its weird how when i get tired i get melancholy...i need to start writing lyrics for my solo career. i go through months where all i want to do is write a good song and re-learn guitar and go perform...however, i guess i can be pretty lazy at times and i dont get around to it.
anyway, i guess my main melancholy thoughts are about life being so "nebulous" ha ha. i can't nail things down, figure them out, understand them. I feel that i have unleashed potential that is put on hold forever. i am such an open person and i talk alot about the various things that get me down but i dont actually ever do anything about it. i'm sorry that i get so unhappy with the present, the current way things are. i know that my life is awesome, privileged, a great gift but theres that weird lack of fulfillment. i think when i get bored, it taints my perception. i have so many aspirations: guitar, singing, writing, art, sewing, designing clothes and other items, rockclimbing, education, family, developing in my faith...thats alot...too much...it overwhelms me and gets me down.
anyway i guess all i can do is go to sleep and enjoy tomorrow. i wonder why sadness hits at night or early am? i guess b/c emotions are raw and unchecked. you cant pretend or fake...not something i generally do anyway, but it takes alot more energy to have a balanced look at things.
i just have to keep reminding myself of the fundamentals...that there is a greater purpose and plan. i should feel like there's something on the horizon. i should be available for great and mundane things. i should be ready for God to direct my life in a way i hadnt anticipated or planned. thanks to God for my life for my today for my now and future.
11 months ago