Sunday, September 02, 2012

transition time

My husband and his crew are going climbing tomorrow while I have my last day of summer with the kids.

I'm feeling lots of emotions right now.

I am disappointed with myself.

I always thought I would cherish each moment of every day with each child in their own unique way...but instead, I am desperate for quiet times and try to sneak in a nap once a day, and if I don't, I have a major crash and can't even speak straight.

I am VERY excited for Tuesday when my oldest two kids will be heading back to school full time. One in Grade 1, one in Grade 2. And then, super super excited that my nearly 4-year-old will be in Preschool two mornings a week (she has been the "strong-willed child" but has been showing a sweetness at least 80% of the time lately).

I guess I had envisioned myself as the type of mom who would have an open door for children, and love to host people all the time, and always be ready for a visit, and take the time to have the kids come home for lunch during their school day--I am not that mom.

I am the mom who is anticipating the next week with great joy. I keep singing the tune "Its the most wonderful time of the year" off an old back-to-school commercial when I was younger. I used to balk at THOSE types of parents, wishing the summer away, wanting the kids back in school, being irritated with their kids...

I am crying. This is me. I have had a pretty difficult summer with kids fighting, tiredness, intense anxiety (I still consider that I am in "postpartum depression" I'm just managing it) and financial pressures and watching most others go away for trips and outings while we scrimped and saved to get through the summer. Then to do one budgeted holiday, at the VERY end of the summer, to a lovely town for my cousins wedding. I was SO ready for it. and I had as much fun as I could possibly have until I had to give up my climbing day to bring our youngest daughter to the clinic/pharmacy (which really did go as well as possible and we got some answers and antibiotics to help her get better after the last few doctors did not follow through!!!).

Now, I'm feeling pretty jealous that my husband gets to spend his final day of holidays with his "boys" climbing and having a good time while I get the kids ready for school and try to get them back into schedule. I blame this response on my birth order, I'm the baby, I feel like I'm being a baby--its not fair, blah blah blah.

I want it to be a good day. It will be an okay day, likely. Tonight, I feel like being spontaneous (for tomorrow...) by going up to a nice lake/park to hang out...but really, I need to do laundry and get lunches and backpacks ready.

I read a great statement for me, "Today will not be as good as I hope, but it will be better than I thought." I have a problem thinking melancholic at times (which this blog used to be called "Melancholy baby").

Well, that felt good to get out. and to finally write in my blog since March!!

I restarted Weight Watchers in June (online only) and lost another 10 or 15lbs. Then stopped losing. So I plan to start back up at meetings until I get the last pesky 20ish off!

I feel like I am in transition as a Mom and as a woman. I am not having any more babies. My youngest is now 13.5 months old. He will be walking soon. Talking soon. Toilet learning soon. Terrible Twoing soon...but I will have TWO kids in school full time and ONE in preschool twice a week...I am soooo excited. I keep telling people (who say, "Oh, you'll be so lonesome!") that I am hoping I'll be able to catch my breath! After having terrible Postpartum Depression after the last two babies, always feeling like I'm behind the eight ball, never quite good enough, never as good as I'd like to be as a mom/ many negative thoughts and experiences that I've had to fight through and still try to provide a fairly stable, balanced, good home for my kids and husband.

Now what? What do I want in this life ahead? What kind of mom am I? What do I want to do or be? How do I have fulfillment and provide nurturing to four kids? What goals can I set? Can I follow through? How do I move beyond the chaos and let it remain in the past and pursue peace?

This is my transition. Let's see how it goes.