Sunday, August 01, 2010

creativity and reality

i am a very creative person.

i need to keep so many things bottled up because i dont have the time or energy to do some things.

i know that this natural creative gifting or innate creativity is part of being made in God's image. its quite an honour to be given thoughts and passions and knowing that there is a pure form or a pure outlet to share them.

i believe that when my creativity is able to seep out into my life, then a good party is thrown, or a nicely crafted item will be made, or a cake is beautifully decorated, a plate of ordinary dinner is presented in a way to make it look most appealing, or i take the time to make myself look like a work of art.

its been so great to be able to be present with the children and to be silly or read them a fantastically narrated story or experience life. this is the life i wanted to live. i didnt have a plan, it was more a sense.

i absolutely delight in watching my daughter make a big plan, with so many small details, of how she wants to share activities and God with her friends. i wish it wasnt difficult to get a clean house ready to host her ideas...i dont want to let her plans die. they are special to her and they are delightful to watch. she is such a caring, inclusive, detailed girl.

Thank you God for such an amazing experience of raising children to know you. what an honour. what a journey back to innocence.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

if all was stripped away

I keep having these strange thoughts:
If everything was stripped away, no more hustle bustle, no more cars driving too fast to pass me just so we can all stop at the next stoplight. All these goals, that we put on ourselves that are just culturally influenced ideals, might be worth reconsidering as they are quite likely not goals of any eternal significance.

If there was no rushing. No stressing over how I look or how I feel or how much my shoulders or foot hurt, what would I be filling my mind with?

I keep seeing things in my life that are so obviously the result from thoughts of low self-worth I've had from the past. Not necessarily the way I think about myself now. Like wanting people to think I'm smart even though I didn't go to college after my first year. I didn't flunk out. i had good grades. I just stopped going and decided I'd go with the "school of life" instead of actual professional training. And it was a great deal because of a boy. And then my mother offered to pay for me to go to university but because of the budding romance with my husband-to-be, I also passed on that one.

Being someone who had good grades, has just made me someone who "gets" things quickly, understands the way to play a new complicated board game (as some friends of mine kept remarking--"you really DO get it. that was fast") or makes me an overachiever as a mother. I am a woman who really wants to do the best all the time (but I give myself alot of slack, as in, I have lots of downtime for the kids so they are interacting with each other or spending time doing their own thing...some days I remember I "should" read to them, so I do, other days I don't). I talk to my kids ALOT. we talk about everything. any little question they have, anything we see in the world that looks interesting or might teach them about our life's purpose and meaning, we talk about. at 3 and 5 years old, we have so many fascinating discussions that remind me how amazingly intelligent and perceptive children are. taking time to slow my life down has absolutely given me a window into the mind of the child. and there are so many truths about God that have come from seeing a pure and innocent observation of the world and of the Creator. i am doing exactly what I should be doing.

i have also developed what i now label as being a "promoter" of things. anything i like, i promote. it was fun for me to promote various community things like moms groups or Bible studies or play centers or toys or the best deal at wherever. i cannot seem to help it, i just have to spread the word if i like something. i don't make any money doing that, i just do it.

if i had no car, and there were no paved roads, and we lived on acreage with neighbours far off, i would probably be the promoter of the local church, and teach kids Sunday school and promote God and the Bible and talk about the greatest jelly recipe ever with other moms.

i guess, in a way, in my attempt to simplify my life, i don't go to all the things i used to go to. I'm slower to jump on a bandwagon. I'm a little more careful to promote or offer help with the church website or programs unless i can still be a good mom by saving my energy for them and not using it all trying to do computer work.

living more simply has been such a great decision for me. even fitting in exercise as a fundamental part of my day, is teaching me that having a fresh mind from exercising, and a strong heart and being able to experience moments with a slightly fitter body (playing soccer, or running along while Ezekiel bikes, running up and down the stairs to get something) is part of who I am and want to be. and that who I am and want to continue to be is important to me and to my children.

I am also trying to experience moments. good or bad. and not run to food for comfort. this is a lesson i am only beginning. and i can see how intertwined my body, eating and emotions are. also, being mindful of the present situation is helpful, it reminds me to rely on God for dealing with my anger and for not yelling. i had 3 weeks where i felt i had conquered yelling, but when I stop praying about it, it comes right back. it is the way our family has learned to communicate and it is not okay. I am working on putting an end to it. "We don't yell in this family." Working on it!

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

what am i doing?

i cant help but feel like a failure whenever i happen to get a moment to check on my blog...its not that i feel like a failure everyday, but since i was inspired to blog about my weight-loss journey, a journey that feels more like i'm trapped in a car and driving around and around a 3 or 4 lane round-a-bout (is that a scene from National Lampoons Family Vacation??). sigh. i guess thats just "where i am".

but really, i have been working out on the wii fit lately. i was feeling really good about it. but not seeing any "weight loss" but feeling better and feeling sore muscles (its been awhile since i've pushed myself enough to be sore!). so i guess i'm proud of myself for doing that.

then i got the flu. so that put me off exercising for 3 days.

I feel like God is holding the key to my weight loss and I am not asking for it to open the door. Like He knows what I need to be successful, to eat better, to make better decisions, to not eat when i'm lonely or sad or get a moment alone (in a good way).

The first time I did weight watchers it was an exercise in spiritual growth too. It was so important to me to have positive body image so that I could go into motherhood as a confident woman who had conquered that lifelong issue of being continually unhappy with my body.

But then, the body I have come to loathe has taken over. It has forced me into yoga pants, not for exercise, but out of desperation. literally not fitting into any of my mid-range pants. i've had to take the hem down on 3 pairs of pants since my butt and thighs have expanded to the point where then are hiked up where i dont like onto of my dirty running shoes. i am unhappy. very unhappy with what i am presenting. i used to make a concerted effort to be stylish, put together, good shoes, always jeans or nicely fitting pants...far, far cry from where i'm at now.

I am really trying to rise above the obvious, or the melancholic perspective I have of myself and let God change my mind. Let me love me. My friend pointed out that God really does love and care about me, regardless of what I look like. And although that might sound trite, I know she said it in good faith and with the best intentions and so I took it as if I can be acceptable before God, then I could come at things from the angle of getting "healthy" rather than getting "thin." Getting healthy, out of a love for what God has made me, or who He has made me.

I know there are obvious habits that I have developed in my eating (as mentioned above) and I even entertain that maybe I have an eating disorder, of compulsive overeating . I've mentioned that to people before and they just say "doesnt everyone do that??" but maybe not. I really do not want to belong to another "group" or label. I hope there is a way to get over this without going to Overeaters Anonymous...

I know after dealing with serious depression for a good chunk of time, then having "highly functioning depression" which has just kind of hung around for the last several or more months, it can be pretty exhausting to be always working on self-improvement. Thats where I believe God is there...waiting for me to run to Him for help. Like I did several years ago. I guess I can use prayer for this. (and kind words of course).


Monday, January 04, 2010

argh...where is thursday?

i know where thursday is. its in 4 more days, but it seems so far away. i really want to go back to weight watchers. after having a really tough year, then minor surgery, then Christmas where i was good at eating small portions of regular food, but then ate TONS of chocolate and sweets and chips...and then I tipped the scales at 180 lbs last night...and the day before that, i was 174 lbs and the day before that i was 172 lbs (which is a full 10lbs from where i was when i quite going to weight watchers last). i do not want to be anywhere near 180lbs...its like i'm pregnant, i look pregnant in the belly, but seriously! not good.

so i am counting points today, so far. (i just took a break to grab a bag of carrots).

i have gotten so far away from the healthy eating i was doing before--barely eating any vegetables, except with dinner. thankfully, i have some tried and true methods to get me back at it: drinking lots of water, eating vegetables and fruits for snacks, a grapefruit and cereal for breakfast always keeps me going, as does an apple and cheese.

i dont have much faith that i can stick to my 25 points for today, especially cuz that's without nursing points (since i have been only nursing a little lately, then today, i've already nursed 4 times before 1pm). but i'll give it a go, and at least count points.

okay, time for some more water!

my latest attempts

I decided to copy and paste the list of weigh-ins here because it was getting ridiculously long, and had 2 attempts, the last one ending with victory (7lbs to goal) but none-the-less, i quit. life got too overwhelming, and weightloss had to go :(
I'm starting again this week, so i will enter those on the side for now.

Attempt 2: June 2009 to August 2009
  • aug 27 09: 10% Goal Reached (17 lbs) & 3rd 5 lb STAR: 162 lbs; down 3 lbs. total loss: -17.2 lbs (7 lbs to go! or 5 lbs to be within goal range)
  • aug 20 09: 165.0 lbs; down 0.6 lbs. total loss: -14.2 lbs (10.0 lbs to go! or 8 lbs to be within goal range)
  • aug 13 09: 165.6 lbs; down 2.6 lbs. total loss: -13.6 lbs (10.6 lbs to go! or 8.4 lbs to be within goal range)
  • aug 6 09: 168.2 lbs; down 0.4 lbs. total loss: -11.0 lbs (13.2 lbs to go! or 11.2 lbs to be within goal range)
  • july 30 09: 168.6 lbs; down 2 lbs. total loss: -10.6 lbs (13.6 lbs to go! or 11.6 lbs to be within goal range)
  • july 23 09: 170.6 lbs; up 0.2 lbs. total loss: -8.6 lbs (15.6 lbs to go!)
  • july 16 09: 170.4 lbs; down 2.4 lbs. total loss: -8.8 lbs (15.4 lbs to go!)
  • july 9 09: 172.8 lbs; down 0.4 lbs. total loss: -6.4 lbs (17.8 lbs to go!)
  • july 2 09: 173.2 lbs; down 6.2 lbs. total loss: -6 lbs (18.2 lbs to go!)
  • june 25 09: 179.4 lbs; up 2 lbs. total loss: 0 lbs (24.4 lbs to go!)
  • june 18 09: 177.4 lbs; down 1.8 lbs. total loss: -3.2 (22.4 lbs to go!)
  • june 11 09: 179.2 lbs; up 3 lbs. total loss: 0 lbs (24.2 lbs to go!)
  • june 11 2009: had to restart the program with starting weight: 179.2 lbs; goal: 155 lbs (24.2 lbs to lose)

    Attempt 1: October 2008 to January 2009
  • jan 29 09: 176.2 lbs; up 0.6 lb. total loss: -4.4 lbs (21.2 lbs to go!)
  • jan 22 09: 175.6 lbs; down 3.6 lbs. total loss: -5 lbs (got my 5lb Star! 20 lbs to go!)
  • jan 15 09: 179.2 lbs; up 1.8 lbs. total loss: -1.4 lbs (24.2 lbs to go!)
  • dec 11 08: 177.4 lbs; down 0.6 lb. total loss: -3.2 lbs (22.4 lbs to go!)
  • dec 4 08: 178 lbs; up 1 lb. total loss: -2.6 lbs (23 lbs to go!)
  • nov 27 08: 177 lbs; down 0.8 lb. total loss: -3.6 lbs (22 lbs to go!)
  • nov 20 08: 177.8 lbs; down 1.2 lbs. total loss: -2.8 lbs (22.8 lbs to go!)
  • nov 13 08: 179 lbs; down 1.6 lbs. total loss: -1.6 lbs (24 lbs to go!)
  • oct 30 08 start: 180.6 lbs; goal: 155 lbs (25.6 lbs to lose)