Saturday, December 22, 2007

am i really to blame for all of this...?

ok. i'm having mother-guilt overload.

i feel guilty because ezekiel is/was crying and not taking a nap (he used to nap exactly at 10am and 3pm, i guess its switched to 12noon as he just stopped crying exactly then. even though he's been up since 6am, i thought he'd definitely go to sleep by 10am. i guess he's getting older).

i feel guilty because since ezekiel's first birthday party (november 25) diedre has completely regressed to potty accidents/diapers etc. she was having about 95 per cent success and wore underpants all the time. after the party, it was accident, accident, accident. so i blamed myself, thinking the party/gifts was too overwhelming for her little 2 and a half year old emotions to handle, and thus, the regression.

and now, i feel guilty because today, she is wearing underpants and having success. she has had 4 or 5 successes so far and its only noon. the reason i feel guilty is because i think maybe her having the extra attention from having grammy and grandpa here is enabling her to be success; which means that i was neglecting her and not giving her the security to have convoluted is that!? but that's my mind and my guilt...although writing this is helping.

Friday, November 16, 2007

i'm actually reading a book...

i've never been much of a reader...i was a sponge for knowledge during my pregnancies and read more than ever during them.

right now, i'm reading a book that some of my "green" Christian friends decided to hand over to me even though they had yet to read it. i said i would do a book report. The book is called Serve God, Save The Planet.

at this stage of the game, i hope this book will change my life as much as it is making me feel like changing my life right now.

step one for me: minimize. give away everything i do not need. try to give away things i want but don't need.

this is a hard one for me to do. i am a hoarder. i like having good things. i like keeping things that may be useful at some point.

i am a pack rat.

side note: my mom moved here from Ontario last june. she brought out boxes of my "stuff" that i had been living without for nine years. most importantly, she brought out my napkin collection. yes, napkin collection. it had fancy napkins, airline napkins (back when they were almost cloth like), Christmas themes, holiday themes, ones from my pen pal in Greece, obviously napkins that were very important to me as a kid. so, i looked through them all, then threw them out. we laughed at how ridiculous it was to move a box of old, unused napkins over 4000 miles (driving).

we have two kids now, a Doberman, and two cats. we have too much stuff for the 1000 square feet that we live in. we have no garage or outdoor storage, so that means items like rakes, lawnmower, table saw, etc. get to experience the variety of weather systems that we have on the west coast. this also means that in a location where you would traditionally find shoes, there sits a chainsaw or two, pet food, a random assortment of tools and large baby items that are not being used.

so i ask myself, is lack of storage the issue, or just too much random junk?

at the minimum, i think i could try to get rid of a good amount of items. i know on the show clean sweep they have "keep", "sell", "throw out" piles and they usually split the "keep" pile in half again, i think. that might be a good start.

wish me strength to do a task that is so against my pack rat nature.


ok, not to pick on derek, but he is also a pack rat...see the above picture. this vest was last worn on Monday, April 24, 2000. our wedding date. it still has the gerbera daisy pinned to it. we have moved three times since our wedding seven and a half years ago...

i'm not giving this away...not yet!

Sunday, September 30, 2007

old age

for some reason, i've been thinking alot about old age, not mine necessarily, maybe that of my parents or their age demographic...

perhaps it began with my recent experience of being a "sandwich generation" person: caring for my mother and my young children. mom was really sick for six months or so and i was one of the closest to her. i really tried to be there to visit, encourage and care for her as much as possible. i really learned alot during that time. i learned how to keep things to myself, to let things go, to be ready for anything and to rely on God to give me the strength to care for those around me when i really wanted to be cared for.

then last week i spoke with an elderly friend who has a mother who is 101 and living in a nearby "home." she said that her mother lived on her own until 99 and then moved into a "home." she said the lack of stimulation (not running her own household) really did affect her and her health declined quickly. she is still doing pretty good for 101, but how much better might she be if her family had been able to care for her at home and keep her close by?

then we watched "Away from Her" the other night. a wonderful Canadian movie about alzeheimers. it was so touching to see two elderly people still interested in one another, still affectionate and even physically intimate (although we didnt "see" that part thankfully--i dont like watching sex scenes of any type in movies, personally!). it was sooo heartbreaking to see the wife transfer her affections to another man in the "home" because her husband was not allowed to see her for 30 days! 30 days earlier, they were so in love with one another, they totally completed each other, they were ONE for sure, and then a stupid policy meant that they could not be together for 30 days and she forgot him. she never really remembered him again. it was sooo sad. he gave her space, and was persistent and tried to wait for her to come around. he loved her so much. it broke my heart.

it made me wish and hope that i could (if it ever comes down to that in my own family), just use the money that it would cost for a home, to make a suite in our home and pay for a homecare nurse to come to our place. i hope i remember that later on in life when it seems like it would be more convenient to let someone go into a home. but seriously, if it shortens their life and totally changes who they are, yikes.

i feel weird thinking about these things when i'm not even 30 yet! but i guess thats just the way i am.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

i lost

ok. i'm disappointed and trying not to get too despairing about things that dont really even matter.

i was in a sit up challenge. i lost momentum at one point because of some comments that devalued my contribution and then i never really got it back. i was able to pull ahead, but in the end, i lost the drive that i had and thus, lost. my goal was to finish the 10,000 by the time i leave for vacation, which i will still do, although i feel like being a big baby and throwing in the towel and saying "whats the point now?"

i really wish i didnt listen to what people say...or didnt interpret what people say and the way they say it. i wish my confidence never wavered. i wish i never self-doubted. i wish i could stand firm in my own thoughts and intentions and not let things get me down. its so weird to have these melancholy moments when i think i am generally exceptionally happy. maybe its just my emotions needing to take a break or something...

ok: things to celebrate: baby ezekiel is sleeping right now. so i should be too. my husband is awesome and continues to impress me each week. my daughter is so fun, smart, learning, growing, and just like me (so many people tell me that: "your daughter looks EXACTLY like you." just like people always told me i looked exactly like my mom). and, i'm going rockclimbing with my derek for the first time in a looooong time and i'm so excited. and we got a free portrait studio package tonight because they lost our first round of pictures from last week. and only four more work days until derek and i will have many many days together!

wow, that really helped.


Wednesday, August 22, 2007

thoroughly annoyed with...


so i'm usually my biggest fan, but lately i'm feeling a little fed up.

see, i really want to lose eight to ten more pounds. i have a "free" weight watchers membership but i was busy on several thursdays in a row and was not able to attend the meetings. for me, i definitely need accountability to stick with things or competition...and i am receiving neither (derek refuses to try to lose weight with me ha ha).

i know that the program can work for me. it has in the past. this round, i was able to lose 20lbs but at this point some of that has crept back on. i'm still in a safe zone, but i can see how it is slowly creeping back to where i dont want it to be.

i feel like if i was to be paying for this program, maybe i would take it more seriously, but then on the other hand, if there is a box of cookies in the house, i can easily eat 4 a day which is close to 20 points (i get 32 points a day, so that doesnt leave me with too many to eat actual good food with) with guilt after each cookie.

its difficult for me, knowing that it worked before, and recently, to keep willing myself to make it work now. i just really want the cookies, or chips or whatever. i can make some good choices in a day, and then i bail on that plan. argh. i'm not used to having such little self control.

my excuses are:
i'm tired/haven't slept through the night in 10 months at least, if not 3 years.
i've got two kids to watch.
i'm busy. i havent made time to exercise lately because i'm working on other things, like napping routines (and stroller rides to the park usually equal napping in the stroller for ezekiel). its been raining alot.
i'm in a sit up comptetition so that's some exercise even though its not helping with weight loss or my clothes fitting better because i eat more cookies.
i'm a horrible person who cant stick to anything even when i know it could totally work.
counting points gets tiresome; doing the Core plan means you have to count points for things that arent on the plan, like breads, cookies, etc.
i just dont want to.
even though i'm mostly happy, i get lonely, bored and a little depressed and when i'm annoyed that the kids dont go to bed, i eat. then when they actually go to bed, i eat more.
i look fine. i'm a fine weight. i'm definitely not obese, i just kinda want my clothes to fit better.

some possible solutions would be:
if i took all the money i spend on snacks and cookies and used it to pay the $4 for childcare at the gym, i could get a good workout.
forget about it. just eat and eat and eat until i gain back the 40lbs i lost and then i'll really want to do something about it.
go to the meetings regularly, no matter what; make a date for myself every week and just do it. it is a support group for weight loss after all.
setting a goal (oh wait, i tried that, 2 lbs a week for 4 weeks, that was 2 weeks ago and i've lost less than a pound so far).

that's it.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Lisa Hill and the Bridge to Terabithia

we just finished watching the movie for the Bridge to Terabithia. i read the book when i was quite young because i knew that my brother really liked it and it wasn't about science (most of what he read when i was in elementary school were things that i was definitely not interested in).

i remember it being such a shocking story. that left me feeling like the story was totally not resolved. i thought derek would really like it (which i think he did, but he said "too sad, too sad."). i also think its more difficult to watch things like that when you have a daughter.

i checked wikipedia bto find out if the movie had strayed significantly from the story. although, it did seem to keep to the main story, i read some interesting factoids like:

Because of the novel's content it has been the frequent target of censors and appears on the American Library Association list of the 100 Most Frequently Challenged Books of 1990-2000 at number nine.[4]

The censorship attempts stem from death being a part of the plot,[5][6] Jess' frequent use of the word "lord" outside of prayer,[7] and concerns that the book promotes secular humanism and New Age religions, occultism, Satanism,[8][7] and for accusations of sexual content.
i also remembered that i interpreted the relationship between the kids to be totally "just friends" and nothing more, but the wikipedia plot summary said they both had crushes on each other.

it was especially interesting to find out the story behind the story...

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

dora rules my life

well, sometimes it feels like that.

i'm groggy, i prepare breakfast, get my coffee ready and alas, it is time for dora (7.40am).

then we get going with our day, maybe visit a playgroup, go to the park, go grocery shopping, home for a nap.

then what? snack time (usually apple and cheese) and dora again...(4pm).

then its a short wait until daddy's home. so until then, we work on our dora puzzles.

Monday, June 04, 2007

online shopping find...

Amazing Amanda
Amazing Amanda expresses real emotion, engages in two-way communication and interacts with all her play pieces. She takes nurturing play to a new level, she knows when it’s time to eat, sleep and play.

Friday, May 18, 2007

its time for the facebook post

i know, just about everyone who has joined facebook has had to write about their emotional journey into the personal observations are:

1. i had WAY too many crushes...many, not all, of the guys that i have reconnected with were former crushes. crushes from gradeschool, crushes from camp, crushes that lasted one day, crushes that lasted years--pining from afar (well, those ones i usually dont actually connect with--just in case they knew i had a crush on them and then think i am searching them out to see "what if?" and am not the happily married woman that i can assure you that i am).

2. i am still scared to contact some people who were super mean back then. they might be nice now, maybe they would like to know what i am up to these days but i would prefer to wait until they ask me to be "friends" just to avoid "the burn."

3. i have learned that if i truly believe that people can change, like how i know i have changed, i need to give them the benefit of the doubt that they have too.

4. my brother and i have alot of friends in common, which he said annoys him, but i think its a testimony that we were good friends. his friends are usually curious to know what his "little sister" is up to and my friends are all lucky enough to be his friend anyway.

5. where have all the Christians gone? well, from my youth group days, there are not many left, let me tell you. i know i had my 8 months or so away from the faith, but i really thought more people would make it through the 20s with the same faith that we used to share. i am very glad that i still believe and want to live for what i have believed for so long. heartbreak really shook me up and caused me to doubt and take a step away. but i came back, after taking a break, and found that there was no other way for me. it was an interesting journey for me, as i was always a big doubter, but when i returned to my faith, the doubting ended. but there is still hope, some new Christians have surfaced, and some of the old ones seem to be in that time of doubt or disallusionment right now, so it may not be totally over yet. i have always been a very forward person, so out of curiousity, i have asked some if they are "still Christian" but some have ignored the question, while others have been very honest and open about what they are thinking about that right now.
SIDE NOTE: i am also surprised at the number of pastor friends derek and i have; and we have also both noticed many who are ex-pastors already (early 30s); and the number of people who are obviously not cool with the term Christian, so they come up with some other snappy way of saying the same modernism perhaps?

6. my husband and i are so different. its really cute to see him enjoying facebook too. for YEARS he has been trying to find one or two people in particular. so i am so pleased that he has finally reconnected with them (google searches never came through for him all these years). he is also very silly with some of his friends. he is getting "pokes" from one person all the time. its very silly.

7. my latest M.O. for facebook is to write a note when i am interested in becoming "friends" so that its not just a random request but somewhat personalized. i have talked with one of my local friends here who finds it offensive when a friend who she hasnt talked to in years just invites her and doesnt write anything. i dont totally see it that way, because when i first got started i added people thru email addresses, so it was a group invite the first time, out of my inexperience.

8. as long as my blog is not getting totally neglected, i think its okay for me.

9. i have some great girl friends that i have missed over the years who i can have short chats with that seem somewhat easier to do than thru email. so thats been great! and they have written such nice comments on my wall, so flattering :D hee hee

10. the limited profile: so far i think i only have one "friend" that put me on a very limited profile. yah, it feels weird, since they can see mine--and i used to be able to see their full profile. they probably dont look at my page anymore. its situations like that that make me think maybe we are not really "friends".

11. very cool connections have been made with some who i was not necessarily close to back in the day, but now, we have more in common (usually because of kids) and so we can relate much better. and its fun now that my list has expanded to some of my aunts and cousins that i have not been as close to. i would love to be closer to them so when i see them, we can have fun together and it will feel more natural to chat in person.

there were definitely alot of emotional issues and self-doubt that surfaced in my first few weeks on facebook. now that some time has passed and i know how it all works, i feel much more stable and in control. some of my first conversations with old friends were pretty weird, i am sure they could tell i was "new" to the whole thing...

how many cats...???

i got a call today from a pet adoption agency asking me if it is okay for our tenants to adopt another cat. they have three cats. when they lived with us the first time, they had two cats, and adopted the third without our knowing. which caused us to make sure to let future tenants to "discuss" with us if they want to get a pet. personally, i think three cats is too much (and this comes from someone who had two cats, a dog and a ferret, when we moved into our house).

so i called and told one of them that i think three is alot already, and that we are not comfortable having anymore down there. she said "that sucks. but okay." because they were hoping to balance out the gender ratio of the cats.

i told derek what i had done, and he sounded not that okay with it. i dont know exactly why, but i expect it is something to the effect that we like these renters and do not want to upset them in any way so that they might leave.

so i did some more research to find out how many cats are permitted per homestead in our town.

it turns out, its FIVE cats per home. okay, so they have three, we have one, if they get another, we are maxed out in cats. i called the local animal control to ask if it is five per suite or five total in the house, explaining that i really dont want them to get another cat, but legally, in the Rental Tenancy Act, after you have accepted a tenant, you are not allowed to restrict them from owning pets (even if you have a NP policy). so, she said, it would be five for the entire house.

good. i called the tenant back to say, i looked into the legal rights for the cats, and if she got a fourth cat, our household would be maxed out and then if we wanted to get diedre a kitten one day, we wouldnt be able to, so the "no" still stands.

hopefully they dont move out on account of poor little Fourthy.

Friday, May 11, 2007

lots of things to write, i will try to compartmentalize...

i keep thinking of things i want to write about, but never take the time. both kids are sleeping right now (and probably shouldnt be as it is 4.30pm) so i will take a quick second to ignore my untidy house and write...

its just our time

we are trying to survive on one income.

i think it is a noble cause. i want to be fully available to my kids and be there to see all the great things they are learning. i want to teach them lifeskills and watch them having fun.

i don't really feel like i'm giving anything up right now. i haven't been really "spendy" for years. it comes and goes and usually only comes in the form of eating out (which can all add up). i feel a bit like a robot who just constantly has to say "no" to my wants, so much that they have kind of dissapated, so when i do get some money (gifts or when derek gets a good bonus) i have to really think about what i will spend it on. i guess all those years of derek being a supervisor have creeped into my homelife; somehow he is keeping us motivated and working as a team. so we celebrate as a team too.

my financial contribution is to do some transcription work, to follow a budget, look for a deal (which i love doing), to pay bills, to make sure money is in the right places at the right times and to keep derek aprised of our banking situations.

if it weren't for debt i think we would absolutely be able to survive on derek's income. but for now, he is working on most weekends and some evenings. that is probably the worst of it. i'm working extra too. one of my girlfriends said she views our job (SAHM) as the same "office hours" as our husbands. anytime outside of that is to be shared and negotiated (for free time and hobbies). things don't exactly work that way around here, since when derek takes an evening or saturday to work, he can make alot more money alot faster than i can right now.

its very tiring for both of us. but i have tried to show my support by saying i'm prepared for him to work weekends for a year to get us out of this situation. i also try to be supportive by not complaining when he comes home and then has to get right back to work after a short visit. this is the hardest part for me. i miss him so much and i want his company for me and the kids, more than i need his help. somehow, the Lord is keeping us connected as a couple. i think we go for weeks of hard times, then have a great weekend hanging out and it helps us keep going until the next time. this weekend will be like that i believe.

a huge thing i'm working on and learning is to not claim his free time. to try to let him do what he wants/needs to do without hassling him. whenever he has "free time" i usually try to put my own expectations on it. i start making plans in my head and then get soooo disappointed and mad when he says he has to go out in the yard and do whatever he has been planning in his head. i can see that part of it is that he probably needs to have some free time where he is responsible only to himself. also he does have things to do that i can't do (because i needed to be available for nursing) or don't want to do, but i want done, around the house. i guess there is really alot of pressure on both of us. writing this out gives me more empathy for his situation as the main financial provider.

i look at it like its just our time to go through hard knocks. most older couples have been there. when the kids are little, the dad had to work two jobs to pay for the mortgage and expenses. i believe its just our time and if we handle it well, and don't just get into a cycle of debt that keeps recurring, then there will be an end. thats what i'm banking on ha ha

anyway, kids are up now, we're going to the first of three mother's day events: a family dinner at playgroup tonight, a family breakfast at church EARLY (8am), trip to the zoo, and a brunch on sunday with my parents.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

A Whole Bunch O' Questions

i was tagged by Michelle:

1) Are your parents married or divorced? divorced when i was 2
2) Are you a vegetarian? no
3) Do you believe in Heaven? yes
4) Have you ever come close to dying? no
5) What jewellery do you wear 24/7? My wedding rings
6) Favorite time of day? napping with the kids
7) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? somewhat
8) Do you wear makeup? yes, when i want to look more awake :D
9) Ever have plastic surgery? No
10) Do you color your hair? i currently have lowlights
11) What do you wear to bed ? pajamas (i like wearing long pj pants to bed and need button down tops for nursing)
12) Have you ever done anything illegal? Yes--speeding :D but my favorite thing would be when we used to jump the fence and hang out in the public swimming pool in white rock back in the day
13) Can you roll your tongue? Yes
14) Do You Tweeze your eyebrows? No, i like my eyebrows alot...although i wonder what they would say on "What Not To Wear" because i watched several back to back episodes where they lightened eyebrows to bring out the eyes...
15) What kind of sneakers? sale shoes
16) What is your Hair color? although some "friends" have said my hair is brown (:( ) my hairstylist friend says i have dark blonde hair (and she knows colour) and i have light blond lowlights in it right now.
17) Future child's name? we dont discuss names publicly
18) Do you snore? when i'm stuffed up or way way overtired...i dont think i get into a deep enough sleep these days with a newborn.
19) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? Paris, France
20) Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No (baby and husband fill up the bed at this point)
21) If you won the lottery, what would you do first? pay off debts
22) Hamburger or hot dog? hamburger
23) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? the house salad from the Roadhouse Eatery in White has goat cheese and carmelized pecans...and the portions are huge (although if that was all i could ever eat, i probably wouldnt eat huge portions at a time...)
24) City, beach or country? Country (wow! i cant believe i wrote that...i think at this stage i just really like privacy and quiet...two things that i dont get too often in this house!)
25) What was the last thing you touched? keyboard
26) Where did you eat last? livingroom
27) When's the last time you cried? a month ago maybe...
28) Do you read blogs? yes
29) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? no.
30) Ever been involved with the police? yes...speeding tickets and i took a polygraph test once...that was very fun. there was a robbery at the ticket kiosk i worked at in Whistler. i like to think they chose to test the person they thought was most guilty and the one they thought was least likely (me, ha ha). anyway, the policeman said "wow, you're body really does not like to lie!" because its really all about how your body reacts to the stress of lying versus telling the truth.
31) What's your favorite shampoo conditioner? Fructis but i tried one of the Bedhead shampoo conditioners and really liked that.
32) Do you talk in your sleep? yes
33) Ocean or pool? pool...the ocean here is pretty stinky and yucky...i'm totally over the whole swim in the ocean thing, at least here, maybe if it was somewhere where the sand was white and the water was light blue, it might seem a little cleaner...
34) What's your favorite song at the moment? "The Letter B" (off of "All Star Alphabet")
35)What's your favorite color(s)? burgundy
36) Window seat or aisle? Window
37) Do you feel you have had a truly successful life? Definitely. I have a wonderful family, my husband is perfect for me, i am truly happy and my faith in God has grown and is still an integral part of my life.
38) Do you like beer or wine? wine.
39) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl
40) Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey? oprah
41) Basketball or Football? Basketball
42) How long do your showers last? 5-7 minutes if i'm not washing my hair, 20 minutes if i am (my hair is so long right now...its hard to get all the soap out)
43) Automatic or do you drive a stick? i drive stick. i used to think it was cool but i would much rather have an automatic from now on. standard totally caused braxton hicks for me when i was pregnant and its alot harder to multitask with standard...or alot more dangerous.
44) Cake or ice cream? Cake.
45) Have you ever drank so much you threw up? no.
46) Have you ever given money to a tramp? by "tramp" i assume the question means "poor beggar" and if so, yes
47) Have you been in love? Yes, i am more in love now then ever and i do believe its a choice so i look forward to watching it grow hee hee.
48) Where do you wish you were? Right here, right now.
49) Are you wearing socks? yes. i love socks. i love comfy socks. they make me feel like my feet are getting a hug and since i'm on my feet all day i need the padding.
50) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? i dont think so...
51) Can you tango? maybe
52) Last gift you received? bath stuff
53 ) Last sport you played? bowling
54) Things you spend a lot of money on? diapers and milk!
55) Where do you live? british columbia
56) Where were you born? british columbia
57) Last wedding you went to? maria & colin
58) Favorite fast food restaurant? taco del mar
59) Most loved food(s): goat cheese, steak, toblerone, berries, pickles, grapes
60) Most hated food(s): brussel sprouts, greasy foods, pretzels, snack mix (super salty snacks)
61)What's your least favorite chore? Cleaning the toilet
62) Can you sing? Yes
63) Last person you text messaged? my brother
64) Last place you went on holiday? Ontario
65) Favorite regular drink? Water.