rubbed people the wrong way...i was judgemental, and too forward with my opinions, and hurt peoples feelings and again i had NO idea i was doing this. now that i've been told, i see it for sure, i know what i can do to change and i am totally willing to do that. not so people will "like" me but because i see that it was wrong and i want to be a supportive person, not a judgmental person.

writing this here, knowing people might read it, is hard. i guess i'm hoping it will give insight into who i am. it will act as an apology to those i know i've hurt in the time of our friendship. it will explain why i'm so odd...mostly, i truly am embarassed for what i've done, what i've allowed myself to become, for being such a crappy example of someone who follows Christ, for the things i didnt realize and wish i had...its like when i was learning that i could be honest without violating myself all the time, it was such an embarrassment to realize that i didnt know there was another way.

is there something wrong with my brain? why do i have to learn things in such a hard way? why do people tell me such hurtful things? why do i put myself out there where i can be hurt.

if i wasnt interested in socializing or making friends, i could avoid these hurts and have a much cleaner house.

the other thing that really confuses me is why the people who know me well love me so much...but then i cant seem to make new friends. it makes me think that i was more likeable ten years ago so those are the friends i have now, but something changed so now i'm not likeable...?

another explanation is that i have tried to make friends with people who do not share similar values so i am always the oddball. plus, i was too open about my values and that i thought they were the right way to be...so that turned people off.

anyway, enough mental gymnastics...i'm turning 30 soon, so apparently it is not uncommon to have major emotional/social/intellectual/spiritual breakthroughs or shake-ups. now, i get to practice "letting go" and not letting this eat me up anymore...

milk

my brother and i have often been teased by west coasters for how we say "milk"

recently, i was watching sesame street and i thought "aha! that's why we say it like "melk" because of sesame street, filmed in New York."

so click here and press "m" and you will see what i mean.

finally, validated (and yes, my mom says "melk" too)

i cant wait anymore...

and neither should you...

we are happily expecting a new baby at the salmon household.

due date is september 20 2008 but i'm aiming for october 1st. ezekiel was 10 days late (diedre was only 2 days late) so i dont want to rush this next little one...although i really wish i was further along than 9 and a half weeks so that the morning/all day sickness was passed.

yes, we planned it. our first two are 21 months apart and this one should come around 22 months after ezekiel. its great spacing for us. i'm already started to show and i have been having fairly consistent all day sickness, so i might as well tell now!

so far, i think its a girl because the nausea is very similar to what i had with diedre (i was very sick with ezekiel).

i am really turned off by chicken right now and hoping that ends soon as i had stocked up some "great" chicken meals in the freezer, which i could not eat b/c of the nausea.

for a few weeks it seemed as though i could eat one thing (ie. Tim Horton's new deli trio) and it was perfect but the very next day it totally turned my stomach, ugh. this happened with many many foods making my eating options from weeks 6 to 9 very limited...i think i'm coming out of that a little, although writing all this about food is not helping...

its been pretty challenging trying to eat (or feed kids and husband) when i feel so crummy all the time. especially dinner time. sometimes when i step out of the kitchen into the dining area, i feel so much better, less nausea and everything.

ezekiel has blessed me with two nights of sleeping all the way through the night (not in a row, but two out of three). last night was not one of them...it was TERRIBLE...ugh. hope the family starts sleeping better soon...of course poor derek was having some tummy troubles last night too so i had to handle both night hawks myself.

we are all quite excited (except ezekiel, he doesnt know whats going on yet). the day we found out was a sunday morning and we told diedre and she said "i have to tell all my friends that mommy has a baby in the belly." it was very cute.

she is starting to pray for the "little tiny baby" and to say she loves him/her already. i'm hoping she will be a good helper when the time comes.

diedre turns three next week. and ezekiel will be 15 months old next week too. time sure flies when you're having kids.

just wanted to share our blessing with you all :)

on another family note, our dog Sparky ran away on saturday. we looked around for him by van for 20 minutes and couldnt find him. he has gone missing at least 5 times before and either we get a call the next day from the animal control or our neighbour has found him, but not this time. he's been gone four days and i'm thinking he got stolen. he is a very handsome and friendly dog. not cool, not cool.

also, when some people find him they dont want to give him back. they ask "are you sure you can handle him? we are willing to walk him for you or play with him. please call if you change your mind." or this older couple kept saying "okay sparky, go back upstairs." when i came to get him. they wanted him too. so if one of those two families have him, at least they will be very happy. practically speaking, i dont mind not having dog hair everywhere or poop all over the yard...call me crazy, but every little inconvenience really adds up when you're busy with kids.

oh to live in the forest...

i have a very vivid memory of a boy i had a crush on in early grade school. he left my house in a huff and said "i'm never coming back to your house because you dont have running water!"

it was pretty embarassing. i dont think i knew that that was especially abnormal at the time.

it became a claim to fame for our family. like the year andrew went back to school and was asked, in the usual school assignment fashion, "what was the most exciting thing to happen during your summer holidays?" and he said, "getting indoor plumbing." he got in alot of trouble for that. the teacher thinking he was being cheeky.

not so.

so andrew used to carry up buckets of well water to our house for drinking and cooking and bathing (although we used to go to Nana's for proper baths sometimes). and we spent alot of our childhood stacking wood and shoveling snow and singing freestyle songs about how much we hated it. but really, we must have loved it. we also had a pond that froze over and i would shovel a t-shaped path to practice my figure skating on. or we would shovel the whole thing and have people over for skating. we had 260 acres we could explore. i'm sure we didnt use anywhere near any of that. but we got to see partridges and porcupines and see deer tracks or wild rabbits.

its exactly what i want for my kids. i want to live in the forest. have a garden. lots of trees around us. somewhere for us to all run around, explore and enjoy the beauty of nature as God intended it.

am i really to blame for all of this...?

ok. i'm having mother-guilt overload.

i feel guilty because ezekiel is/was crying and not taking a nap (he used to nap exactly at 10am and 3pm, i guess its switched to 12noon as he just stopped crying exactly then. even though he's been up since 6am, i thought he'd definitely go to sleep by 10am. i guess he's getting older).

i feel guilty because since ezekiel's first birthday party (november 25) diedre has completely regressed to potty accidents/diapers etc. she was having about 95 per cent success and wore underpants all the time. after the party, it was accident, accident, accident. so i blamed myself, thinking the party/gifts was too overwhelming for her little 2 and a half year old emotions to handle, and thus, the regression.

and now, i feel guilty because today, she is wearing underpants and having success. she has had 4 or 5 successes so far and its only noon. the reason i feel guilty is because i think maybe her having the extra attention from having grammy and grandpa here is enabling her to be success; which means that i was neglecting her and not giving her the security to have success...how convoluted is that!? but that's my mind and my guilt...although writing this is helping.

i'm actually reading a book...

i've never been much of a reader...i was a sponge for knowledge during my pregnancies and read more than ever during them.

right now, i'm reading a book that some of my "green" Christian friends decided to hand over to me even though they had yet to read it. i said i would do a book report. The book is called Serve God, Save The Planet.

at this stage of the game, i hope this book will change my life as much as it is making me feel like changing my life right now.

step one for me: minimize. give away everything i do not need. try to give away things i want but don't need.

this is a hard one for me to do. i am a hoarder. i like having good things. i like keeping things that may be useful at some point.

i am a pack rat.

side note: my mom moved here from Ontario last june. she brought out boxes of my "stuff" that i had been living without for nine years. most importantly, she brought out my napkin collection. yes, napkin collection. it had fancy napkins, airline napkins (back when they were almost cloth like), Christmas themes, holiday themes, ones from my pen pal in Greece, obviously napkins that were very important to me as a kid. so, i looked through them all, then threw them out. we laughed at how ridiculous it was to move a box of old, unused napkins over 4000 miles (driving).

we have two kids now, a Doberman, and two cats. we have too much stuff for the 1000 square feet that we live in. we have no garage or outdoor storage, so that means items like rakes, lawnmower, table saw, etc. get to experience the variety of weather systems that we have on the west coast. this also means that in a location where you would traditionally find shoes, there sits a chainsaw or two, pet food, a random assortment of tools and large baby items that are not being used.

so i ask myself, is lack of storage the issue, or just too much random junk?

at the minimum, i think i could try to get rid of a good amount of items. i know on the show clean sweep they have "keep", "sell", "throw out" piles and they usually split the "keep" pile in half again, i think. that might be a good start.

wish me strength to do a task that is so against my pack rat nature.

UPDATE:



ok, not to pick on derek, but he is also a pack rat...see the above picture. this vest was last worn on Monday, April 24, 2000. our wedding date. it still has the gerbera daisy pinned to it. we have moved three times since our wedding seven and a half years ago...

i'm not giving this away...not yet!

old age

for some reason, i've been thinking alot about old age, not mine necessarily, maybe that of my parents or their age demographic...

perhaps it began with my recent experience of being a "sandwich generation" person: caring for my mother and my young children. mom was really sick for six months or so and i was one of the closest to her. i really tried to be there to visit, encourage and care for her as much as possible. i really learned alot during that time. i learned how to keep things to myself, to let things go, to be ready for anything and to rely on God to give me the strength to care for those around me when i really wanted to be cared for.

then last week i spoke with an elderly friend who has a mother who is 101 and living in a nearby "home." she said that her mother lived on her own until 99 and then moved into a "home." she said the lack of stimulation (not running her own household) really did affect her and her health declined quickly. she is still doing pretty good for 101, but how much better might she be if her family had been able to care for her at home and keep her close by?

then we watched "Away from Her" the other night. a wonderful Canadian movie about alzeheimers. it was so touching to see two elderly people still interested in one another, still affectionate and even physically intimate (although we didnt "see" that part thankfully--i dont like watching sex scenes of any type in movies, personally!). it was sooo heartbreaking to see the wife transfer her affections to another man in the "home" because her husband was not allowed to see her for 30 days! 30 days earlier, they were so in love with one another, they totally completed each other, they were ONE for sure, and then a stupid policy meant that they could not be together for 30 days and she forgot him. she never really remembered him again. it was sooo sad. he gave her space, and was persistent and tried to wait for her to come around. he loved her so much. it broke my heart.

it made me wish and hope that i could (if it ever comes down to that in my own family), just use the money that it would cost for a home, to make a suite in our home and pay for a homecare nurse to come to our place. i hope i remember that later on in life when it seems like it would be more convenient to let someone go into a home. but seriously, if it shortens their life and totally changes who they are, yikes.

i feel weird thinking about these things when i'm not even 30 yet! but i guess thats just the way i am.

i lost

ok. i'm disappointed and trying not to get too despairing about things that dont really even matter.

i was in a sit up challenge. i lost momentum at one point because of some comments that devalued my contribution and then i never really got it back. i was able to pull ahead, but in the end, i lost the drive that i had and thus, lost. my goal was to finish the 10,000 by the time i leave for vacation, which i will still do, although i feel like being a big baby and throwing in the towel and saying "whats the point now?"

i really wish i didnt listen to what people say...or didnt interpret what people say and the way they say it. i wish my confidence never wavered. i wish i never self-doubted. i wish i could stand firm in my own thoughts and intentions and not let things get me down. its so weird to have these melancholy moments when i think i am generally exceptionally happy. maybe its just my emotions needing to take a break or something...

ok: things to celebrate: baby ezekiel is sleeping right now. so i should be too. my husband is awesome and continues to impress me each week. my daughter is so fun, smart, learning, growing, and just like me (so many people tell me that: "your daughter looks EXACTLY like you." just like people always told me i looked exactly like my mom). and, i'm going rockclimbing with my derek for the first time in a looooong time and i'm so excited. and we got a free portrait studio package tonight because they lost our first round of pictures from last week. and only four more work days until derek and i will have many many days together!

wow, that really helped.

ciao

thoroughly annoyed with...

me.

so i'm usually my biggest fan, but lately i'm feeling a little fed up.

see, i really want to lose eight to ten more pounds. i have a "free" weight watchers membership but i was busy on several thursdays in a row and was not able to attend the meetings. for me, i definitely need accountability to stick with things or competition...and i am receiving neither (derek refuses to try to lose weight with me ha ha).

i know that the program can work for me. it has in the past. this round, i was able to lose 20lbs but at this point some of that has crept back on. i'm still in a safe zone, but i can see how it is slowly creeping back to where i dont want it to be.

i feel like if i was to be paying for this program, maybe i would take it more seriously, but then on the other hand, if there is a box of cookies in the house, i can easily eat 4 a day which is close to 20 points (i get 32 points a day, so that doesnt leave me with too many to eat actual good food with) with guilt after each cookie.

its difficult for me, knowing that it worked before, and recently, to keep willing myself to make it work now. i just really want the cookies, or chips or whatever. i can make some good choices in a day, and then i bail on that plan. argh. i'm not used to having such little self control.

my excuses are:
i'm tired/haven't slept through the night in 10 months at least, if not 3 years.
i've got two kids to watch.
i'm busy. i havent made time to exercise lately because i'm working on other things, like napping routines (and stroller rides to the park usually equal napping in the stroller for ezekiel). its been raining alot.
i'm in a sit up comptetition so that's some exercise even though its not helping with weight loss or my clothes fitting better because i eat more cookies.
i'm a horrible person who cant stick to anything even when i know it could totally work.
counting points gets tiresome; doing the Core plan means you have to count points for things that arent on the plan, like breads, cookies, etc.
i just dont want to.
even though i'm mostly happy, i get lonely, bored and a little depressed and when i'm annoyed that the kids dont go to bed, i eat. then when they actually go to bed, i eat more.
i look fine. i'm a fine weight. i'm definitely not obese, i just kinda want my clothes to fit better.

some possible solutions would be:
if i took all the money i spend on snacks and cookies and used it to pay the $4 for childcare at the gym, i could get a good workout.
forget about it. just eat and eat and eat until i gain back the 40lbs i lost and then i'll really want to do something about it.
go to the meetings regularly, no matter what; make a date for myself every week and just do it. it is a support group for weight loss after all.
setting a goal (oh wait, i tried that, 2 lbs a week for 4 weeks, that was 2 weeks ago and i've lost less than a pound so far).

that's it.

Lisa Hill and the Bridge to Terabithia

we just finished watching the movie for the Bridge to Terabithia. i read the book when i was quite young because i knew that my brother really liked it and it wasn't about science (most of what he read when i was in elementary school were things that i was definitely not interested in).

i remember it being such a shocking story. that left me feeling like the story was totally not resolved. i thought derek would really like it (which i think he did, but he said "too sad, too sad."). i also think its more difficult to watch things like that when you have a daughter.

i checked wikipedia bto find out if the movie had strayed significantly from the story. although, it did seem to keep to the main story, i read some interesting factoids like:

Controversy

Because of the novel's content it has been the frequent target of censors and appears on the American Library Association list of the 100 Most Frequently Challenged Books of 1990-2000 at number nine.^[4]

The censorship attempts stem from death being a part of the plot,^[5][6] Jess' frequent use of the word "lord" outside of prayer,^[7] and concerns that the book promotes secular humanism and New Age religions, occultism, Satanism,^[8][7] and for accusations of sexual content.

i also remembered that i interpreted the relationship between the kids to be totally "just friends" and nothing more, but the wikipedia plot summary said they both had crushes on each other.

it was especially interesting to find out the story behind the story...

dora rules my life

well, sometimes it feels like that.

i'm groggy, i prepare breakfast, get my coffee ready and alas, it is time for dora (7.40am).

then we get going with our day, maybe visit a playgroup, go to the park, go grocery shopping, home for a nap.

then what? snack time (usually apple and cheese) and dora again...(4pm).

then its a short wait until daddy's home. so until then, we work on our dora puzzles.

online shopping find...

Amazing Amanda
Amazing Amanda expresses real emotion, engages in two-way communication and interacts with all her play pieces. She takes nurturing play to a new level, she knows when it’s time to eat, sleep and play.