thoroughly annoyed with...

me.

so i'm usually my biggest fan, but lately i'm feeling a little fed up.

see, i really want to lose eight to ten more pounds. i have a "free" weight watchers membership but i was busy on several thursdays in a row and was not able to attend the meetings. for me, i definitely need accountability to stick with things or competition...and i am receiving neither (derek refuses to try to lose weight with me ha ha).

i know that the program can work for me. it has in the past. this round, i was able to lose 20lbs but at this point some of that has crept back on. i'm still in a safe zone, but i can see how it is slowly creeping back to where i dont want it to be.

i feel like if i was to be paying for this program, maybe i would take it more seriously, but then on the other hand, if there is a box of cookies in the house, i can easily eat 4 a day which is close to 20 points (i get 32 points a day, so that doesnt leave me with too many to eat actual good food with) with guilt after each cookie.

its difficult for me, knowing that it worked before, and recently, to keep willing myself to make it work now. i just really want the cookies, or chips or whatever. i can make some good choices in a day, and then i bail on that plan. argh. i'm not used to having such little self control.

my excuses are:
i'm tired/haven't slept through the night in 10 months at least, if not 3 years.
i've got two kids to watch.
i'm busy. i havent made time to exercise lately because i'm working on other things, like napping routines (and stroller rides to the park usually equal napping in the stroller for ezekiel). its been raining alot.
i'm in a sit up comptetition so that's some exercise even though its not helping with weight loss or my clothes fitting better because i eat more cookies.
i'm a horrible person who cant stick to anything even when i know it could totally work.
counting points gets tiresome; doing the Core plan means you have to count points for things that arent on the plan, like breads, cookies, etc.
i just dont want to.
even though i'm mostly happy, i get lonely, bored and a little depressed and when i'm annoyed that the kids dont go to bed, i eat. then when they actually go to bed, i eat more.
i look fine. i'm a fine weight. i'm definitely not obese, i just kinda want my clothes to fit better.

some possible solutions would be:
if i took all the money i spend on snacks and cookies and used it to pay the $4 for childcare at the gym, i could get a good workout.
forget about it. just eat and eat and eat until i gain back the 40lbs i lost and then i'll really want to do something about it.
go to the meetings regularly, no matter what; make a date for myself every week and just do it. it is a support group for weight loss after all.
setting a goal (oh wait, i tried that, 2 lbs a week for 4 weeks, that was 2 weeks ago and i've lost less than a pound so far).

that's it.