sensitvity

two things i don't like about pregnancy:
frequent peeing and oversensitivity.

first, i have officially entered the frequent peeing zone...i don't remember it happening until the very end last time, but this time, every time i stand up, i gotta go. we were watching a movie last night and i probably went 5 to 6 times. its ridiculous!

secondly, i'm oversensitive as it is, i don't need anymore!

lately, i keep getting insulted by the reactions of other kids or moms to diedre at playgroup. a little girl said "i don't like her, she bites me." (which diedre has never done, and i'm pretty sure hadn't. i looked for teeth marks). the little girls mom assured me that it is just something her daughter says sometimes, ie. "i dont like her, she has an ugly shirt." or whatever.

or today, diedre made this weird screeching noise, that we affectionately call her pterodactyl sound, or we say she is being a pterodactyl. and another mom said "wow, she is noisy." but it was the first sound she made! other kids are constant noise, diedre just lets out a good prehistoric screech every once in awhile, and she's noisy?! ha

see!?! i'm too sensitive. what does it matter? that mom might've said something without really thinking that it might not be a nice thing to say. i know i've done that hundreds of times. i remember when i was pregnant with diedre i would try to get myself psyched up to be tough and would say i need "rhino skin" all the time (thick skin) and my blogfather said something like, you are just fine the way you are, you don't need to be a rhino. but it is too stressful for me to be so sensitive. i want stuff to roll off my back like water off a duck's back. even if i am at all justified to feel hurt or bothered by the reactions of these other kids or parents, its really not about me or diedre.

i know she is "the best" to me and derek and her grandparents and maybe auntie m (diedre's her only niece) and i know that each parent feels the same about their own kid. i cannot expect any different from other parents, i can only control my own behavior, reactions, words, etc. but it sure is harder when i'm pregnant.

when i was pregnant last time, i felt like i was 14 again (those were the days, eh michelle--) with a hurricane of emotions, a mixture of manipulation, control and bewilderedment--i didn't know why i could be sugary sweet one moment and queen bee...yotch the next. it was a strange strange time, one i was soooo glad to grow out of, and so shocked to find i was emotionally back there somewhat when pregnant!

anyhoo, the second time around its not such a shocker. i know what to do. i know i can pray and ask any of you to, too (please) because i know that God has changed who i am soooooo much and He is my only hope!

oh, good news! i felt my baby kick on friday night! it was very fluttery and went on for a minute or two. no denying. its just the beginning, those special kicks that only i can feel. i'm feeling so tired these days, i'm a little scared of what it will be like to have two kids, but i'm getting so excited to meet this little one. i know diedre will be a fun big sister. she is such a special kid to us and is learning so much all the time.

end post

new entry

ha ha, i wonder how long it will take before this title is inappropriate!

anyway, i've been getting a few comments requesting that i post here. i know you check my other blog with all the cute pictures, but i guess you're yearning for my inner thoughts :)

so, i'm 15 weeks pregnant. its been a tougher pregnancy so far than diedre's was. i am more sick and having way more food aversions (who thought cheese and crackers would turn my stomach!). anyway, i'm coping pretty well but haven't put on any "new" weight for this one yet (which is ok with me & the dr. because i still have some leftovers from diedre's pregnancy).

lately, i've been dealing with the beginnings of discipline. its really tricky with such a young kid. i am not prepared to spank yet (as i don't believe she would "get it") so so far she gets a firm warning, maybe a hand tap (if its dangerous: playing with electrical cords or outlets), and usually some time alone (as in one minute or so...really just removing her from the situation).

i stopped nursing about one month ago now. it was a very emotional time for me. i went back on it one day because i missed it and then i just tried to keep diedre away from me during her "nursing" times. she never seemed to miss it, until she got sick, but she didn't persist.

i've been making some friends here in town. its going much better now that i have decided to just take it slow and be "ok" with acquaintances. there is one girl who is so much like me in her honesty and way of asking questions. so we get into some very deep and personal stuff. its interesting because i need to be careful i don't violate myself by disclosing more than i should with someone i've only known for two months. but i can totally see me in her, when she asks some personal probing questions; i remember doing that alot. now, i think i hold back on what i ask people because i know that some people do not have strong enough boundaries to decide if something is too personal or not. so i try to respect where the person is coming from with how i ask questions, to protect them in a way.

i often say "i'm trying to make a life for myself here" in our new town. i think it is really important to be committed to where you are. i remember when i first moved to whistler, when derek and i were dating, i would always talk about my White Rock friends or go down to visit every second week. then one day the pastor said to me "are you going to be here or are you going to be there?" he was trying to encourage me to put my energy into our new life, not trying to keep one foot in the new and one foot in the old.

its hard when you leave your best friends for a new life. its so easy to idealize what you had, but when you return, its never the same. and good, because i changed so much in the 2.5 years i was living in whistler. and now we have been separated from some of our closest friends again (except for one couple that lives here too) but of course, its different, we are all older and have kids now and we don't hang out 5 nights a week anymore.

i really like this stage of life. i love building a family with derek. i love planning our next project on the house (usually out of necessity: laundry area, bathroom; or free stuff: hardwood floors). i really feel like we've made a nice home together, now i just need to get organized and keep it cleaner! its clean enough for me and diedre, but if someone was to "drop by" (no one ever has yet) i would be a little embarassed.

i love watching diedre grow and having "the lights turn on" when she learns something new. its so amazing to me. here are a few examples:

1. we were driving and i hear her yell "a truck" (first time) and i look beside me and there is a big truck. (she yells "a" before most things: "a ball" "a dad" "a kitty" "a doll")
2. i gave her a snack and sat her on her new chair at her little table. later i used the same dish to put dinner in, and i look over and she has sat herself down on the chair (first time) all ready to eat. so cute!
3. after months of us spoon feeding her, derek gave her a spoon and she totally fed herself. awhile back we would try to let her feed herself and it was way to messy.
4. just today, at our parents group, diedre was sitting and eating snack. i put her water cup (no lid) out of her reach (so i thought) and went to get more snack. when i got back she had the cup and there was a little spill on the table. i felt her shirt and it was dry. the other parents told me she drank from the cup by herself. so i let her try again and she took several drinks perfectly! i was so impressed.

this might seem really weird to any of you without kids, but its these little things that we can all do, that i get so thrilled about watching her learn. its also exciting because we taught her how!

ok, i hope that does it friends :) thanks for caring about me

xo ciao