i know, just about everyone who has joined facebook has had to write about their emotional journey into the past...my personal observations are:
1. i had WAY too many crushes...many, not all, of the guys that i have reconnected with were former crushes. crushes from gradeschool, crushes from camp, crushes that lasted one day, crushes that lasted years--pining from afar (well, those ones i usually dont actually connect with--just in case they knew i had a crush on them and then think i am searching them out to see "what if?" and am not the happily married woman that i can assure you that i am).
2. i am still scared to contact some people who were super mean back then. they might be nice now, maybe they would like to know what i am up to these days but i would prefer to wait until they ask me to be "friends" just to avoid "the burn."
3. i have learned that if i truly believe that people can change, like how i know i have changed, i need to give them the benefit of the doubt that they have too.
4. my brother and i have alot of friends in common, which he said annoys him, but i think its a testimony that we were good friends. his friends are usually curious to know what his "little sister" is up to and my friends are all lucky enough to be his friend anyway.
5. where have all the Christians gone? well, from my youth group days, there are not many left, let me tell you. i know i had my 8 months or so away from the faith, but i really thought more people would make it through the 20s with the same faith that we used to share. i am very glad that i still believe and want to live for what i have believed for so long. heartbreak really shook me up and caused me to doubt and take a step away. but i came back, after taking a break, and found that there was no other way for me. it was an interesting journey for me, as i was always a big doubter, but when i returned to my faith, the doubting ended. but there is still hope, some new Christians have surfaced, and some of the old ones seem to be in that time of doubt or disallusionment right now, so it may not be totally over yet. i have always been a very forward person, so out of curiousity, i have asked some if they are "still Christian" but some have ignored the question, while others have been very honest and open about what they are thinking about that right now. SIDE NOTE: i am also surprised at the number of pastor friends derek and i have; and we have also both noticed many who are ex-pastors already (early 30s); and the number of people who are obviously not cool with the term Christian, so they come up with some other snappy way of saying the same thing...post modernism perhaps?
6. my husband and i are so different. its really cute to see him enjoying facebook too. for YEARS he has been trying to find one or two people in particular. so i am so pleased that he has finally reconnected with them (google searches never came through for him all these years). he is also very silly with some of his friends. he is getting "pokes" from one person all the time. its very silly.
7. my latest M.O. for facebook is to write a note when i am interested in becoming "friends" so that its not just a random request but somewhat personalized. i have talked with one of my local friends here who finds it offensive when a friend who she hasnt talked to in years just invites her and doesnt write anything. i dont totally see it that way, because when i first got started i added people thru email addresses, so it was a group invite the first time, out of my inexperience.
8. as long as my blog is not getting totally neglected, i think its okay for me.
9. i have some great girl friends that i have missed over the years who i can have short chats with that seem somewhat easier to do than thru email. so thats been great! and they have written such nice comments on my wall, so flattering :D hee hee
10. the limited profile: so far i think i only have one "friend" that put me on a very limited profile. yah, it feels weird, since they can see mine--and i used to be able to see their full profile. they probably dont look at my page anymore. its situations like that that make me think maybe we are not really "friends".
11. very cool connections have been made with some who i was not necessarily close to back in the day, but now, we have more in common (usually because of kids) and so we can relate much better. and its fun now that my list has expanded to some of my aunts and cousins that i have not been as close to. i would love to be closer to them so when i see them, we can have fun together and it will feel more natural to chat in person.
there were definitely alot of emotional issues and self-doubt that surfaced in my first few weeks on facebook. now that some time has passed and i know how it all works, i feel much more stable and in control. some of my first conversations with old friends were pretty weird, i am sure they could tell i was "new" to the whole thing...
i got a call today from a pet adoption agency asking me if it is okay for our tenants to adopt another cat. they have three cats. when they lived with us the first time, they had two cats, and adopted the third without our knowing. which caused us to make sure to let future tenants to "discuss" with us if they want to get a pet. personally, i think three cats is too much (and this comes from someone who had two cats, a dog and a ferret, when we moved into our house).
so i called and told one of them that i think three is alot already, and that we are not comfortable having anymore down there. she said "that sucks. but okay." because they were hoping to balance out the gender ratio of the cats.
i told derek what i had done, and he sounded not that okay with it. i dont know exactly why, but i expect it is something to the effect that we like these renters and do not want to upset them in any way so that they might leave.
so i did some more research to find out how many cats are permitted per homestead in our town.
it turns out, its FIVE cats per home. okay, so they have three, we have one, if they get another, we are maxed out in cats. i called the local animal control to ask if it is five per suite or five total in the house, explaining that i really dont want them to get another cat, but legally, in the Rental Tenancy Act, after you have accepted a tenant, you are not allowed to restrict them from owning pets (even if you have a NP policy). so, she said, it would be five for the entire house.
good. i called the tenant back to say, i looked into the legal rights for the cats, and if she got a fourth cat, our household would be maxed out and then if we wanted to get diedre a kitten one day, we wouldnt be able to, so the "no" still stands.
hopefully they dont move out on account of poor little Fourthy.
i keep thinking of things i want to write about, but never take the time. both kids are sleeping right now (and probably shouldnt be as it is 4.30pm) so i will take a quick second to ignore my untidy house and write...
i think it is a noble cause. i want to be fully available to my kids and be there to see all the great things they are learning. i want to teach them lifeskills and watch them having fun.
i don't really feel like i'm giving anything up right now. i haven't been really "spendy" for years. it comes and goes and usually only comes in the form of eating out (which can all add up). i feel a bit like a robot who just constantly has to say "no" to my wants, so much that they have kind of dissapated, so when i do get some money (gifts or when derek gets a good bonus) i have to really think about what i will spend it on. i guess all those years of derek being a supervisor have creeped into my homelife; somehow he is keeping us motivated and working as a team. so we celebrate as a team too.
my financial contribution is to do some transcription work, to follow a budget, look for a deal (which i love doing), to pay bills, to make sure money is in the right places at the right times and to keep derek aprised of our banking situations.
if it weren't for debt i think we would absolutely be able to survive on derek's income. but for now, he is working on most weekends and some evenings. that is probably the worst of it. i'm working extra too. one of my girlfriends said she views our job (SAHM) as the same "office hours" as our husbands. anytime outside of that is to be shared and negotiated (for free time and hobbies). things don't exactly work that way around here, since when derek takes an evening or saturday to work, he can make alot more money alot faster than i can right now.
its very tiring for both of us. but i have tried to show my support by saying i'm prepared for him to work weekends for a year to get us out of this situation. i also try to be supportive by not complaining when he comes home and then has to get right back to work after a short visit. this is the hardest part for me. i miss him so much and i want his company for me and the kids, more than i need his help. somehow, the Lord is keeping us connected as a couple. i think we go for weeks of hard times, then have a great weekend hanging out and it helps us keep going until the next time. this weekend will be like that i believe.
a huge thing i'm working on and learning is to not claim his free time. to try to let him do what he wants/needs to do without hassling him. whenever he has "free time" i usually try to put my own expectations on it. i start making plans in my head and then get soooo disappointed and mad when he says he has to go out in the yard and do whatever he has been planning in his head. i can see that part of it is that he probably needs to have some free time where he is responsible only to himself. also he does have things to do that i can't do (because i needed to be available for nursing) or don't want to do, but i want done, around the house. i guess there is really alot of pressure on both of us. writing this out gives me more empathy for his situation as the main financial provider.
i look at it like its just our time to go through hard knocks. most older couples have been there. when the kids are little, the dad had to work two jobs to pay for the mortgage and expenses. i believe its just our time and if we handle it well, and don't just get into a cycle of debt that keeps recurring, then there will be an end. thats what i'm banking on ha ha
anyway, kids are up now, we're going to the first of three mother's day events: a family dinner at playgroup tonight, a family breakfast at church EARLY (8am), trip to the zoo, and a brunch on sunday with my parents.