The Scale

I have struggled with wanting to lose weight for years. I've started and stopped many different approaches to improving my health. I was working hard at working out and was proud to say I worked out 5 days a week for 30 minutes. Then I got a bunch of tests done to try to figure out why I was so tired, and why I cannot seem to actually lose any weight--my cardio was good, but my weight remained high, too high for my comfort. The doctor informed me that all my results came back normal (thyroid function, cortisol, diabetes, etc) EXCEPT that I had elevated levels of bad cholesterol--meaning I don't exercise enough. WHAT?!! I was doing my 30 minutes a day! Thats the recommended amount! Obviously, I was only maintaining, but still, I was trying! And, knife in the wound, if you lose weight, your cholesterol levels should improve. Thanks :S

I started to cry. I really wanted a "reason" for why my weight wasn't just falling off. I didn't have one. So, to me, that meant, I'm clinically depressed. Thats why I'm so tired. Thats why I can't stick to a plan. So I asked for antidepressants. I rushed home and filled my prescription and started that day. I felt terrible. I felt nauseous and foggy headed. I didn't feel well to be driving. I couldn't sleep. I had long long periods of awakeness and then feeling terrible again the next morning because I couldn't sleep. I had to limit what I would do with my kids because I would lose my temper from being so fatigued.  I only took the pills for 4 days. Thats all.

I talked with some loved ones and asked if it made more sense to wait since the kids had just gone back to full time school (after summer break) and my youngest was even going to be in Preschool two afternoons a week--giving me a break. I decided that I had jumped the gun and that having all the kids in school would likely help me to experience some actual rest and refreshment and maybe even get to a place of energy again. I also realized that the thing that was depressing me the most was my scale.

When I look in the mirror, I think I look pretty cute. I have a cute body. Its got some curves and of course, some flaws, but its not crazy-out-of-control. I like it. Then I would step on the scale, see the numbers close or at 200 and then say "You're so fat! How could you let yourself get here?! Whats your problem? Why can't you lose weight?" And I would immediately feel terrible about my cute body. Its obviously not cute if it weighs 200 pounds.

So, after some good soul searching, I decided that I have disordered thinking when it comes to food and weight loss. I get anxiety or panicky when thinking about eating--afraid to eat--feeling like this whole weight loss thing is a trick. I've been on programs where you eat what seems like way too much, but you lose, so trying to just eat what feels right, seems like it could never work. Then people will say, don't do too much cardio, lift heavy weights, but then my heart and stroke foundation info, says to make sure cardio is a regular part of my week so I don't die young. So much to balance, but yet conflicting. I finally had to just give it all up. I also got to add anxiety over my elevated cholesterol--thinking no more fried foods or butter (I've been anti-margarine for a few years now) and was literally walking around thinking "I'm going to die. This is going to kill me any day now." I'm only 37.

So, I shared this with a group of ladies at a Bible Study and said I was going to not look at my scale for one month, maybe two and just see how things go. One of the women asked me to give her my scale. I thought that was unnecessary but then decided to just do it, because she is trying to be there for me, so why not let her (since I am trying to establish relationships in a new church).

So I did. I gave over my scale. Thursday October 22 (although I stopped using it earlier that week). I released myself from the judgment and pressure of stepping on the scale. Its a bit of a miracle for me. I was OBSESSING about my weight, about my eating, about my exercise--I am not obsessing anymore. I am exercising. I am resting when my body is sore. I am eating healthy foods and treats. I'm going for walks when I feel like it, or the weather is nice. I'm going rock climbing again. I am not punishing myself with food choices or exercising to exhaustion. I am FREE.

I love my body. I think its cute. I still hope to get smaller, and fit into my clothes better, and be lighter for climbing, but for now, its so entirely attractive to be FREE. Whatever peace I can have in my mind, and lower levels of anxiety--I am all for that!

trying too hard

I love many things about my life. I am uncomfortable with my feelings about several others things in my life. I think I am lazy. I feel like my life is too hard sometimes. Its too hard to keep the house clean to the standard that would give me peace. I desire a simplistic life but it will take so much work to get there. I am buried under the weight of responsibility. I pretty much hate certain parts of my "job"...because I feel like a perpetual failure. I think I am responsible for teaching my kids to clean up after themselves and treat one another kindly--that job description brings a huge amount of stress into my life. Is there an alternative? I don't see one. 

I have been struggling with postpartum depression and possible regular ol' situational depression for at least 7 years. Thats a long time to feel like i'm in a perpetual state of trying to feel normal and sometimes achieving it, often not...it gets pretty old, pretty quickly and thats part of the problem. I am always trying so hard to just feel okay. I need renewal, I need long periods of rest and I do not get that. And for those who struggle with depression, even the breaks you get sometimes don't help and just make you feel more guilty that they didn't work!

7 years. Maybe this is the year to have a clean slate? 7 years is often the cycle in the Bible where debts are forgiven, fields are left to furlough, things get a rest. I had an amazing time this morning of feeling really run down and then realizing God was encouraging me to let go. That He is meant to be my strength, that my Hope is in Him only, that my focus is not meant to be on me and my life but on Him. These things are not easy to do. I could feel myself letting go, little by little, trying to give it away completely. I thought of "I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my pain, I'm laying them down for the Joy of the Lord" and thought how I really do hold on to my sorrows, I hold on to my pain. I want to lay them down. Why would I want to hold on to those things?? 

I also had the thought that its time for a new beginning--we are at a new church and I'm ready to let go of the pain from leaving our beloved church family for a new place. Establishing new relationships or growing some friendships and learning a new system of how things are done there. This lovely couple prayed for me and it was something I've been wanting for years--I was crying and trembling a bit, the tears were dripping down my face and off my cheeks or chin, then I really felt this calm, some hope, maybe some deliverance, and then I felt okay. I didn't feel all worn out the way I normally would when I cry or have some unresolved emotions. It felt resolved. 

Now, 7 hours later, I am home alone with kids. I was doing well for the first 3 hours, working on the house, cleaning, good energy level and then now, getting tired again. Getting sick of all the kid arguments, whining, the usual annoying stuff that happens when we are alone together. 

I can tell I am getting very frustrated now, probably partially from trying to focus on writing this and partly because I have been on my own doing something "good" that also requires a lot of energy and parenting. So now I'm going to do something that is good for my mental wellness and attempt to go for our first family bike ride in our neighbourhood. My youngest (age 4) just learned to ride without training wheels while we were away last week so that has allowed for the possibility of biking in our hilly town.

wasting my life

So, I've recently discovered or decided that I am wasting my life. I spend so much time watching shows (mostly on Netflix) and they are interesting. Some are challenging. Some are just fluff, to pass the time. I am alone in the evening often (with kids in bed) and so the only thing I feel like doing after having an exhausting time putting them to bed, multiple times, is to relax and watch a few shows.

I keep getting slivers of inspiration--to write (like this) or to sew (which could be a source of income or just repairing a few items that have been sitting around for months waiting for me to sew them) or to play music (guitar--I learned the basics years and years ago and then never had that obsession that causes some people to play for hours and hours into and through the night to the point where they become an expert). Watching a show is so much easier. I am wasting away, being a bad example for my kids and fuelling my fire of fatigue and laziness and depression. Its a very big fire.

The Trouble with Facebook

Facebook is addictive. It makes me feel like there is information I need to know and if I don't check on it now, it will overwhelm my newsfeed and I'll be scrolling for hours just to catch up.

I must admit, this is not the life I had envisioned for myself. I don't know if I would have even imagined myself as one to want to read for pleasure. Or to scour the local newspaper from very front to almost very back (including obituaries...I figure I know so many people, there might be someone related to someone that I'd know...mostly not, so far).

I have discovered that I am a news junkie. Local news, odd news, world news, web news, tech news, friend news, etc. It is just too much information for my brain. I don't know why I'm so hungry for information and news, but I am. I do believe, it is a grand waste of time. What can I possibly do with all this news? I will likely forget much of it, I will share tidbits in conversation, I may learn from it.

Now, the trouble I have with Facebook is, the plethora of "9 Ways to Live Your Life to the Fullest" and the "5 Ways to Incorporate These Health Tips into Your Day" and the "8 Things You Must do to Make Family Life Fulfilling" and so on and so on...  Any mathematicians out there? I'm pretty sure I have about 16,000 things a day that I've been suggested or supposed or challenged to do! That seems like way too much for me. I enjoy those articles, I do find them challenging for the moment, but then nap time comes and goes, and do I even recall those tidbits? Those fascinating tips? What's an overloaded brain to do?

I guess that's one reason why The Bible and Bible study in general gets to be rather repetitive after reading/following for nearly 30 years (this year it will be!). Its because humans are forgetful! We need basic principles to live by, and then we need to be reminded of some aspect of them daily, weekly, to actually live them out practically!

Not to mention the absolute mystery of the Living Word of God which teaches us NEW things, from a very well read and previously studied passage. It is truly amazing and captivating. And because it draws me closer to God, and sets my feet back on the narrow path to which I love and am committed, it also feeds me and inspires me to keep going. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, moment by moment.

Story of my life...again

It has been so long since I've been blogging.

I created http://thesalmons.blogspot.ca way back when I was pregnant with my first child. Somewhere along the lines, I began this one for my more personal thoughts.

Today, I'm finding it difficult to see why I have two blogs ha ha. I know I intended one to be more about the family, updates, brag book, type of thing, but now I am wondering if having a family blog, would also encompass my thoughts on building my family up and interesting articles I might come across.

This blog was a place for me to document my weight loss journey (which I am on AGAIN for the last time hopefully, now that babies and surgeries are all done).

I guess I'll just wait and see. I also changed my email address at some point so many of the articles are said to be written by "Derek" when they are really not. I'm not sure how to change that yet, but if I figure it out, I'll fix that.

Repair Work

I am a little nervous today...I only have one more hour of drinking "clear" liquids (although for some strange reason, coffee is OK) before heading to the hospital for my second umbilical hernia repair surgery. I had one back in 2009 after my 3rd pregnancy. Then after doing well and going to the gym regularly, I felt the hernia tear open while i was lying on a body ball on my stomach. I had found out I was pregnant with my 4th baby only five days earlier...so I was quite sure they would not be able to do anything. My 4th pregnancy proved to be my most painful and the herniated area was so painful throughout.

This time, I have a new surgeon, and am going to a hospital I have never been treated in before. My previous surgery was in the same hospital where I had delivered all my kids, so it was a little familiar.

Its funny how not being allowed to eat seems like it will be so difficult (especially since I'm a snacker and a "must have breakfast" and "must have my multivitamin, Omega-3-6-9, B50, and Aerius" every day kind of person).

Feeling nervous kind of kills the hunger.

I also have the task of trusting my husband to do "my job" and I'm hoping he has a good attitude because if he's stressed out by the kids, I know I will feel stressed. I will try my very best to relax, rest and recover...but trust me, for a control freak, that will be a challenge!

January 2013

Christmas went surprisingly well. I managed to have a low-expectations but festive mood going on.

January has been very challenging with finances and its so hard to not spiral into negativity on a daily basis...

This was the verse I've been going back to all day today:

Proverbs 3:7-8 New International Version (NIV)

⁷ Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil.
⁸ This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.

When I focus on the things that scare me, the evil I see in the world, in the media, thinking ahead to what my kids will see--I allow stress and anxiety to overwhelm me. But, if I remember to read my Bible, to take some time looking to Jesus, there is such a different outcome. He has wisdom that does not come naturally to me. His plan for my life says to Seek Righteousness and shun evil. Don't spend my time focusing/getting worked up about "evil" but look at and focus on the good things the Lord is doing, has done, will do. Love what is good. This is what I'm attempting to do. When I see other believers sharing opinions that sound totally contrary to what a Biblical worldview would be, I can only think, I am responsible to seek and stand for the truth--in my life and for my family. God is judge, people can say and do and believe and think whatever they want. That is not my problem. I must Seek Righteousness.

November 2012

November is here! My oldest son is turning SIX at the end of this month. I'm not looking forward to planning his party as I often find this stressful and he keeps changing his mind about what he wants and my husband has a plan for him but I don't want to leave out his classmates.

Things have been going pretty well around here. I'm looking forward as we can head towards Christmas! I'm going to decorate one of these days since I missed out last year and didn't have very much interest in Christmas either (PPD and Bennett was hospitalized on Christmas day with a major asthma attack).

I've started taking B50 complex vitamins, in addition to my regular multi and my Omega 3-6-9s. I'm trying to see if I can feel more "normal" without actual antidepressants. I considered taking St. Johns Wort but they do not recommend that if you are still nursing (which I am, my baby is 15 months now). The B50 has been helping SOOO much. I had NO PMS this month which was awesome. I really need a break from anxiety sometimes and it appears that the B50 might be helping.

I've also been having a hard time with getting the kids to school. I dont know what to do when my son goes to his room with his uniform and then just doesnt get dressed. He's not playing, he's just zoning out and then I come check 10 minutes later and he's in his underwear!! What do I do?? We have not been making it to school on time. I guess we might just need to start getting up earlier or something. Its very difficult to get them out the door.

Having the kids in school has been great. I was making walking dates with different ladies while my 3 kids were in, but now the weather is rainy, so I'm not as motivated to do that.

I also decided to quit Weight Watchers because it was not working for me this time around. I found it to be stressful and I just always felt like a failure. It was not rewarding or motivating for me. I've been rockclimbing at the gym alot so that has been more rewarding. There is a competition coming up where there are 50 problems in the gym and you have a month to chip away at them. I am excited to see how much better I'll be since the last one in February.

Anyway, I'm off to a lunch date with my Step Dad (something we may have never done before) so here I go.

transition time

My husband and his crew are going climbing tomorrow while I have my last day of summer with the kids.

I'm feeling lots of emotions right now.

I am disappointed with myself.

I always thought I would cherish each moment of every day with each child in their own unique way...but instead, I am desperate for quiet times and try to sneak in a nap once a day, and if I don't, I have a major crash and can't even speak straight.

I am VERY excited for Tuesday when my oldest two kids will be heading back to school full time. One in Grade 1, one in Grade 2. And then, super super excited that my nearly 4-year-old will be in Preschool two mornings a week (she has been the "strong-willed child" but has been showing a sweetness at least 80% of the time lately).

I guess I had envisioned myself as the type of mom who would have an open door for children, and love to host people all the time, and always be ready for a visit, and take the time to have the kids come home for lunch during their school day--I am not that mom.

I am the mom who is anticipating the next week with great joy. I keep singing the tune "Its the most wonderful time of the year" off an old back-to-school commercial when I was younger. I used to balk at THOSE types of parents, wishing the summer away, wanting the kids back in school, being irritated with their kids...

I am crying. This is me. I have had a pretty difficult summer with kids fighting, tiredness, intense anxiety (I still consider that I am in "postpartum depression" I'm just managing it) and financial pressures and watching most others go away for trips and outings while we scrimped and saved to get through the summer. Then to do one budgeted holiday, at the VERY end of the summer, to a lovely town for my cousins wedding. I was SO ready for it. and I had as much fun as I could possibly have until I had to give up my climbing day to bring our youngest daughter to the clinic/pharmacy (which really did go as well as possible and we got some answers and antibiotics to help her get better after the last few doctors did not follow through!!!).

Now, I'm feeling pretty jealous that my husband gets to spend his final day of holidays with his "boys" climbing and having a good time while I get the kids ready for school and try to get them back into schedule. I blame this response on my birth order, I'm the baby, I feel like I'm being a baby--its not fair, blah blah blah.

I want it to be a good day. It will be an okay day, likely. Tonight, I feel like being spontaneous (for tomorrow...) by going up to a nice lake/park to hang out...but really, I need to do laundry and get lunches and backpacks ready.

I read a great statement for me, "Today will not be as good as I hope, but it will be better than I thought." I have a problem thinking melancholic at times (which this blog used to be called "Melancholy baby").

Well, that felt good to get out. and to finally write in my blog since March!!

I restarted Weight Watchers in June (online only) and lost another 10 or 15lbs. Then stopped losing. So I plan to start back up at meetings until I get the last pesky 20ish off!

I feel like I am in transition as a Mom and as a woman. I am not having any more babies. My youngest is now 13.5 months old. He will be walking soon. Talking soon. Toilet learning soon. Terrible Twoing soon...but I will have TWO kids in school full time and ONE in preschool twice a week...I am soooo excited. I keep telling people (who say, "Oh, you'll be so lonesome!") that I am hoping I'll be able to catch my breath! After having terrible Postpartum Depression after the last two babies, always feeling like I'm behind the eight ball, never quite good enough, never as good as I'd like to be as a mom/wife...so many negative thoughts and experiences that I've had to fight through and still try to provide a fairly stable, balanced, good home for my kids and husband.

Now what? What do I want in this life ahead? What kind of mom am I? What do I want to do or be? How do I have fulfillment and provide nurturing to four kids? What goals can I set? Can I follow through? How do I move beyond the chaos and let it remain in the past and pursue peace?

This is my transition. Let's see how it goes.

March First

My weight loss journey is not going as awesome as I wish it was. It is very difficult. I still try to focus on it being about being healthy and that the trend is going downward, but losing weight fast is so much more fun and you get a bit of a rush as people notice the changes. No one has noticed anything yet...and its been ten pounds. So, it is forcing me to lose responsibly and not just to be noticed. At home on my scale today, I was the lowest I've been yet. I'm really hoping that if I can keep on track this week that I can get below 180 by Tuesday. Again, it feels so difficult right now. but, good news, I slept through the entire night for the first time in years! I am so thankful for that. It was so weird to be awake at noon and not feel like total garbage.

rallying

The week after the snow day weigh-in I was down another 3.2 lbs for a total loss of 6.4 lbs! not bad for 3 weeks :)


Then, the next week, I was showing NO loss :( I was sooo disappointed, but realized that I HAD to rally and stick with it or I would be wasting this opportunity of losing for free on the plan. So I did. I upped my water intake. Made sure I was eating Greek yogurt every day and drinking milk when I needed a little boost. I also tried to have milk instead of cream in my coffees and even drank black coffee a few times. On Wednesday (I weigh in on Tuesdays) I was SOOOO hungry and I thought, I bet the weight is falling off me today! and i weighed myself at home and I was 5 pounds lighter than I had been at the meeting!! So I kept up my motivation for the rest of the week, including the weekend ;)

And so, my hard work paid off and I had a very successful weigh in today: Current Weight: 183 lbs. Total Loss: -10.4. Goal: 155 lbs. 28 lbs to go! Reached 5% LOST Goal today!

So I have lost 1/4 of what I hope to lose so I have 3/4 to go! It is nice to think that 10 lbs is gone FOREVER!

I have had a hard time this time around feeling excited. I get excited when I actually write it down, but I don't really feel like losing 10 lbs is that great since I was at 188 a few months ago, I went down to 183 lbs but then I went up instead of continuing down. I guess I feel like I haven't even started from where I left off, like really I've only lost 5 lbs. But I guess, even 5 lbs is good, when its REALLY gone ;) not just a fluctuation in the day. I don't want to lose momentum, so I'm doing alot of positive self-talk like: 10 POUNDS are gone! TEN! That's really great! Your clothes will be looser soon (although I'm still wearing yoga pants and maternity panel pants because of my hernias)! You are loving eating so healthfully and can still have tasty snacks or treats here and there but mostly, you just feel healthy!

Anyway, thats how my brain works :) so I'm happy to have reached my first goal of 5% loss, plus a 10 lb loss, and now i'm working on my 10% loss goal of 19 lbs. Maybe by the end of February?

snow days

My second weigh-in was pre-empted by a snow day! I was disappointed as I was really looking forward to seeing how my week went, as per the scale. I started to feel a bit down about it and then thought, "No, I've GOT to rally and keep my efforts up! I've only got 3 months free and THIS IS IT! I'm gonna do it!"

So, I kept on track, for the most part. I think I had a few cookies that weren't quite on plan, but other than that, I have been making good choices and eating within my points.

I was starting to feel that I was overdoing it as far as stepping on my home scale, so I really tried to cut back. Then after missing the meeting this week, I noticed some changes in how I've been looking so I decided I'd let myself weigh-in at home and I was very happy by the results. I went to my Wii to weigh-in there and celebrated with the kids telling them that I've been making healthy choices lately and its working to help me get to where I should be (they always come running when they hear the Wii Fit music start up).

I am really liking this new program, I definitely find myself going to get more fruit or a carrot when I feel a little munchy. There is a meeting tomorrow night that I am going to try to attend (unless it gets snowed out too), so hopefully I'll have my official results from week 2 soon!

The kids went to school today for the first time all week but it was a hassle especially bringing the baby into the -11 weather and wind! Poor boy :( He also has an ear infection so I brought him to the doc for a prescription this morning too. Silly kid was screaming from pain last night, and now he seems to like that sound and is just doing it for attention! gotta go

one last hurrah

I rejoined Weight Watchers to take advantage of being a lifetime Member since 2005 and using 3 months free to drop my baby weight.

After joining last Thursday evening, I was a little disheartened because I could only stay for 15 minutes of the meeting and I was really hoping for a little "rah-rah" to pump me up for the week ahead. I set my mind to it, that I would just do a great job and give it a good go.  Day 1 I over ate by 35 points and then the next day, I over ate by 18 points, then I managed to get things under control for the next few days.

At the meeting this morning (I decided I could only make this work for me if I switched to a morning meeting), I had lost 3.2 lbs! I was honestly expecting it to be twice that as the first week is usually pretty high for me, but it hasn't even been a week so whatever, I'm still very happy with that amount (obviously! down is down.).

Anyway, I hope to be able to have great success this time around. The program has changed again but I believe its a good plan and the things I've noticed are that they are encouraging you to eat a reasonable but unlimited amount of fruit and vegs and putting the focus on making healthy choices rather than just going for the lowest calories. They are moving away from calories and now include carbohydrates and protein, along with fat and fiber in their new calculations (which mean my free "point count" app is no good anymore).

I have had a few challenges already with the new plan because they want you to use their e-tools website, which would include an iPhone app, but since I'm a Lifetime member (which means I don't pay), its a bit tricky. I'm waiting to hear back from them to see if I can get the program free for 3 months (as I'm entitled to).

i had a great labour & delivery!

you can read the details here if you are interested :)


http://thesalmons.blogspot.com/2011/07/bennetts-birth-story.html

pain in the horizon

well, its happened. its about to happen again. I am pregnant. My fourth time being pregnant. and Labour and Delivery are coming up very soon.

With all my struggles with weight, I began this pregnancy after going to the gym or exercising from about March to October. One week after finding out I was pregnant, I re-herniated my bellybutton, while using a body ball, lying on my stomach on it...GRRRR I was very very disappointed. It was quite painful and I stopped exercising then and have pretty much had a very low-exercise pregnancy. I was very sick during the first several months of this pregnancy. Finally, with maybe, ten or 8 weeks left, I started to feel better. To feel good. I have a big baby belly, but I had a positive mind and bursts of energy. I think the clear mind was really what did me good and continues to give me energy to enjoy my family and the last time being pregnant.

As far as the weight gain has gone, its been amazing. I lost 5 lbs having the flu early on in the pregnancy, and have since only gained 19 lbs from my start weight (which was very high for me), with only 4 to 5 weeks left in this pregnancy! I am really thankful about that.

I'm starting to get a little scared about labour now. It could happen "anytime" but the last 2 pregnancies have continued well past the due date, so I have to prepare myself that that will happen again.

My main thought lately is that I HAVE to avoid oxytocin at all costs. My last labour was so painful and rushed and I had serious neck and back pain that needed actual physio and chiropractic work for months after. So again, I am hoping to stay off of the IV, stay off of the bed, keep moving around as much as possible, and let this baby come when ready.

I get my Group B Strep test done on Monday, so that will let me know if I need antibiotics. I also have some fears about going "late" in the pregnancy, because I think every baby I've had has had meconium in the amniotic fluid. This can be caused by a particular stressful day on the baby, or because I deliver so late. But why would my body not evict the baby if it was the right time? Then they have to ingest some of this dirty fluid which leads to some of the respiratory and lung issues all of my kids have had...? it makes me sad that my body doesn't keep things more scheduled or healthy but I have no choice! There could be meconium in there now, with 4 or 5 weeks left! And obviously nothing I can do about that!

I am also very thankful for taking the time to go to the gym before getting pregnant. I think it is for that reason that my belly is not protruding quite as far out from my body as the last 2 pregnancies. It seems to be more contained, and I can actually flex my lower abs to bring my belly up a little. Hopefully that will help this labour to progress better as the baby seems to be in a better position, over my cervix rather than right outside my body like the last 2!

Its pretty crazy/interesting to have had 4 pregnancies and now to be heading to my fourth delivery! I jest and say that I've been through so many different scenarios that this time I wouldn't be surprised if I had a C-section! Of course, I don't actually want one, and that's also part of why I want to be wiser this time:

Don't put so much work into "getting labour going" by walking and exhausting myself.
Rest. Sleep if I can.
Stay away from the hospital until I'm actually in labour. The last 2 times, I had induction appointments set, but by trying to make labour happen, I wore myself out and they admitted me early. I really don't want to do that again.

I keep thinking of my first labour. I was at home. Got sick. Got a bad contraction that made me yelp and cry it was so painful. Then, after a bit of that, went into the hospital. I was only 2 days overdue. The nurse broke my water (without my, or my Doc's permission which is apparently a "no-no") and it did send me into proper labour, where I delivered 8 hours later. I had only the gas and Demerol (which they don't give anymore) which is considered to be a "drug-free" labour because neither of those things actually helped relieve pain for me. And she was posterior, sunny-side up.

So that is giving me some confidence that I can have a "natural" labour, without chemical induction. I just need to stay strong. Stay positive. And get some more rest!! I have 3 little kids! ;D

creativity and reality

i am a very creative person.

i need to keep so many things bottled up because i dont have the time or energy to do some things.

i know that this natural creative gifting or innate creativity is part of being made in God's image. its quite an honour to be given thoughts and passions and knowing that there is a pure form or a pure outlet to share them.

i believe that when my creativity is able to seep out into my life, then a good party is thrown, or a nicely crafted item will be made, or a cake is beautifully decorated, a plate of ordinary dinner is presented in a way to make it look most appealing, or i take the time to make myself look like a work of art.

its been so great to be able to be present with the children and to be silly or read them a fantastically narrated story or experience life. this is the life i wanted to live. i didnt have a plan, it was more a sense.

i absolutely delight in watching my daughter make a big plan, with so many small details, of how she wants to share activities and God with her friends. i wish it wasnt difficult to get a clean house ready to host her ideas...i dont want to let her plans die. they are special to her and they are delightful to watch. she is such a caring, inclusive, detailed girl.

Thank you God for such an amazing experience of raising children to know you. what an honour. what a journey back to innocence.

if all was stripped away

I keep having these strange thoughts:
If everything was stripped away, no more hustle bustle, no more cars driving too fast to pass me just so we can all stop at the next stoplight. All these goals, that we put on ourselves that are just culturally influenced ideals, might be worth reconsidering as they are quite likely not goals of any eternal significance.


If there was no rushing. No stressing over how I look or how I feel or how much my shoulders or foot hurt, what would I be filling my mind with?

I keep seeing things in my life that are so obviously the result from thoughts of low self-worth I've had from the past. Not necessarily the way I think about myself now. Like wanting people to think I'm smart even though I didn't go to college after my first year. I didn't flunk out. i had good grades. I just stopped going and decided I'd go with the "school of life" instead of actual professional training. And it was a great deal because of a boy. And then my mother offered to pay for me to go to university but because of the budding romance with my husband-to-be, I also passed on that one.

Being someone who had good grades, has just made me someone who "gets" things quickly, understands the way to play a new complicated board game (as some friends of mine kept remarking--"you really DO get it. that was fast") or makes me an overachiever as a mother. I am a woman who really wants to do the best all the time (but I give myself alot of slack, as in, I have lots of downtime for the kids so they are interacting with each other or spending time doing their own thing...some days I remember I "should" read to them, so I do, other days I don't). I talk to my kids ALOT. we talk about everything. any little question they have, anything we see in the world that looks interesting or might teach them about our life's purpose and meaning, we talk about. at 3 and 5 years old, we have so many fascinating discussions that remind me how amazingly intelligent and perceptive children are. taking time to slow my life down has absolutely given me a window into the mind of the child. and there are so many truths about God that have come from seeing a pure and innocent observation of the world and of the Creator. i am doing exactly what I should be doing.

i have also developed what i now label as being a "promoter" of things. anything i like, i promote. it was fun for me to promote various community things like moms groups or Bible studies or play centers or toys or the best deal at wherever. i cannot seem to help it, i just have to spread the word if i like something. i don't make any money doing that, i just do it.

if i had no car, and there were no paved roads, and we lived on acreage with neighbours far off, i would probably be the promoter of the local church, and teach kids Sunday school and promote God and the Bible and talk about the greatest jelly recipe ever with other moms.

i guess, in a way, in my attempt to simplify my life, i don't go to all the things i used to go to. I'm slower to jump on a bandwagon. I'm a little more careful to promote or offer help with the church website or programs unless i can still be a good mom by saving my energy for them and not using it all trying to do computer work.

living more simply has been such a great decision for me. even fitting in exercise as a fundamental part of my day, is teaching me that having a fresh mind from exercising, and a strong heart and being able to experience moments with a slightly fitter body (playing soccer, or running along while Ezekiel bikes, running up and down the stairs to get something) is part of who I am and want to be. and that who I am and want to continue to be is important to me and to my children.

I am also trying to experience moments. good or bad. and not run to food for comfort. this is a lesson i am only beginning. and i can see how intertwined my body, eating and emotions are. also, being mindful of the present situation is helpful, it reminds me to rely on God for dealing with my anger and for not yelling. i had 3 weeks where i felt i had conquered yelling, but when I stop praying about it, it comes right back. it is the way our family has learned to communicate and it is not okay. I am working on putting an end to it. "We don't yell in this family." Working on it!

what am i doing?

i cant help but feel like a failure whenever i happen to get a moment to check on my blog...its not that i feel like a failure everyday, but since i was inspired to blog about my weight-loss journey, a journey that feels more like i'm trapped in a car and driving around and around a 3 or 4 lane round-a-bout (is that a scene from National Lampoons Family Vacation??). sigh. i guess thats just "where i am".

but really, i have been working out on the wii fit lately. i was feeling really good about it. but not seeing any "weight loss" but feeling better and feeling sore muscles (its been awhile since i've pushed myself enough to be sore!). so i guess i'm proud of myself for doing that.

then i got the flu. so that put me off exercising for 3 days.

I feel like God is holding the key to my weight loss and I am not asking for it to open the door. Like He knows what I need to be successful, to eat better, to make better decisions, to not eat when i'm lonely or sad or get a moment alone (in a good way).

The first time I did weight watchers it was an exercise in spiritual growth too. It was so important to me to have positive body image so that I could go into motherhood as a confident woman who had conquered that lifelong issue of being continually unhappy with my body.

But then, the body I have come to loathe has taken over. It has forced me into yoga pants, not for exercise, but out of desperation. literally not fitting into any of my mid-range pants. i've had to take the hem down on 3 pairs of pants since my butt and thighs have expanded to the point where then are hiked up where i dont like onto of my dirty running shoes. i am unhappy. very unhappy with what i am presenting. i used to make a concerted effort to be stylish, put together, good shoes, always jeans or nicely fitting pants...far, far cry from where i'm at now.

I am really trying to rise above the obvious, or the melancholic perspective I have of myself and let God change my mind. Let me love me. My friend pointed out that God really does love and care about me, regardless of what I look like. And although that might sound trite, I know she said it in good faith and with the best intentions and so I took it as if I can be acceptable before God, then I could come at things from the angle of getting "healthy" rather than getting "thin." Getting healthy, out of a love for what God has made me, or who He has made me.

I know there are obvious habits that I have developed in my eating (as mentioned above) and I even entertain that maybe I have an eating disorder, of compulsive overeating . I've mentioned that to people before and they just say "doesnt everyone do that??" but maybe not. I really do not want to belong to another "group" or label. I hope there is a way to get over this without going to Overeaters Anonymous...

I know after dealing with serious depression for a good chunk of time, then having "highly functioning depression" which has just kind of hung around for the last several or more months, it can be pretty exhausting to be always working on self-improvement. Thats where I believe God is there...waiting for me to run to Him for help. Like I did several years ago. I guess I can use prayer for this. (and kind words of course).

thanks.

argh...where is thursday?

i know where thursday is. its in 4 more days, but it seems so far away. i really want to go back to weight watchers. after having a really tough year, then minor surgery, then Christmas where i was good at eating small portions of regular food, but then ate TONS of chocolate and sweets and chips...and then I tipped the scales at 180 lbs last night...and the day before that, i was 174 lbs and the day before that i was 172 lbs (which is a full 10lbs from where i was when i quite going to weight watchers last). i do not want to be anywhere near 180lbs...its like i'm pregnant, i look pregnant in the belly, but seriously! not good.

so i am counting points today, so far. (i just took a break to grab a bag of carrots).

i have gotten so far away from the healthy eating i was doing before--barely eating any vegetables, except with dinner. thankfully, i have some tried and true methods to get me back at it: drinking lots of water, eating vegetables and fruits for snacks, a grapefruit and cereal for breakfast always keeps me going, as does an apple and cheese.

i dont have much faith that i can stick to my 25 points for today, especially cuz that's without nursing points (since i have been only nursing a little lately, then today, i've already nursed 4 times before 1pm). but i'll give it a go, and at least count points.

okay, time for some more water!

my latest attempts

I decided to copy and paste the list of weigh-ins here because it was getting ridiculously long, and had 2 attempts, the last one ending with victory (7lbs to goal) but none-the-less, i quit. life got too overwhelming, and weightloss had to go :(
I'm starting again this week, so i will enter those on the side for now.

Attempt 2: June 2009 to August 2009

• aug 27 09: 10% Goal Reached (17 lbs) & 3rd 5 lb STAR: 162 lbs; down 3 lbs. total loss: -17.2 lbs (7 lbs to go! or 5 lbs to be within goal range)
• aug 20 09: 165.0 lbs; down 0.6 lbs. total loss: -14.2 lbs (10.0 lbs to go! or 8 lbs to be within goal range)
• aug 13 09: 165.6 lbs; down 2.6 lbs. total loss: -13.6 lbs (10.6 lbs to go! or 8.4 lbs to be within goal range)
• aug 6 09: 168.2 lbs; down 0.4 lbs. total loss: -11.0 lbs (13.2 lbs to go! or 11.2 lbs to be within goal range)
• july 30 09: 168.6 lbs; down 2 lbs. total loss: -10.6 lbs (13.6 lbs to go! or 11.6 lbs to be within goal range)
• july 23 09: 170.6 lbs; up 0.2 lbs. total loss: -8.6 lbs (15.6 lbs to go!)
• july 16 09: 170.4 lbs; down 2.4 lbs. total loss: -8.8 lbs (15.4 lbs to go!)
• july 9 09: 172.8 lbs; down 0.4 lbs. total loss: -6.4 lbs (17.8 lbs to go!)
• july 2 09: 173.2 lbs; down 6.2 lbs. total loss: -6 lbs (18.2 lbs to go!)
• june 25 09: 179.4 lbs; up 2 lbs. total loss: 0 lbs (24.4 lbs to go!)
• june 18 09: 177.4 lbs; down 1.8 lbs. total loss: -3.2 (22.4 lbs to go!)
• june 11 09: 179.2 lbs; up 3 lbs. total loss: 0 lbs (24.2 lbs to go!)
• june 11 2009: had to restart the program with starting weight: 179.2 lbs; goal: 155 lbs (24.2 lbs to lose)
  
  
  
  
  Attempt 1: October 2008 to January 2009
• jan 29 09: 176.2 lbs; up 0.6 lb. total loss: -4.4 lbs (21.2 lbs to go!)
• jan 22 09: 175.6 lbs; down 3.6 lbs. total loss: -5 lbs (got my 5lb Star! 20 lbs to go!)
• jan 15 09: 179.2 lbs; up 1.8 lbs. total loss: -1.4 lbs (24.2 lbs to go!)
• dec 11 08: 177.4 lbs; down 0.6 lb. total loss: -3.2 lbs (22.4 lbs to go!)
• dec 4 08: 178 lbs; up 1 lb. total loss: -2.6 lbs (23 lbs to go!)
• nov 27 08: 177 lbs; down 0.8 lb. total loss: -3.6 lbs (22 lbs to go!)
• nov 20 08: 177.8 lbs; down 1.2 lbs. total loss: -2.8 lbs (22.8 lbs to go!)
• nov 13 08: 179 lbs; down 1.6 lbs. total loss: -1.6 lbs (24 lbs to go!)
• oct 30 08 start: 180.6 lbs; goal: 155 lbs (25.6 lbs to lose)