Tuesday, April 08, 2008

i'm not looking for advice, maybe a little love...

in the last few weeks i have had a pretty tumultuous time with "friends" or people who have told me i'm insecure, lack confidence, unsure of myself, i dont carry myself in a way that would attract people to me, and today, that my mind is separate from my body and i need to get grounded (i have NO idea what she meant....its some new agey philosophy as far as i can tell...no idea....except that maybe it was another: you're unsure of yourself statement--it also had something to do with "giving away my power"??).

i am overly honest, and am someone people feel comfortable telling these fairly unhelpful statements to--because they're not telling me how i can be more confident...

i feel pretty beaten down. i feel like i did in grade two when i was not content with the friends i had and wanted "popular friends" just to have them reject me...and then the major relationship difficulties i had in my preteen and teen years where i was controlling and manipulative and basically not able to appreciate the friendships i had...then in college where these girls would go out for coffee and never invite me, and me being odd, asked why they didnt invite me and they said "you are really hard to be friends with." but i had NO idea why...they didnt elaborate and we had a strange, strained friendship after that...and then when i lived in whistler, i never felt like i had friends who really cared about me but i just thought it was because i was busy being a newlywed and had a hard first year...and now, i've been in this town for two and a half years and was feeling like i lacked any significant connections...and this i found out recently, was because i rubbed people the wrong way...i was judgemental, and too forward with my opinions, and hurt peoples feelings and again i had NO idea i was doing this. now that i've been told, i see it for sure, i know what i can do to change and i am totally willing to do that. not so people will "like" me but because i see that it was wrong and i want to be a supportive person, not a judgmental person.

writing this here, knowing people might read it, is hard. i guess i'm hoping it will give insight into who i am. it will act as an apology to those i know i've hurt in the time of our friendship. it will explain why i'm so odd...mostly, i truly am embarassed for what i've done, what i've allowed myself to become, for being such a crappy example of someone who follows Christ, for the things i didnt realize and wish i had...its like when i was learning that i could be honest without violating myself all the time, it was such an embarrassment to realize that i didnt know there was another way.

is there something wrong with my brain? why do i have to learn things in such a hard way? why do people tell me such hurtful things? why do i put myself out there where i can be hurt.

if i wasnt interested in socializing or making friends, i could avoid these hurts and have a much cleaner house.

the other thing that really confuses me is why the people who know me well love me so much...but then i cant seem to make new friends. it makes me think that i was more likeable ten years ago so those are the friends i have now, but something changed so now i'm not likeable...?

another explanation is that i have tried to make friends with people who do not share similar values so i am always the oddball. plus, i was too open about my values and that i thought they were the right way to be...so that turned people off.

anyway, enough mental gymnastics...i'm turning 30 soon, so apparently it is not uncommon to have major emotional/social/intellectual/spiritual breakthroughs or shake-ups. now, i get to practice "letting go" and not letting this eat me up anymore...