Saturday, October 24, 2009

more than a feeling

if i may say so myself, i'm very much off the wagon...i have not been following my weight watcher plan. i'm so sad to see my entry from Aug 28 where i was excited and getting sooo close to goal.

from there, i battled with myself over whether or not to go on medication for depression. i decided to put my focus onto my health and not use any mental or emotional energy on my weight loss. it felt great to lose weight and approach my goal, but i had a few strange physical responses: like losing energy all of a sudden (felt like a huge dip in blood sugar levels or something) and also a few episodes of rage, for no good reason, which made me head back to my counselor to see what his insight might be.

it was definitely circumstantial. since december last year, we'd been living in a 2 bedroom suite with a very small living area and kitchen. i felt crammed into this space with 3 kids and pets (2 litters of kittens!) and the absence of my husband for the most part. derek was working on renovating our upstairs (entirely) which was not planned out, grew and grew and grew, and consumed time and money that we couldnt afford to spend. in addition to the renovation process, he also worked a full time job, and did side-jobs as needed to help fund the renovation and our living expenses since we were no longer getting any rental income. phew. and of course, i was recovering from a very painful pregnancy with complications to my body afterwards causing pain and not allowing me to really help much--plus i had to watch 3 kids.

this was not a good place to be in. i felt pretty powerless. i sunk into depression twice earlier this year where i felt like i was literally in a cloud and completely functioning emotionless. i could not smile at my kids. i didnt want to socialize. i just did the bare minimum. it was not a good life for me. these episodes lasted about two weeks thankfully.

this time, it felt different. it was more anger based. i think related to feeling powerless. i had been pretty clear about the help i needed and the support i wanted and it was still up to me to be strong, take care of my responsibilities and hire help as needed. i feel the burden of financial stress too. i do not contribute funds to this life we have. its hard to be in that position. i cant throw money at the problem. i just get to spend money. it was making me feel like a leech. and the stress of letting down my already overburdened husband, was discouraging. he was trying to be as supportive as he could be, but the damage was already done. it was not making me a good mother. i was constantly feeling annoyed with the children and wanting to escape. i wanted to enjoy them. to be happy. to feel good.

now, several months later, i feel okay again. i have continued with counseling. i have had several meetings with my doctor regarding medication and have recently decided that i will not be going on anything at this point. i looked at my life, and tried to find any external responsibilities that i had committed to that were outside of my mothering responsibilities. i decided to strip away anything external and see how things went from there. i guess i had a few things going on, where i was a bit of a go-to person, so i gladly gave them up. they were honestly not a burden at the time, but at this point, i was feeling alot of anxiety and stress at the thought of doing anything other than being a mom/wife.

when i think of it now, i realize that i was doing the same things i would do when i had one child, then two, then three...all of a sudden, it caught up to me and i could not be the mother i wanted to be with these other responsibilities weighing on me.

of course, being the self-analyzer that i am, this has spun me into deeper consideration that is very age/stage appropriate for me: what do i want? what kind of a woman do i want to be? what kind of a mother am i striving to be? where should my energies be focused? how can i be a better wife?

i had a thought a few weeks ago, about how when i was younger, i would look at someone in their mid-thirties and think they seemed so frazzled and strange and i could not relate to them--all of a sudden--thats me! i figure people probably saw me as such. same with the frumpy body and lack of style and taking time to look again...although, i do try to look good when i'm feeling okay!

its been quite the time of discovery, but MAN am i ever glad to be feeling better now. i am enjoying spending time with my kids, focusing on them, meeting their needs emotionally and giving them the attention they need. i was really noticing how my eldest was often asking if we loved her (even tho we say it all the time) and it would be so easy to just snap and say "of course we love you, we say it all the time!" but now i can give her a nice cuddle and tell her why i love her, assure her. and my son, is transitioning from baby to little man, and he needs time to be a baby and times to be brave. i'm so glad i was able to see that, and not just push him to grow up, get over it, as i often felt like doing. i do not handle other peoples emotions well. its something i want to improve on. i want to let them feel, not push them to move on too quickly (and thats not whining, but genuine emotions that they need to learn to work thru, not just be brushed aside).

i'm thankful to God for bringing me through this and curious to see where things go from here.

1 comment:

mellenger said...

glad you are feeling better amanda! love you.