trying too hard

I love many things about my life. I am uncomfortable with my feelings about several others things in my life. I think I am lazy. I feel like my life is too hard sometimes. Its too hard to keep the house clean to the standard that would give me peace. I desire a simplistic life but it will take so much work to get there. I am buried under the weight of responsibility. I pretty much hate certain parts of my "job"...because I feel like a perpetual failure. I think I am responsible for teaching my kids to clean up after themselves and treat one another kindly--that job description brings a huge amount of stress into my life. Is there an alternative? I don't see one. 

I have been struggling with postpartum depression and possible regular ol' situational depression for at least 7 years. Thats a long time to feel like i'm in a perpetual state of trying to feel normal and sometimes achieving it, often not...it gets pretty old, pretty quickly and thats part of the problem. I am always trying so hard to just feel okay. I need renewal, I need long periods of rest and I do not get that. And for those who struggle with depression, even the breaks you get sometimes don't help and just make you feel more guilty that they didn't work!

7 years. Maybe this is the year to have a clean slate? 7 years is often the cycle in the Bible where debts are forgiven, fields are left to furlough, things get a rest. I had an amazing time this morning of feeling really run down and then realizing God was encouraging me to let go. That He is meant to be my strength, that my Hope is in Him only, that my focus is not meant to be on me and my life but on Him. These things are not easy to do. I could feel myself letting go, little by little, trying to give it away completely. I thought of "I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my pain, I'm laying them down for the Joy of the Lord" and thought how I really do hold on to my sorrows, I hold on to my pain. I want to lay them down. Why would I want to hold on to those things?? 

I also had the thought that its time for a new beginning--we are at a new church and I'm ready to let go of the pain from leaving our beloved church family for a new place. Establishing new relationships or growing some friendships and learning a new system of how things are done there. This lovely couple prayed for me and it was something I've been wanting for years--I was crying and trembling a bit, the tears were dripping down my face and off my cheeks or chin, then I really felt this calm, some hope, maybe some deliverance, and then I felt okay. I didn't feel all worn out the way I normally would when I cry or have some unresolved emotions. It felt resolved. 

Now, 7 hours later, I am home alone with kids. I was doing well for the first 3 hours, working on the house, cleaning, good energy level and then now, getting tired again. Getting sick of all the kid arguments, whining, the usual annoying stuff that happens when we are alone together. 

I can tell I am getting very frustrated now, probably partially from trying to focus on writing this and partly because I have been on my own doing something "good" that also requires a lot of energy and parenting. So now I'm going to do something that is good for my mental wellness and attempt to go for our first family bike ride in our neighbourhood. My youngest (age 4) just learned to ride without training wheels while we were away last week so that has allowed for the possibility of biking in our hilly town.

wasting my life

So, I've recently discovered or decided that I am wasting my life. I spend so much time watching shows (mostly on Netflix) and they are interesting. Some are challenging. Some are just fluff, to pass the time. I am alone in the evening often (with kids in bed) and so the only thing I feel like doing after having an exhausting time putting them to bed, multiple times, is to relax and watch a few shows.

I keep getting slivers of inspiration--to write (like this) or to sew (which could be a source of income or just repairing a few items that have been sitting around for months waiting for me to sew them) or to play music (guitar--I learned the basics years and years ago and then never had that obsession that causes some people to play for hours and hours into and through the night to the point where they become an expert). Watching a show is so much easier. I am wasting away, being a bad example for my kids and fuelling my fire of fatigue and laziness and depression. Its a very big fire.