Wednesday, January 21, 2009

why me?

okay, feeling melancholic.

so, i've had a really good week as far as counting points and fitting in a bit of fitness most days. today was a bit of a write-off for points because i had this moms group where there's just a bunch of food. i tried to make wise choices, but i did throw in a bit of almond rocha...

anyway, my "why me?" is about me being such a sensitive person. i HAAAAAATE it. i dont want to be insecure or petty or whatever, but i CANNOT help it. i have thoughts and trains of thought that when i say it out loud to someone who is NOT sensitive (ie. bounce an idea off a friend) they say things like "i dont think anyone would think like that." but obviously i do, so some people must that being written, i am extra conscious of others because i wouldnt want them to be offended, like i might be, but most likely, they would not be.

is there anyway to UNLEARN this annoying personality trait? i so, do not want to pass it onto my kids!

i've lived in this new town for 3 years and had one round of disappointment when after 2 years i found out that only one of the several friends i had made actually liked me, while the others just talked about me behind my back, were nice to my face, and then excluded me from gatherings.

i'm very cautious when making friends now. i'm scared i'll do something to turn them off. so i really take it slow, which works for me since my life is full of children. but gosh, i wish i could just get all this stuff off my back so i can just be free to be me. i think i'm awesome (other than that annoying sensitveness), but i dont know how to let go of those hurts and finding out that i was oblivious to people not liking me.

i often think of a quote my mom wrote in this book she made for me where she commented that her mother always wanted everyone to like her. i'm sure i'm the same way. my mom says that this sensitivity is not from her, that she's not like that, so then i'm at a loss. not that knowing where it came from would help, i really just want to know how to not be that way.

any advice?


ramblin'andie said...

Wow, obviously it's been a while since I've checked your blog! First off, congratulations on getting back on the fitness wagon. I think you do an awesome job of incorporating an active lifestyle into your entire family's way of life. Kudos to you!

Second of all, I don't get what's with the women in your town. I know I didn't know you very well when we worked together, but I never got the impression that I wouldn't like you if we were to spend more time together. I have very low social needs, but it would still hurt to think/know that people didn't like me. All I can say is I'll be praying that God brings other women across your path - preferably some that you can form strong relationships with!

amanda salmon said...

thanks andie

i do have other women i'm becoming friends with thankfully. i just have to stop with these negative thoughts.