Tuesday, April 06, 2010

what am i doing?

i cant help but feel like a failure whenever i happen to get a moment to check on my blog...its not that i feel like a failure everyday, but since i was inspired to blog about my weight-loss journey, a journey that feels more like i'm trapped in a car and driving around and around a 3 or 4 lane round-a-bout (is that a scene from National Lampoons Family Vacation??). sigh. i guess thats just "where i am".

but really, i have been working out on the wii fit lately. i was feeling really good about it. but not seeing any "weight loss" but feeling better and feeling sore muscles (its been awhile since i've pushed myself enough to be sore!). so i guess i'm proud of myself for doing that.

then i got the flu. so that put me off exercising for 3 days.

I feel like God is holding the key to my weight loss and I am not asking for it to open the door. Like He knows what I need to be successful, to eat better, to make better decisions, to not eat when i'm lonely or sad or get a moment alone (in a good way).

The first time I did weight watchers it was an exercise in spiritual growth too. It was so important to me to have positive body image so that I could go into motherhood as a confident woman who had conquered that lifelong issue of being continually unhappy with my body.

But then, the body I have come to loathe has taken over. It has forced me into yoga pants, not for exercise, but out of desperation. literally not fitting into any of my mid-range pants. i've had to take the hem down on 3 pairs of pants since my butt and thighs have expanded to the point where then are hiked up where i dont like onto of my dirty running shoes. i am unhappy. very unhappy with what i am presenting. i used to make a concerted effort to be stylish, put together, good shoes, always jeans or nicely fitting pants...far, far cry from where i'm at now.

I am really trying to rise above the obvious, or the melancholic perspective I have of myself and let God change my mind. Let me love me. My friend pointed out that God really does love and care about me, regardless of what I look like. And although that might sound trite, I know she said it in good faith and with the best intentions and so I took it as if I can be acceptable before God, then I could come at things from the angle of getting "healthy" rather than getting "thin." Getting healthy, out of a love for what God has made me, or who He has made me.

I know there are obvious habits that I have developed in my eating (as mentioned above) and I even entertain that maybe I have an eating disorder, of compulsive overeating . I've mentioned that to people before and they just say "doesnt everyone do that??" but maybe not. I really do not want to belong to another "group" or label. I hope there is a way to get over this without going to Overeaters Anonymous...

I know after dealing with serious depression for a good chunk of time, then having "highly functioning depression" which has just kind of hung around for the last several or more months, it can be pretty exhausting to be always working on self-improvement. Thats where I believe God is there...waiting for me to run to Him for help. Like I did several years ago. I guess I can use prayer for this. (and kind words of course).



Jessi said...

I could have written this post, Amanda. It sounds exactly like the inner war that I have going on as well. I know that I am an emotional eater and turn to food when I am down, or angry, or lonely.
I have always admired your honesty. The way you can put yourself out there without trying to be someone different or put on a happy face. This post secures that view of you even more.

I always told myself I would never be one of 'those moms' that wear sweats and don't take care of themselves physically. Since I've had Cameron (a much more difficult baby than Tim) I have found myself wearing those sweats, hair thrown back, a shower is fit into my day when I get a chance -- sometimes not until the evening. It doesn't help with self image - especially with the extra weight from the pregnancy.
I don't have any magical cure - or even helpful words - but I will tell you I'm right there with you. In a few years, we'll have the time to spend on ourselves again. Right now we just have to try and keep our heads up.

Thank you so much for your openness. And I still think you are beautiful xox

amanda salmon said...

thanks Jessi.
You are too! for sure :)
i am now at the point where i think i have all the right reasons and excuses and am ready to tackle things. i hope i can!