Sunday, September 30, 2007

old age

for some reason, i've been thinking alot about old age, not mine necessarily, maybe that of my parents or their age demographic...

perhaps it began with my recent experience of being a "sandwich generation" person: caring for my mother and my young children. mom was really sick for six months or so and i was one of the closest to her. i really tried to be there to visit, encourage and care for her as much as possible. i really learned alot during that time. i learned how to keep things to myself, to let things go, to be ready for anything and to rely on God to give me the strength to care for those around me when i really wanted to be cared for.

then last week i spoke with an elderly friend who has a mother who is 101 and living in a nearby "home." she said that her mother lived on her own until 99 and then moved into a "home." she said the lack of stimulation (not running her own household) really did affect her and her health declined quickly. she is still doing pretty good for 101, but how much better might she be if her family had been able to care for her at home and keep her close by?

then we watched "Away from Her" the other night. a wonderful Canadian movie about alzeheimers. it was so touching to see two elderly people still interested in one another, still affectionate and even physically intimate (although we didnt "see" that part thankfully--i dont like watching sex scenes of any type in movies, personally!). it was sooo heartbreaking to see the wife transfer her affections to another man in the "home" because her husband was not allowed to see her for 30 days! 30 days earlier, they were so in love with one another, they totally completed each other, they were ONE for sure, and then a stupid policy meant that they could not be together for 30 days and she forgot him. she never really remembered him again. it was sooo sad. he gave her space, and was persistent and tried to wait for her to come around. he loved her so much. it broke my heart.

it made me wish and hope that i could (if it ever comes down to that in my own family), just use the money that it would cost for a home, to make a suite in our home and pay for a homecare nurse to come to our place. i hope i remember that later on in life when it seems like it would be more convenient to let someone go into a home. but seriously, if it shortens their life and totally changes who they are, yikes.

i feel weird thinking about these things when i'm not even 30 yet! but i guess thats just the way i am.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

i lost

ok. i'm disappointed and trying not to get too despairing about things that dont really even matter.

i was in a sit up challenge. i lost momentum at one point because of some comments that devalued my contribution and then i never really got it back. i was able to pull ahead, but in the end, i lost the drive that i had and thus, lost. my goal was to finish the 10,000 by the time i leave for vacation, which i will still do, although i feel like being a big baby and throwing in the towel and saying "whats the point now?"

i really wish i didnt listen to what people say...or didnt interpret what people say and the way they say it. i wish my confidence never wavered. i wish i never self-doubted. i wish i could stand firm in my own thoughts and intentions and not let things get me down. its so weird to have these melancholy moments when i think i am generally exceptionally happy. maybe its just my emotions needing to take a break or something...

ok: things to celebrate: baby ezekiel is sleeping right now. so i should be too. my husband is awesome and continues to impress me each week. my daughter is so fun, smart, learning, growing, and just like me (so many people tell me that: "your daughter looks EXACTLY like you." just like people always told me i looked exactly like my mom). and, i'm going rockclimbing with my derek for the first time in a looooong time and i'm so excited. and we got a free portrait studio package tonight because they lost our first round of pictures from last week. and only four more work days until derek and i will have many many days together!

wow, that really helped.