i spent hours today updating photos on facebook. blogging has been such a low priority lately, or maybe just a no-time thing. we were all sick. caring for 3 sick kids while i'm sick is pretty time consuming. needless to say, i have definitely not been following weight watchers. i estimate its been about a month, maybe more. my weight is fluctuating close to 180 lbs. i am not happy about this. when i see myself in pictures (and especially in the birthday video for my daughter's 4th last month) i want to never see a picture of myself again. i remember always thinking people who didnt want a picture taken were being lame, now i am that person. i cannot stand it. however, i dont have the health/energy to really do anything about it presently--although eating less would probably help.
today derek invited me over for a chocolate after dinner,
i said "but what if i dont want one?"
he said "you want one."
and i said "i dont like to eat junk food before 8pm. ha ha"
but that being written, i havent had anything but water since then.
my mom says, i'll get there because i always get there and i want to get there.
i've been thinking how at 30/mid 30s women often look larger than they want to...i always noticed that, but now that i'm there, i think i get it: babies, breastfeeding, busy with kids, my parents (anyone, especially husband) dont tell me not to eat dessert all the time anymore, i cant just go out for a walk anytime, i cant even go to the gym right now because childcare is available until a baby is 6 months old, marriage is compromise and renos are priority so we can move back upstairs, tv is much more relaxing and is often the only option when baby falls asleep, wakes up within ten minutes, falls asleep again, wakes up again, and so on.
its like the first time you live on your own and you realize you can have cookies for breakfast, for snack, for lunch, for dinner because you are allowed to do whatever you want to now. pretty unhealthy, but thats freedom to indulge, no sharing with siblings. i was just reading in a parenting book a little snippet where a parent says "those cookies are for everyone in the house." to remind a child to share, to only eat a few at a time, to not be a hoarder. i definitely didnt learn that lesson. i was a hoarder and i am most likely to eat the rest of the cake if theres a cake. these are definitely bad habits for someone who wants to lose some weight...well alot of weight...25lbs at least!
so maybe therein lies a few goals: dont hoard but rather share. dont eat the rest of the cake, its better in the garbage than in my belly.
wasting food would probably feel better than how i feel about my body.
on a more positive note, i am feeling very good about my parenting. i have been implementing a few tactics that i read about and am pleased that they are working with both older kids. it goes a little something like this "when i say something, i expect you to listen." even tho my son is just over two, he seems to be responding to it. of course it only works when i stop him and look him in the face. another thing that i'm thankful for with him is when he gets in trouble, we ask him why he's in trouble and he'll tell us. and i'm able to deal with anger in a healthy way. much less yelling thankfully.
i was considering giving up my family blog after doing a super photo album update today. i have very few blog followers which makes me kind of sad. i had sooo many during my first pregnancy and after baby was born. but i think thats just because i was working and had alot of connections that way. as for now, most connections are on facebook, and thats it. i guess i'll have to talk it over withh my MIL since its pretty much just for her.
1 year ago