Sunday, June 13, 2010

if all was stripped away

I keep having these strange thoughts:
If everything was stripped away, no more hustle bustle, no more cars driving too fast to pass me just so we can all stop at the next stoplight. All these goals, that we put on ourselves that are just culturally influenced ideals, might be worth reconsidering as they are quite likely not goals of any eternal significance.

If there was no rushing. No stressing over how I look or how I feel or how much my shoulders or foot hurt, what would I be filling my mind with?

I keep seeing things in my life that are so obviously the result from thoughts of low self-worth I've had from the past. Not necessarily the way I think about myself now. Like wanting people to think I'm smart even though I didn't go to college after my first year. I didn't flunk out. i had good grades. I just stopped going and decided I'd go with the "school of life" instead of actual professional training. And it was a great deal because of a boy. And then my mother offered to pay for me to go to university but because of the budding romance with my husband-to-be, I also passed on that one.

Being someone who had good grades, has just made me someone who "gets" things quickly, understands the way to play a new complicated board game (as some friends of mine kept remarking--"you really DO get it. that was fast") or makes me an overachiever as a mother. I am a woman who really wants to do the best all the time (but I give myself alot of slack, as in, I have lots of downtime for the kids so they are interacting with each other or spending time doing their own thing...some days I remember I "should" read to them, so I do, other days I don't). I talk to my kids ALOT. we talk about everything. any little question they have, anything we see in the world that looks interesting or might teach them about our life's purpose and meaning, we talk about. at 3 and 5 years old, we have so many fascinating discussions that remind me how amazingly intelligent and perceptive children are. taking time to slow my life down has absolutely given me a window into the mind of the child. and there are so many truths about God that have come from seeing a pure and innocent observation of the world and of the Creator. i am doing exactly what I should be doing.

i have also developed what i now label as being a "promoter" of things. anything i like, i promote. it was fun for me to promote various community things like moms groups or Bible studies or play centers or toys or the best deal at wherever. i cannot seem to help it, i just have to spread the word if i like something. i don't make any money doing that, i just do it.

if i had no car, and there were no paved roads, and we lived on acreage with neighbours far off, i would probably be the promoter of the local church, and teach kids Sunday school and promote God and the Bible and talk about the greatest jelly recipe ever with other moms.

i guess, in a way, in my attempt to simplify my life, i don't go to all the things i used to go to. I'm slower to jump on a bandwagon. I'm a little more careful to promote or offer help with the church website or programs unless i can still be a good mom by saving my energy for them and not using it all trying to do computer work.

living more simply has been such a great decision for me. even fitting in exercise as a fundamental part of my day, is teaching me that having a fresh mind from exercising, and a strong heart and being able to experience moments with a slightly fitter body (playing soccer, or running along while Ezekiel bikes, running up and down the stairs to get something) is part of who I am and want to be. and that who I am and want to continue to be is important to me and to my children.

I am also trying to experience moments. good or bad. and not run to food for comfort. this is a lesson i am only beginning. and i can see how intertwined my body, eating and emotions are. also, being mindful of the present situation is helpful, it reminds me to rely on God for dealing with my anger and for not yelling. i had 3 weeks where i felt i had conquered yelling, but when I stop praying about it, it comes right back. it is the way our family has learned to communicate and it is not okay. I am working on putting an end to it. "We don't yell in this family." Working on it!

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