disenchanted

"The harshness of everyday reality disenchanted him of his idealistic hopes." http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/disenchanted

that pretty much sums up what i'm thinking/feeling. i'll do my best to explain but it most likely will be stream-of-consciousness writing, as the thoughts come fast and jumbled...

i thought i had a stressful childhood for several reasons i wont get into right now, but looking back, i definitely did not feel the burden or was not even aware of the issues the adults in the house may be having, unless they directly affected me.

i feel like i've been climbing up a hill, enjoy the scenery, having a good time, slips, falls, bruises and all. now, i've reached the top of the hill, all of a sudden i can see so many more things. dark valleys are now clear to me. i can see the negative side of church that people have talked about for years and i always thought they were just having "stinking thinking" (please note sarcasm) and now, with my own life as a home owner, stay at home mom (which i always wanted to be) and mother/wife i see the difficulties.

i never thought i had life particularly easy, but compared to now, it was definitely a breeze. being responsible for another person, or three or four (including husband) is much more work than a few or five ferrets.

i recognize that part of my stress if my own fault, too much thinking!

i am constantly thinking or feeling guilty that i'm doing something to screw up my kids...or that this generation is rivaling Sodom & Gomorrah with what is shown as normal behaviour in movies and tv (yikes: re: Gossip Girl last night!!!). i enjoy the entertainment and relaxation i get from watching tv and movies but i find the messages on relationships and family and sex to be so contrary to what is healthy for a person, it is confusing to be constantly inundated by these messages. and yes, that stresses me out because it is important to me to teach them about pure living, and its a little tough. although thats probably looking ahead to far, i can handle purity for a 3 and 5 year old, maybe that should be my focus for now!

anyway, this thinking has made me feel more thankful for the times that i was a kid. i got to enjoy it and didnt have any idea about the stresses to come.

its never too late to start being responsible i suppose, so i'm thinking of starting a 10% tithe to the church and a 5% savings with income that comes in. being in debt and trying to live on one income is pretty tricky although not impossible...here's to hoping.