"The harshness of everyday reality disenchanted him of his idealistic hopes." http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/disenchanted
that pretty much sums up what i'm thinking/feeling. i'll do my best to explain but it most likely will be stream-of-consciousness writing, as the thoughts come fast and jumbled...
i thought i had a stressful childhood for several reasons i wont get into right now, but looking back, i definitely did not feel the burden or was not even aware of the issues the adults in the house may be having, unless they directly affected me.
i feel like i've been climbing up a hill, enjoy the scenery, having a good time, slips, falls, bruises and all. now, i've reached the top of the hill, all of a sudden i can see so many more things. dark valleys are now clear to me. i can see the negative side of church that people have talked about for years and i always thought they were just having "stinking thinking" (please note sarcasm) and now, with my own life as a home owner, stay at home mom (which i always wanted to be) and mother/wife i see the difficulties.
i never thought i had life particularly easy, but compared to now, it was definitely a breeze. being responsible for another person, or three or four (including husband) is much more work than a few or five ferrets.
i recognize that part of my stress if my own fault, too much thinking!
i am constantly thinking or feeling guilty that i'm doing something to screw up my kids...or that this generation is rivaling Sodom & Gomorrah with what is shown as normal behaviour in movies and tv (yikes: re: Gossip Girl last night!!!). i enjoy the entertainment and relaxation i get from watching tv and movies but i find the messages on relationships and family and sex to be so contrary to what is healthy for a person, it is confusing to be constantly inundated by these messages. and yes, that stresses me out because it is important to me to teach them about pure living, and its a little tough. although thats probably looking ahead to far, i can handle purity for a 3 and 5 year old, maybe that should be my focus for now!
anyway, this thinking has made me feel more thankful for the times that i was a kid. i got to enjoy it and didnt have any idea about the stresses to come.
its never too late to start being responsible i suppose, so i'm thinking of starting a 10% tithe to the church and a 5% savings with income that comes in. being in debt and trying to live on one income is pretty tricky although not impossible...here's to hoping.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Monday, November 09, 2009
L-o-o-o-ser
i decided it is time to begin again. i havent weighed in since August 27 when i was only 7lbs from my goal.
but i was definitely overwhelmed, struggling with depression and too many responsibilities. those extra responsibilities are now gone and so i am ready to try to get back to where i want to be weight-wise.
Today's goal: count points all day!
here i go...!
but i was definitely overwhelmed, struggling with depression and too many responsibilities. those extra responsibilities are now gone and so i am ready to try to get back to where i want to be weight-wise.
Today's goal: count points all day!
here i go...!
Saturday, October 24, 2009
more than a feeling
if i may say so myself, i'm very much off the wagon...i have not been following my weight watcher plan. i'm so sad to see my entry from Aug 28 where i was excited and getting sooo close to goal.
from there, i battled with myself over whether or not to go on medication for depression. i decided to put my focus onto my health and not use any mental or emotional energy on my weight loss. it felt great to lose weight and approach my goal, but i had a few strange physical responses: like losing energy all of a sudden (felt like a huge dip in blood sugar levels or something) and also a few episodes of rage, for no good reason, which made me head back to my counselor to see what his insight might be.
it was definitely circumstantial. since december last year, we'd been living in a 2 bedroom suite with a very small living area and kitchen. i felt crammed into this space with 3 kids and pets (2 litters of kittens!) and the absence of my husband for the most part. derek was working on renovating our upstairs (entirely) which was not planned out, grew and grew and grew, and consumed time and money that we couldnt afford to spend. in addition to the renovation process, he also worked a full time job, and did side-jobs as needed to help fund the renovation and our living expenses since we were no longer getting any rental income. phew. and of course, i was recovering from a very painful pregnancy with complications to my body afterwards causing pain and not allowing me to really help much--plus i had to watch 3 kids.
this was not a good place to be in. i felt pretty powerless. i sunk into depression twice earlier this year where i felt like i was literally in a cloud and completely functioning emotionless. i could not smile at my kids. i didnt want to socialize. i just did the bare minimum. it was not a good life for me. these episodes lasted about two weeks thankfully.
this time, it felt different. it was more anger based. i think related to feeling powerless. i had been pretty clear about the help i needed and the support i wanted and it was still up to me to be strong, take care of my responsibilities and hire help as needed. i feel the burden of financial stress too. i do not contribute funds to this life we have. its hard to be in that position. i cant throw money at the problem. i just get to spend money. it was making me feel like a leech. and the stress of letting down my already overburdened husband, was discouraging. he was trying to be as supportive as he could be, but the damage was already done. it was not making me a good mother. i was constantly feeling annoyed with the children and wanting to escape. i wanted to enjoy them. to be happy. to feel good.
now, several months later, i feel okay again. i have continued with counseling. i have had several meetings with my doctor regarding medication and have recently decided that i will not be going on anything at this point. i looked at my life, and tried to find any external responsibilities that i had committed to that were outside of my mothering responsibilities. i decided to strip away anything external and see how things went from there. i guess i had a few things going on, where i was a bit of a go-to person, so i gladly gave them up. they were honestly not a burden at the time, but at this point, i was feeling alot of anxiety and stress at the thought of doing anything other than being a mom/wife.
when i think of it now, i realize that i was doing the same things i would do when i had one child, then two, then three...all of a sudden, it caught up to me and i could not be the mother i wanted to be with these other responsibilities weighing on me.
of course, being the self-analyzer that i am, this has spun me into deeper consideration that is very age/stage appropriate for me: what do i want? what kind of a woman do i want to be? what kind of a mother am i striving to be? where should my energies be focused? how can i be a better wife?
i had a thought a few weeks ago, about how when i was younger, i would look at someone in their mid-thirties and think they seemed so frazzled and strange and i could not relate to them--all of a sudden--thats me! i figure people probably saw me as such. same with the frumpy body and lack of style and taking time to look good...me again...although, i do try to look good when i'm feeling okay!
its been quite the time of discovery, but MAN am i ever glad to be feeling better now. i am enjoying spending time with my kids, focusing on them, meeting their needs emotionally and giving them the attention they need. i was really noticing how my eldest was often asking if we loved her (even tho we say it all the time) and it would be so easy to just snap and say "of course we love you, we say it all the time!" but now i can give her a nice cuddle and tell her why i love her, assure her. and my son, is transitioning from baby to little man, and he needs time to be a baby and times to be brave. i'm so glad i was able to see that, and not just push him to grow up, get over it, as i often felt like doing. i do not handle other peoples emotions well. its something i want to improve on. i want to let them feel, not push them to move on too quickly (and thats not whining, but genuine emotions that they need to learn to work thru, not just be brushed aside).
i'm thankful to God for bringing me through this and curious to see where things go from here.
from there, i battled with myself over whether or not to go on medication for depression. i decided to put my focus onto my health and not use any mental or emotional energy on my weight loss. it felt great to lose weight and approach my goal, but i had a few strange physical responses: like losing energy all of a sudden (felt like a huge dip in blood sugar levels or something) and also a few episodes of rage, for no good reason, which made me head back to my counselor to see what his insight might be.
it was definitely circumstantial. since december last year, we'd been living in a 2 bedroom suite with a very small living area and kitchen. i felt crammed into this space with 3 kids and pets (2 litters of kittens!) and the absence of my husband for the most part. derek was working on renovating our upstairs (entirely) which was not planned out, grew and grew and grew, and consumed time and money that we couldnt afford to spend. in addition to the renovation process, he also worked a full time job, and did side-jobs as needed to help fund the renovation and our living expenses since we were no longer getting any rental income. phew. and of course, i was recovering from a very painful pregnancy with complications to my body afterwards causing pain and not allowing me to really help much--plus i had to watch 3 kids.
this was not a good place to be in. i felt pretty powerless. i sunk into depression twice earlier this year where i felt like i was literally in a cloud and completely functioning emotionless. i could not smile at my kids. i didnt want to socialize. i just did the bare minimum. it was not a good life for me. these episodes lasted about two weeks thankfully.
this time, it felt different. it was more anger based. i think related to feeling powerless. i had been pretty clear about the help i needed and the support i wanted and it was still up to me to be strong, take care of my responsibilities and hire help as needed. i feel the burden of financial stress too. i do not contribute funds to this life we have. its hard to be in that position. i cant throw money at the problem. i just get to spend money. it was making me feel like a leech. and the stress of letting down my already overburdened husband, was discouraging. he was trying to be as supportive as he could be, but the damage was already done. it was not making me a good mother. i was constantly feeling annoyed with the children and wanting to escape. i wanted to enjoy them. to be happy. to feel good.
now, several months later, i feel okay again. i have continued with counseling. i have had several meetings with my doctor regarding medication and have recently decided that i will not be going on anything at this point. i looked at my life, and tried to find any external responsibilities that i had committed to that were outside of my mothering responsibilities. i decided to strip away anything external and see how things went from there. i guess i had a few things going on, where i was a bit of a go-to person, so i gladly gave them up. they were honestly not a burden at the time, but at this point, i was feeling alot of anxiety and stress at the thought of doing anything other than being a mom/wife.
when i think of it now, i realize that i was doing the same things i would do when i had one child, then two, then three...all of a sudden, it caught up to me and i could not be the mother i wanted to be with these other responsibilities weighing on me.
of course, being the self-analyzer that i am, this has spun me into deeper consideration that is very age/stage appropriate for me: what do i want? what kind of a woman do i want to be? what kind of a mother am i striving to be? where should my energies be focused? how can i be a better wife?
i had a thought a few weeks ago, about how when i was younger, i would look at someone in their mid-thirties and think they seemed so frazzled and strange and i could not relate to them--all of a sudden--thats me! i figure people probably saw me as such. same with the frumpy body and lack of style and taking time to look good...me again...although, i do try to look good when i'm feeling okay!
its been quite the time of discovery, but MAN am i ever glad to be feeling better now. i am enjoying spending time with my kids, focusing on them, meeting their needs emotionally and giving them the attention they need. i was really noticing how my eldest was often asking if we loved her (even tho we say it all the time) and it would be so easy to just snap and say "of course we love you, we say it all the time!" but now i can give her a nice cuddle and tell her why i love her, assure her. and my son, is transitioning from baby to little man, and he needs time to be a baby and times to be brave. i'm so glad i was able to see that, and not just push him to grow up, get over it, as i often felt like doing. i do not handle other peoples emotions well. its something i want to improve on. i want to let them feel, not push them to move on too quickly (and thats not whining, but genuine emotions that they need to learn to work thru, not just be brushed aside).
i'm thankful to God for bringing me through this and curious to see where things go from here.
Friday, August 28, 2009
its really really happening!
i was so blown away yesterday when i weighed in and had lost THREE pounds this week. i was away camping (or rather, cabin-ing) with family and everyone contributed to meals so i didnt have points or control over the items. i went on to have extra dinner and a little chocolate, and a piece of pie the night before weigh-in so i was really anticipating that i had maintained my weight, but definitely not lost.
the only thing i can think is that i must have upped my exercise to achieve a 3 lb loss because i was not being "good" or "perfect" on the plan by any means. i dont really get a chance to exercise on a weekly basis, i maybe get one walk in a week, so perhaps doing a nature walk for an hour (while carrying an 18lb baby) and walking back and forth to the swimming pool and leisure lounge area to our cabin must have helped balance out the lasagne, garlic bread, tarts, etc.
it seems that my weight loss pattern has been to lose 2-3 lbs one week, then just under a lb the next week, so that works out to about 2 lbs per week.
i guess it kind of scared me to have such a big loss since i want this to be permanent, not too quick and easy. it definitely has not been easy, i do say no to many things, but i guess i'm eating within my limit for the most part without missing out on life or the joy of social eating :)
when i think of the number: 162, it doesnt seem very low, but i was wearing size 30 jeans on the weekend and i tried on some 30s today that gaped at the back (just the wrong cut) and even a 29 fit okay, i'm swimming in my size 13 capris (they've go to go!), and my underwear are all stretched from pregnancy and so i finally bought some new ones today (which i'm nervous will be too small as mediums, but they look big when i hold them up).
when i saw myself in the mirror at the cabin this weekend, i thought: "Wow! I'm done losing weight! that is how i picture myself looking, how i want to look." Then i had a shower and put in my contacts and i looked much larger--strange...regardless, i guess i'm basically done, especially if i'm fitting size 30 jeans, now i'm just working to get to a number i'm more comfortable with, like 150 or 155 (if i'm still nursing).
Audrey is 11 months old tomorrow. its crazy how it feels like the weight has just fallen off since June when it was such a struggle from October to June, where i remained at 180 lbs all those months. I dont feel that maintenance will be hard since i was able to maintain 180 for 8 or 9 months. I feel like its finally really really happening :D
yay for me!
the only thing i can think is that i must have upped my exercise to achieve a 3 lb loss because i was not being "good" or "perfect" on the plan by any means. i dont really get a chance to exercise on a weekly basis, i maybe get one walk in a week, so perhaps doing a nature walk for an hour (while carrying an 18lb baby) and walking back and forth to the swimming pool and leisure lounge area to our cabin must have helped balance out the lasagne, garlic bread, tarts, etc.
it seems that my weight loss pattern has been to lose 2-3 lbs one week, then just under a lb the next week, so that works out to about 2 lbs per week.
i guess it kind of scared me to have such a big loss since i want this to be permanent, not too quick and easy. it definitely has not been easy, i do say no to many things, but i guess i'm eating within my limit for the most part without missing out on life or the joy of social eating :)
when i think of the number: 162, it doesnt seem very low, but i was wearing size 30 jeans on the weekend and i tried on some 30s today that gaped at the back (just the wrong cut) and even a 29 fit okay, i'm swimming in my size 13 capris (they've go to go!), and my underwear are all stretched from pregnancy and so i finally bought some new ones today (which i'm nervous will be too small as mediums, but they look big when i hold them up).
when i saw myself in the mirror at the cabin this weekend, i thought: "Wow! I'm done losing weight! that is how i picture myself looking, how i want to look." Then i had a shower and put in my contacts and i looked much larger--strange...regardless, i guess i'm basically done, especially if i'm fitting size 30 jeans, now i'm just working to get to a number i'm more comfortable with, like 150 or 155 (if i'm still nursing).
Audrey is 11 months old tomorrow. its crazy how it feels like the weight has just fallen off since June when it was such a struggle from October to June, where i remained at 180 lbs all those months. I dont feel that maintenance will be hard since i was able to maintain 180 for 8 or 9 months. I feel like its finally really really happening :D
yay for me!
Friday, July 31, 2009
make every moment count
two things happened in two days that reminded me to make every moment count.
first, i watched a raunchy movie, it was pretty funny at times, it had some insights into relationships, but then it impacted me with its clever way of distracting from the truth and encouraging insensitivity to evil. it made me feel sick. i was embarassed to be in the theatre, feeling embarassed that someone from church might see me there. i felt sad for our society and especially younger generations (since its 14A in canada, but R in the states) who are being led to a trough of sexual and moral confusion. music (ie. i kissed a girl), movies (most??? i watch alot of movies, and i CANNOT believe the level of sexual content that is in a 14A, even PG 13 is very close), even commercials and of course, magazines, tv, etc. are so full of terrible examples of sexuality and what is expected of women or men. i feel confused. i dont know what it means to be a Christian woman, married, sexy, holy: whats right, whats not for me in those roles?...in watching this movie, i just wonder what Christian couples have decided are acceptable vs. what does God actually think about all this? what's He going to say when we see Him? thats where make every moment count comes in: dont waste time listening to advice on marriage, sex and relationships from sources that are not on common ground with the Bible. Secondly, dont give into what this culture is doing, it was making me think of Sodom and Gomorrah...our culture is trying its hardest to normalize EVERYTHING. nothing is off limits. and this is way beyond sex before marriage, or casual sex. anyway, i take purity seriously. or i would like to. i would like to make every moment count for purity, to say no to what our society/culture is trying to do, to mess with marriages and relationships. and its not that a person/producer/writer is necessarily intentionally plotting to cheapen marriages and commitment or trying to make people continually unsatisfied with their partners (or maybe there is, ie. to have effective, thriving, consumerism there must be newer, improved items to buy, and the old ones have to be thrown away--thats what we do with things, thats what society seems to be doing with people). plus, i think writers think they are writing what is actually happening out there, but in the process, the power of suggestion make "what is actually happening" somewhere, start to happen everywhere.
(like in another movie i saw recently, they had to have a 3 girls kissing at a party since 2 girls kissing is not as riske anymore, its just so darn commonplace (snarcastic)).
i wished i would have looked up the rating on kidsinmind.com as it does give a clear run thru of what to expect of a movie. so if your heart sounds like mine, dont go see The Ugly Truth.
i sooo want young women, not so young women, all women to see their value AS A WOMAN and to not give themselves away for nothing, with little thought. to see they are precious.
the other thing that made me see that i need to make every moment count, was when i was approached by a nice young lady to do a bible study and every time she saw me, she'd say she wanted to get together and talk and do a bible study. i didnt want to rush her into anything, and i also dont want to over commit myself, but i was excited for the opportunity. so we finally made a date to get together, then the day before, we ran into eachother, had a little visit, a little catch up, so then we planned to keep our date for the next day. i felt compelled by God to share some quick points of what it means to commit to God, but i decided to save it for the next day.
she cancelled. with a non-committal rebook for the day after. it didnt happen.
i wish i would have just said what i wanted to say that first day. lesson learned. i'll try that next time. why not? my life is in God. what i need to say, can be said with preparation or not. God will use the willing heart and also when the opportunity arises, i know to use it.
anyway, poor audrey is calling me to bed, so to bed i will go.
g'nite
first, i watched a raunchy movie, it was pretty funny at times, it had some insights into relationships, but then it impacted me with its clever way of distracting from the truth and encouraging insensitivity to evil. it made me feel sick. i was embarassed to be in the theatre, feeling embarassed that someone from church might see me there. i felt sad for our society and especially younger generations (since its 14A in canada, but R in the states) who are being led to a trough of sexual and moral confusion. music (ie. i kissed a girl), movies (most??? i watch alot of movies, and i CANNOT believe the level of sexual content that is in a 14A, even PG 13 is very close), even commercials and of course, magazines, tv, etc. are so full of terrible examples of sexuality and what is expected of women or men. i feel confused. i dont know what it means to be a Christian woman, married, sexy, holy: whats right, whats not for me in those roles?...in watching this movie, i just wonder what Christian couples have decided are acceptable vs. what does God actually think about all this? what's He going to say when we see Him? thats where make every moment count comes in: dont waste time listening to advice on marriage, sex and relationships from sources that are not on common ground with the Bible. Secondly, dont give into what this culture is doing, it was making me think of Sodom and Gomorrah...our culture is trying its hardest to normalize EVERYTHING. nothing is off limits. and this is way beyond sex before marriage, or casual sex. anyway, i take purity seriously. or i would like to. i would like to make every moment count for purity, to say no to what our society/culture is trying to do, to mess with marriages and relationships. and its not that a person/producer/writer is necessarily intentionally plotting to cheapen marriages and commitment or trying to make people continually unsatisfied with their partners (or maybe there is, ie. to have effective, thriving, consumerism there must be newer, improved items to buy, and the old ones have to be thrown away--thats what we do with things, thats what society seems to be doing with people). plus, i think writers think they are writing what is actually happening out there, but in the process, the power of suggestion make "what is actually happening" somewhere, start to happen everywhere.
(like in another movie i saw recently, they had to have a 3 girls kissing at a party since 2 girls kissing is not as riske anymore, its just so darn commonplace (snarcastic)).
i wished i would have looked up the rating on kidsinmind.com as it does give a clear run thru of what to expect of a movie. so if your heart sounds like mine, dont go see The Ugly Truth.
i sooo want young women, not so young women, all women to see their value AS A WOMAN and to not give themselves away for nothing, with little thought. to see they are precious.
the other thing that made me see that i need to make every moment count, was when i was approached by a nice young lady to do a bible study and every time she saw me, she'd say she wanted to get together and talk and do a bible study. i didnt want to rush her into anything, and i also dont want to over commit myself, but i was excited for the opportunity. so we finally made a date to get together, then the day before, we ran into eachother, had a little visit, a little catch up, so then we planned to keep our date for the next day. i felt compelled by God to share some quick points of what it means to commit to God, but i decided to save it for the next day.
she cancelled. with a non-committal rebook for the day after. it didnt happen.
i wish i would have just said what i wanted to say that first day. lesson learned. i'll try that next time. why not? my life is in God. what i need to say, can be said with preparation or not. God will use the willing heart and also when the opportunity arises, i know to use it.
anyway, poor audrey is calling me to bed, so to bed i will go.
g'nite
getting there
i am quite thrilled that i lost 2 lbs this past week. i'm getting so close to my goal range, i really only need to lose another 11.6 lbs to be within my goal range where i wont need to pay anymore. so at best, that would be another 6 weeks, it will probably take a little longer, but i've got to really give it my best.
i'm have definitely lost a size or two, but since i've got another 15 lbs to go, that will probably mean another size and a bit, so i am really trying to stop myself from buying more summer clothes. my yoga style pants are getting alot of wear these days since they fit much better than jean capris.
its been exciting to see a bit of a transformation, where i'm finally looking the way i want to look.
i'm have definitely lost a size or two, but since i've got another 15 lbs to go, that will probably mean another size and a bit, so i am really trying to stop myself from buying more summer clothes. my yoga style pants are getting alot of wear these days since they fit much better than jean capris.
its been exciting to see a bit of a transformation, where i'm finally looking the way i want to look.
Friday, July 24, 2009
count me in
okay, if you know what has worked in the past, keep doing it!!!
thats a weight watcher's slogan. i shoulda known. i only had a 0.2 lb GAIN this week at weigh in, but i was, of course, really hoping for a loss. i didnt count points most of the week because i was BUSY (here are the excuses: kids in soccer in the a.m., kids club in the p.m., sick baby all night, dr.'s appointments, plus prep for the kids club because i was directing the Preschool club, making dinners, lots of driving, etc.) and i tried to eat basically the same thing everyday without over indulging. i guess i did that, but after counting my points yesterday, i see that i probably did go over some days, but obviously i maintained this past week.
so, lesson learned: Count your points, Amanda!!! you've got 15.6 lbs to go!
i really dont want to lose my momentum
thats a weight watcher's slogan. i shoulda known. i only had a 0.2 lb GAIN this week at weigh in, but i was, of course, really hoping for a loss. i didnt count points most of the week because i was BUSY (here are the excuses: kids in soccer in the a.m., kids club in the p.m., sick baby all night, dr.'s appointments, plus prep for the kids club because i was directing the Preschool club, making dinners, lots of driving, etc.) and i tried to eat basically the same thing everyday without over indulging. i guess i did that, but after counting my points yesterday, i see that i probably did go over some days, but obviously i maintained this past week.
so, lesson learned: Count your points, Amanda!!! you've got 15.6 lbs to go!
i really dont want to lose my momentum
Thursday, July 16, 2009
feeling closer
i had a goal of reaching my 5% loss or being under 170lbs. i felt pretty excited about the prospect of being under 170 since it feels like its been a looong time, and thats just so much closer to 155.
i got my 5% which was an 8.8 lb accumulative loss (since the "restart" on June 11) but 10.2 lbs since i began in October. i'm only 13 lbs from being back within my allowable weight (at 155 goal) so thats pretty exciting, and quite attainable. i just finished 5 weeks which i prepaid, and then paid for a single day today. so i figure if i keep going at a steady pace, another 5 weeks should/could have me at goal! will i ever be excited to be back under 160!! its coming :D
i'm starting to look the way i want to look and now its just fine tuning. i'm still having some issues with my belly button (its slightly herniated, and sometimes is hard so thats kind of scary). i talked to a clinic dr. about it and he was pretty adamant that if i experienced any pain that i should head straight to Maple Ridge for emergency surgery. hmmm
here's to filling your plate half full with veggies!
i got my 5% which was an 8.8 lb accumulative loss (since the "restart" on June 11) but 10.2 lbs since i began in October. i'm only 13 lbs from being back within my allowable weight (at 155 goal) so thats pretty exciting, and quite attainable. i just finished 5 weeks which i prepaid, and then paid for a single day today. so i figure if i keep going at a steady pace, another 5 weeks should/could have me at goal! will i ever be excited to be back under 160!! its coming :D
i'm starting to look the way i want to look and now its just fine tuning. i'm still having some issues with my belly button (its slightly herniated, and sometimes is hard so thats kind of scary). i talked to a clinic dr. about it and he was pretty adamant that if i experienced any pain that i should head straight to Maple Ridge for emergency surgery. hmmm
here's to filling your plate half full with veggies!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
try, try, try
i went back to weight watchers again tonight. first time since january 29. well, its been a tough couple months, lots of sicknesses, my first bout with allergies, a couple bouts of serious depression, then some realignment of my life and some re-integration of my husband into our family time. so i guess, now the renovation is nearing completion, there's light at the end of the tunnel (i almost wrote "tonnel" which, is a little descriptive of the TON of stuff thats been going on)...
regardless, things ARE going much better now. i am feeling much more grounded, enjoying my family, i even cut out tv for the kids this week. four days down! i'm loving having no tv. i was noticing that Audrey is at a very interactive stage of life: crawling, smiling, wanting to "talk" and just interacting. i was noticing that my little tv kids were not really interacting with her much (especially first thing, cuz they were watching it first thing in the morning. which began when i was too tired to get up in the morning so they just went to watch tv). so now, they have had some great times interacting, playing together, playing with our little kittens. its been just what i wanted. Diedre still asks for tv (maybe once a day, but not today!) and i just say no and suggest books or colouring or playdough and she went for it. yay!
and now, time for getting back to weight watchers. sadly, i have to pay! argh! its been YEARS since i've paid because i achieved lifetime membership the first time i did it and then i used the "free" post-partum time line after each pregnancy. anyway, i paid up for 5 weeks. so i'll try to bust my butt and see how close i can get to my goal in that time. i've got 24.2 lbs to lose...so i think i'll be needing more that 5 weeks but its a start.
lets call these the "before" pics since i've been hovering around this weight for awhile now.
anyway, go amanda go, we'll see :D
regardless, things ARE going much better now. i am feeling much more grounded, enjoying my family, i even cut out tv for the kids this week. four days down! i'm loving having no tv. i was noticing that Audrey is at a very interactive stage of life: crawling, smiling, wanting to "talk" and just interacting. i was noticing that my little tv kids were not really interacting with her much (especially first thing, cuz they were watching it first thing in the morning. which began when i was too tired to get up in the morning so they just went to watch tv). so now, they have had some great times interacting, playing together, playing with our little kittens. its been just what i wanted. Diedre still asks for tv (maybe once a day, but not today!) and i just say no and suggest books or colouring or playdough and she went for it. yay!
and now, time for getting back to weight watchers. sadly, i have to pay! argh! its been YEARS since i've paid because i achieved lifetime membership the first time i did it and then i used the "free" post-partum time line after each pregnancy. anyway, i paid up for 5 weeks. so i'll try to bust my butt and see how close i can get to my goal in that time. i've got 24.2 lbs to lose...so i think i'll be needing more that 5 weeks but its a start.
lets call these the "before" pics since i've been hovering around this weight for awhile now.
anyway, go amanda go, we'll see :D
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
too many MCs not enough mics
okay, thoughts thoughts thoughts analytical emotional thoughts. i cannot escape them. they are unfortunately something i have to live with and deal with.
today's barrage:
character development vs. behaviour modification
how do you get a boy to use the potty?
am i making positive connections with my kids when they watch tv for a few hours then we go out and do something with other people? am i depending too much on others to help me thru my day? am i building my family or passing them off on other people, even tho i'm there, in a good mood, and enjoying watching them play or appreciating that they can play nice?
i'm trying to hug my kids more. it reminds me of the blessing they are and that i was so honored to have them in my life throughout my pregnancies and into their new life.
i'm a sentimental packrat that is raising a sentimental packrat who is teaching her brother to be a sentimental packrat. (that seems like a good status update line).
can i make it thru this day without getting "depressed" by 7 or 8pm when my DH comes home?
someone told me that depression is like a fever, it forces your body to take a break, mental capacities kind of shut down and you are forced to rest, regardless of mounting responsibilities.
i'm an unusual person who talks thru things when most people introvert.
i'm trying to trust that God knows what i need and that He's going to give me what i need a the right time.
thats all i've got time for now.
today's barrage:
character development vs. behaviour modification
how do you get a boy to use the potty?
am i making positive connections with my kids when they watch tv for a few hours then we go out and do something with other people? am i depending too much on others to help me thru my day? am i building my family or passing them off on other people, even tho i'm there, in a good mood, and enjoying watching them play or appreciating that they can play nice?
i'm trying to hug my kids more. it reminds me of the blessing they are and that i was so honored to have them in my life throughout my pregnancies and into their new life.
i'm a sentimental packrat that is raising a sentimental packrat who is teaching her brother to be a sentimental packrat. (that seems like a good status update line).
can i make it thru this day without getting "depressed" by 7 or 8pm when my DH comes home?
someone told me that depression is like a fever, it forces your body to take a break, mental capacities kind of shut down and you are forced to rest, regardless of mounting responsibilities.
i'm an unusual person who talks thru things when most people introvert.
i'm trying to trust that God knows what i need and that He's going to give me what i need a the right time.
thats all i've got time for now.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
soo many updates
i spent hours today updating photos on facebook. blogging has been such a low priority lately, or maybe just a no-time thing. we were all sick. caring for 3 sick kids while i'm sick is pretty time consuming. needless to say, i have definitely not been following weight watchers. i estimate its been about a month, maybe more. my weight is fluctuating close to 180 lbs. i am not happy about this. when i see myself in pictures (and especially in the birthday video for my daughter's 4th last month) i want to never see a picture of myself again. i remember always thinking people who didnt want a picture taken were being lame, now i am that person. i cannot stand it. however, i dont have the health/energy to really do anything about it presently--although eating less would probably help.
today derek invited me over for a chocolate after dinner,
i said "but what if i dont want one?"
he said "you want one."
and i said "i dont like to eat junk food before 8pm. ha ha"
but that being written, i havent had anything but water since then.
my mom says, i'll get there because i always get there and i want to get there.
i've been thinking how at 30/mid 30s women often look larger than they want to...i always noticed that, but now that i'm there, i think i get it: babies, breastfeeding, busy with kids, my parents (anyone, especially husband) dont tell me not to eat dessert all the time anymore, i cant just go out for a walk anytime, i cant even go to the gym right now because childcare is available until a baby is 6 months old, marriage is compromise and renos are priority so we can move back upstairs, tv is much more relaxing and is often the only option when baby falls asleep, wakes up within ten minutes, falls asleep again, wakes up again, and so on.
its like the first time you live on your own and you realize you can have cookies for breakfast, for snack, for lunch, for dinner because you are allowed to do whatever you want to now. pretty unhealthy, but thats freedom to indulge, no sharing with siblings. i was just reading in a parenting book a little snippet where a parent says "those cookies are for everyone in the house." to remind a child to share, to only eat a few at a time, to not be a hoarder. i definitely didnt learn that lesson. i was a hoarder and i am most likely to eat the rest of the cake if theres a cake. these are definitely bad habits for someone who wants to lose some weight...well alot of weight...25lbs at least!
so maybe therein lies a few goals: dont hoard but rather share. dont eat the rest of the cake, its better in the garbage than in my belly.
wasting food would probably feel better than how i feel about my body.
on a more positive note, i am feeling very good about my parenting. i have been implementing a few tactics that i read about and am pleased that they are working with both older kids. it goes a little something like this "when i say something, i expect you to listen." even tho my son is just over two, he seems to be responding to it. of course it only works when i stop him and look him in the face. another thing that i'm thankful for with him is when he gets in trouble, we ask him why he's in trouble and he'll tell us. and i'm able to deal with anger in a healthy way. much less yelling thankfully.
i was considering giving up my family blog after doing a super photo album update today. i have very few blog followers which makes me kind of sad. i had sooo many during my first pregnancy and after baby was born. but i think thats just because i was working and had alot of connections that way. as for now, most connections are on facebook, and thats it. i guess i'll have to talk it over withh my MIL since its pretty much just for her.
xo
today derek invited me over for a chocolate after dinner,
i said "but what if i dont want one?"
he said "you want one."
and i said "i dont like to eat junk food before 8pm. ha ha"
but that being written, i havent had anything but water since then.
my mom says, i'll get there because i always get there and i want to get there.
i've been thinking how at 30/mid 30s women often look larger than they want to...i always noticed that, but now that i'm there, i think i get it: babies, breastfeeding, busy with kids, my parents (anyone, especially husband) dont tell me not to eat dessert all the time anymore, i cant just go out for a walk anytime, i cant even go to the gym right now because childcare is available until a baby is 6 months old, marriage is compromise and renos are priority so we can move back upstairs, tv is much more relaxing and is often the only option when baby falls asleep, wakes up within ten minutes, falls asleep again, wakes up again, and so on.
its like the first time you live on your own and you realize you can have cookies for breakfast, for snack, for lunch, for dinner because you are allowed to do whatever you want to now. pretty unhealthy, but thats freedom to indulge, no sharing with siblings. i was just reading in a parenting book a little snippet where a parent says "those cookies are for everyone in the house." to remind a child to share, to only eat a few at a time, to not be a hoarder. i definitely didnt learn that lesson. i was a hoarder and i am most likely to eat the rest of the cake if theres a cake. these are definitely bad habits for someone who wants to lose some weight...well alot of weight...25lbs at least!
so maybe therein lies a few goals: dont hoard but rather share. dont eat the rest of the cake, its better in the garbage than in my belly.
wasting food would probably feel better than how i feel about my body.
on a more positive note, i am feeling very good about my parenting. i have been implementing a few tactics that i read about and am pleased that they are working with both older kids. it goes a little something like this "when i say something, i expect you to listen." even tho my son is just over two, he seems to be responding to it. of course it only works when i stop him and look him in the face. another thing that i'm thankful for with him is when he gets in trouble, we ask him why he's in trouble and he'll tell us. and i'm able to deal with anger in a healthy way. much less yelling thankfully.
i was considering giving up my family blog after doing a super photo album update today. i have very few blog followers which makes me kind of sad. i had sooo many during my first pregnancy and after baby was born. but i think thats just because i was working and had alot of connections that way. as for now, most connections are on facebook, and thats it. i guess i'll have to talk it over withh my MIL since its pretty much just for her.
xo
Monday, February 02, 2009
its my blog and i'll whine if i want to
i feel:
-guilty for booking preschool on monday mornings because it makes it too big of a day (too much activity) for my daughter and then makes me feel like skipping caregroup in the evening.
-guilty for bannishing my daughter to her room to have a quiet time while i decide if i can handle taking 3 kids to caregroup without my husband
-annoyed that we ever bought a house that would require such extensive renovations just to be a safe living environment
-guilty for begrudging our decision to buy this house
-thankful that my husband is so handy, energetic, willing to renovate to make this a safe/healthy place to live (ie. mold free)
-tired, very very tired
-extremely sore in the shoulders and upper back because i keep having to cancel my physio appointments
-annoyed that my basic needs cannot be taken care of
-self-doubting about so much because i'm tired
-disappointed with myself for not being stricter with weight watchers this week
-annoyed that i cant go for a run because my husbands reno is priority and we decided to have lots of kids so its not possible
-annoyed that all the AA batteries are in the kids toys and none left for my wii fit balance board
-sorry for letting my baby cry while i type out these feelings but i dont know how to get her to calm down right now because she's teething and her schedule has changed once again
-sick of answering questions or having to meet demands by 3 or 4 people
-ready for bed
-a little better at the end of this list
-worried about my dad and his liver issues. it reminds me that i'm 30, he's 62, we're all getting older
-stressed by finances but proud of our efforts to eat at home more
-too tired to change out of my workout clothes although i might feel better if i do before we go out
-guilty for booking preschool on monday mornings because it makes it too big of a day (too much activity) for my daughter and then makes me feel like skipping caregroup in the evening.
-guilty for bannishing my daughter to her room to have a quiet time while i decide if i can handle taking 3 kids to caregroup without my husband
-annoyed that we ever bought a house that would require such extensive renovations just to be a safe living environment
-guilty for begrudging our decision to buy this house
-thankful that my husband is so handy, energetic, willing to renovate to make this a safe/healthy place to live (ie. mold free)
-tired, very very tired
-extremely sore in the shoulders and upper back because i keep having to cancel my physio appointments
-annoyed that my basic needs cannot be taken care of
-self-doubting about so much because i'm tired
-disappointed with myself for not being stricter with weight watchers this week
-annoyed that i cant go for a run because my husbands reno is priority and we decided to have lots of kids so its not possible
-annoyed that all the AA batteries are in the kids toys and none left for my wii fit balance board
-sorry for letting my baby cry while i type out these feelings but i dont know how to get her to calm down right now because she's teething and her schedule has changed once again
-sick of answering questions or having to meet demands by 3 or 4 people
-ready for bed
-a little better at the end of this list
-worried about my dad and his liver issues. it reminds me that i'm 30, he's 62, we're all getting older
-stressed by finances but proud of our efforts to eat at home more
-too tired to change out of my workout clothes although i might feel better if i do before we go out
Thursday, January 29, 2009
things are looking up
after being sick since last friday, and very very sick at times with a very nasty cold, weight loss was on my mind but behind juice, tea, comfort food, and rest. after taking care of myself as much as possible while having 3 small children, i gained 0.6 lb at tonight's weigh in. no biggie. i'm motivated to get back at my wii fit and count my points this week coming.
the last time i worked out on my wii fit, i actually broke a sweat and it felt awesome! i havent "worked out" for a long time. i realize now that i have an issue called Diastasis Recti (separation of the abdominal muscles) as a result of my pregnancies. i found some great exercises that i have yet to begin because of being sick.
i'm still "planning" on having one more baby, but i really want to make sure my body can handle it because this past time, it was not so....ouchie. things were baaaad. anyway, after having a wonderful, beautiful, healthy third child, i am still planning to go ahead with another, i'm just thinking through the timing/spacing from this baby as well as my health. i'm glad to know that my ab separation has lessened since i've started my wii fit workouts (mostly from the yoga poses, i'd venture to guess). i have a check up with my dr. in two weeks so i'm looking forward to seeing how low my weight will be as well as the ab separation because the article claims that these exercises should bring improvement rather quickly. i have been feeling sore at my belly button, like its slightly herniated, so i hope that settles soon too.
i had a pretty melancholy day the other day, and i know that its all about what i focus on. there are great women that i am friends with out there, but there have just been a few things that have happened that have made me feel attacked, ignored, not cared about...i choose to let those things go in lieu of better days, better friends, better interactions.
now, i'm going to go have a little more chocolate before i get back on the program full force tomorrow!
the last time i worked out on my wii fit, i actually broke a sweat and it felt awesome! i havent "worked out" for a long time. i realize now that i have an issue called Diastasis Recti (separation of the abdominal muscles) as a result of my pregnancies. i found some great exercises that i have yet to begin because of being sick.
i'm still "planning" on having one more baby, but i really want to make sure my body can handle it because this past time, it was not so....ouchie. things were baaaad. anyway, after having a wonderful, beautiful, healthy third child, i am still planning to go ahead with another, i'm just thinking through the timing/spacing from this baby as well as my health. i'm glad to know that my ab separation has lessened since i've started my wii fit workouts (mostly from the yoga poses, i'd venture to guess). i have a check up with my dr. in two weeks so i'm looking forward to seeing how low my weight will be as well as the ab separation because the article claims that these exercises should bring improvement rather quickly. i have been feeling sore at my belly button, like its slightly herniated, so i hope that settles soon too.
i had a pretty melancholy day the other day, and i know that its all about what i focus on. there are great women that i am friends with out there, but there have just been a few things that have happened that have made me feel attacked, ignored, not cared about...i choose to let those things go in lieu of better days, better friends, better interactions.
now, i'm going to go have a little more chocolate before i get back on the program full force tomorrow!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
why me?
okay, feeling melancholic.
so, i've had a really good week as far as counting points and fitting in a bit of fitness most days. today was a bit of a write-off for points because i had this moms group where there's just a bunch of food. i tried to make wise choices, but i did throw in a bit of almond rocha...
anyway, my "why me?" is about me being such a sensitive person. i HAAAAAATE it. i dont want to be insecure or petty or whatever, but i CANNOT help it. i have thoughts and trains of thought that when i say it out loud to someone who is NOT sensitive (ie. bounce an idea off a friend) they say things like "i dont think anyone would think like that." but obviously i do, so some people must too...so that being written, i am extra conscious of others because i wouldnt want them to be offended, like i might be, but most likely, they would not be.
is there anyway to UNLEARN this annoying personality trait? i so, do not want to pass it onto my kids!
i've lived in this new town for 3 years and had one round of disappointment when after 2 years i found out that only one of the several friends i had made actually liked me, while the others just talked about me behind my back, were nice to my face, and then excluded me from gatherings.
i'm very cautious when making friends now. i'm scared i'll do something to turn them off. so i really take it slow, which works for me since my life is full of children. but gosh, i wish i could just get all this stuff off my back so i can just be free to be me. i think i'm awesome (other than that annoying sensitveness), but i dont know how to let go of those hurts and finding out that i was oblivious to people not liking me.
i often think of a quote my mom wrote in this book she made for me where she commented that her mother always wanted everyone to like her. i'm sure i'm the same way. my mom says that this sensitivity is not from her, that she's not like that, so then i'm at a loss. not that knowing where it came from would help, i really just want to know how to not be that way.
any advice?
so, i've had a really good week as far as counting points and fitting in a bit of fitness most days. today was a bit of a write-off for points because i had this moms group where there's just a bunch of food. i tried to make wise choices, but i did throw in a bit of almond rocha...
anyway, my "why me?" is about me being such a sensitive person. i HAAAAAATE it. i dont want to be insecure or petty or whatever, but i CANNOT help it. i have thoughts and trains of thought that when i say it out loud to someone who is NOT sensitive (ie. bounce an idea off a friend) they say things like "i dont think anyone would think like that." but obviously i do, so some people must too...so that being written, i am extra conscious of others because i wouldnt want them to be offended, like i might be, but most likely, they would not be.
is there anyway to UNLEARN this annoying personality trait? i so, do not want to pass it onto my kids!
i've lived in this new town for 3 years and had one round of disappointment when after 2 years i found out that only one of the several friends i had made actually liked me, while the others just talked about me behind my back, were nice to my face, and then excluded me from gatherings.
i'm very cautious when making friends now. i'm scared i'll do something to turn them off. so i really take it slow, which works for me since my life is full of children. but gosh, i wish i could just get all this stuff off my back so i can just be free to be me. i think i'm awesome (other than that annoying sensitveness), but i dont know how to let go of those hurts and finding out that i was oblivious to people not liking me.
i often think of a quote my mom wrote in this book she made for me where she commented that her mother always wanted everyone to like her. i'm sure i'm the same way. my mom says that this sensitivity is not from her, that she's not like that, so then i'm at a loss. not that knowing where it came from would help, i really just want to know how to not be that way.
any advice?
Friday, January 16, 2009
new year, same goal
after pretty much taking december off of my weight watchers plan, i'm back at 'er.
in december, a new plan was introduced, so we had weigh-in only one day, then Christmas & new years with no weigh-in. so there were no meetings for 3 weeks and i really needed a meeting. i was feeling VERY unmotivated and disappointed with my progress so far, not to mention my lack of discipline and no time for exercising.
so over the holidays, i ate like crazy, soooo much chocolate and baking and such, but i also started doing wii fit on a regular basis. nearly every day i do 20 to 30 minutes. one week i lost 1 lb a day for 3 or 4 days to get me back down to 179, but then it stopped.
so my plan is to keep doing wii fit everyday. i do 3-5 yoga poses (2 minutes each in the bank) then either boxing fit, or step, or the run. which rounds it up to 20 minutes easy. i also decided to weigh myself on the wii fit using the "0 lbs for clothing weight" so that i can judge my fluctuation better.
i'm still not sleeping thru the night and i dont always get a nap, so not resting enough definitely makes me want to eat chocolate or sweets.
i really hope i can have a good loss this week because i'm really getting sick of not being able to wear my clothes!!! i've only got one pair of before&after maternity jeans, otherwise its fairly slim pickins and i'm not the type to wear yoga pants out and about on a regular basis.
i'm trying to focus on the fact that i've already lost 20lbs since Audrey was born 3.5 months ago.
also, i've done this weight loss thing 3 times before successfully, so i know i can do it!
a good piece of advice i heard was to focus on the last meal/snack instead of whats next because it might change your choice when you think back.
happy new year
in december, a new plan was introduced, so we had weigh-in only one day, then Christmas & new years with no weigh-in. so there were no meetings for 3 weeks and i really needed a meeting. i was feeling VERY unmotivated and disappointed with my progress so far, not to mention my lack of discipline and no time for exercising.
so over the holidays, i ate like crazy, soooo much chocolate and baking and such, but i also started doing wii fit on a regular basis. nearly every day i do 20 to 30 minutes. one week i lost 1 lb a day for 3 or 4 days to get me back down to 179, but then it stopped.
so my plan is to keep doing wii fit everyday. i do 3-5 yoga poses (2 minutes each in the bank) then either boxing fit, or step, or the run. which rounds it up to 20 minutes easy. i also decided to weigh myself on the wii fit using the "0 lbs for clothing weight" so that i can judge my fluctuation better.
i'm still not sleeping thru the night and i dont always get a nap, so not resting enough definitely makes me want to eat chocolate or sweets.
i really hope i can have a good loss this week because i'm really getting sick of not being able to wear my clothes!!! i've only got one pair of before&after maternity jeans, otherwise its fairly slim pickins and i'm not the type to wear yoga pants out and about on a regular basis.
i'm trying to focus on the fact that i've already lost 20lbs since Audrey was born 3.5 months ago.
also, i've done this weight loss thing 3 times before successfully, so i know i can do it!
a good piece of advice i heard was to focus on the last meal/snack instead of whats next because it might change your choice when you think back.
happy new year
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)