Tuesday, April 08, 2008

i'm not looking for advice, maybe a little love...

in the last few weeks i have had a pretty tumultuous time with "friends" or people who have told me i'm insecure, lack confidence, unsure of myself, i dont carry myself in a way that would attract people to me, and today, that my mind is separate from my body and i need to get grounded (i have NO idea what she meant....its some new agey philosophy as far as i can tell...no idea....except that maybe it was another: you're unsure of yourself statement--it also had something to do with "giving away my power"??).

i am overly honest, and am someone people feel comfortable telling these fairly unhelpful statements to--because they're not telling me how i can be more confident...

i feel pretty beaten down. i feel like i did in grade two when i was not content with the friends i had and wanted "popular friends" just to have them reject me...and then the major relationship difficulties i had in my preteen and teen years where i was controlling and manipulative and basically not able to appreciate the friendships i had...then in college where these girls would go out for coffee and never invite me, and me being odd, asked why they didnt invite me and they said "you are really hard to be friends with." but i had NO idea why...they didnt elaborate and we had a strange, strained friendship after that...and then when i lived in whistler, i never felt like i had friends who really cared about me but i just thought it was because i was busy being a newlywed and had a hard first year...and now, i've been in this town for two and a half years and was feeling like i lacked any significant connections...and this i found out recently, was because i rubbed people the wrong way...i was judgemental, and too forward with my opinions, and hurt peoples feelings and again i had NO idea i was doing this. now that i've been told, i see it for sure, i know what i can do to change and i am totally willing to do that. not so people will "like" me but because i see that it was wrong and i want to be a supportive person, not a judgmental person.

writing this here, knowing people might read it, is hard. i guess i'm hoping it will give insight into who i am. it will act as an apology to those i know i've hurt in the time of our friendship. it will explain why i'm so odd...mostly, i truly am embarassed for what i've done, what i've allowed myself to become, for being such a crappy example of someone who follows Christ, for the things i didnt realize and wish i had...its like when i was learning that i could be honest without violating myself all the time, it was such an embarrassment to realize that i didnt know there was another way.

is there something wrong with my brain? why do i have to learn things in such a hard way? why do people tell me such hurtful things? why do i put myself out there where i can be hurt.

if i wasnt interested in socializing or making friends, i could avoid these hurts and have a much cleaner house.

the other thing that really confuses me is why the people who know me well love me so much...but then i cant seem to make new friends. it makes me think that i was more likeable ten years ago so those are the friends i have now, but something changed so now i'm not likeable...?

another explanation is that i have tried to make friends with people who do not share similar values so i am always the oddball. plus, i was too open about my values and that i thought they were the right way to be...so that turned people off.

anyway, enough mental gymnastics...i'm turning 30 soon, so apparently it is not uncommon to have major emotional/social/intellectual/spiritual breakthroughs or shake-ups. now, i get to practice "letting go" and not letting this eat me up anymore...

9 comments:

Leah said...

Hey Amanda
Don't let one person's opinion change you. I often find that people hate things in other people because it's something they hate in themselves. I found the best thing to do is try walking in the other's shoes it will give another perspective.

I had a friend in highschool that would put be down all the time about my nose but then my mom told me to walk in her shoes, I did and it became clear that she didn't have high self-esteem and that was her way of feeling better about herself.

Hey Mom was wanting your number because she would like Derek to do some tree cutting.

Leah said...

**sorry fingers aren't working. My mom would like your number

mellenger said...

sorry i didn't read your post until now. it is hard for me not to give advice but i will try to follow the title of your blog. i have been wanting to tell you that i love having you as a sister-in-law. you always get me such nice cards and i don't really do the card thing so i've been thinking of of writing you an email. i always wanted in-laws because i thought it would be just like expanding my family. you've been a great sister to me. like the one i always wanted growing up but never got. i think our relationship is definitely on the family level ... and by that i mean beyond friendship not in the stuck with them sense. i love that we get to hang out with you are family events. i like that you are always self-examining yourself and willing to change. you are very free with compliments. you are lots of fun to be around. i'm glad andrew has such a great sister because i really did want a sister for a long time. i think that some people have lots of friends and others have a few deep ones. andrew always said he was more of the second type. maybe you are too? sorry couldn't help it. anyway those are just some random thoughts. hope you feel the love.
heather

the salmon said...

i really do. thank you heather.
xo

ramblin'andie said...

Hi Amanda,
You know, I've always liked you too. When you worked with Andrew you ALWAYS sought me out if you knew I was in the office. You were always friendly to me. And I didn't get that from a lot of people there. You're very honest and I know a lot of people find that uncomfortable. But I'd rather have a friend who is honest than one who is duplicitous or goes along with things because they don't want to rock the boat. Anyway, Here's some lovin' from our house. We think you're super ;)
Andie

Michelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Weckstroms said...

Hey Amanda,
Thanks for sharing with those of us who read your blog...I'm sure it must be hard to be so open about your thoughts and feelings. I wanted to send a little *love* your way. Just to reiterate what Andie posted earlier, you are such a friendly, honest person, and that's what I like best about you! When I first met you at work, my first thought was "I really like this girl!", and it's as true now as it was then. I truly appreciate your openness and candour.
Carla

Linda Rempel said...

Hi! Amanda: Today was the first day that I checked out your blog . . . I'm a little out of sorts today, and ignoring all the jobs to be done around my house etc. so what better way than to go visit with friends online . . .

I recognize your confusion and hurt, because I've been there as well - trying to figure out why people say and do what they do, and then super analyze myself to death afterwards. I learned some things through the years though - since I am way older than you are :) - I try to look past the words to who is saying them because often they come from someone else who is insecure and it makes them feel like they are hiding that fact by being strong in their words. I probably recognize that because I think I do that sometimes too . . . I also take things too personally sometimes, and it isn't always about me in the first place. The best thing I've learned though is to pray and spend time examining myself before God to see if there is any truth in the words, and to ask God to show me where I need to change, and ask that He show me clearly who He has created me and that I would be obedient. Anyway - I know this is a long comment - sorry! I would love to chat in person sometimes Amanda - sorry that my life is so hectic,and even at church I don't always say Hi!! I'll pray that God would show you the people that need you to be their friend too! Blessings!

anji said...

Not sure if you still check the comments here but - first off, I liked you in highschool and I think we had similar experiences. I never felt I was ever part of any group, of friends or whatever. I kinda always felt like an outsider. Some people perceive it as snobbyness but what they don't see is that maybe I am too shy and scared to go up to them... people sometimes have perceptions that are incorrect and there isn't much we can do.

Stay strong my dear, you are JUST FINE. I have learnt to be myself and those who want to be my friends, will be my friend.... you can't be EVERYONE's friend so sometimes friendships aren't meant to be. However, value those ones you have because they are true treasures :)