Tuesday, December 20, 2005

changes from high school til now

well michelle posed a fine question in the comments section that i might as well blog about a bit.

i think i have changed alot since high school. i think i am more confident, more considerate, more grounded and less naive. well i should hope so on those last three. i am embarrassed to think that people who knew me in high school or college would think that i am still the same. i guess my melancholy side remembers all the mistakes i made back then. too pious, too judgmental, too sheltered, mean, extremely dysfunctional relationships (especially with michelle and a few friends from college), i better stop before i get too depressed :S of course people who knew me on the surface probably had a better impression of me than those close by (unfortunately).

i used to think that people who were sheltered were lame...until i became a mother. why wouldn't i want diedre to be naive about the things of the world. i don't want her to be socially lame but i would love for her to be naive about many things like drugs and alcohol and unhealthy relationships. one thing (of many) that i always appreciated from my mom was her openness with us about her past and mistakes and such. i am glad we have awhile before diedre will be ready to talk about my past and my mistakes! i'm not so sure how to handle sharing those with her. i just hope we can communicate that God's way is best, that He cares so much for her and sets up boundaries for protection and that there is great freedom within those boundaries. we're still learning that too.

its kind of weird how making mistakes was one of the best things to happen to me so that i could become less judgmental. "i am not perfect so why expect others to be." i still believe there is a standard that a Christian should live up to and if they say they are then there should be some evidence. but that's more of an entry point to talk to them about their struggles, rather than a point to write someone off. i totally regret all the mistakes i have made. i wish i had been and wish that i could be perfect, but if no one is perfect, its best that i'm am not either...

life is really different now being a mom. i have gone through times before diedre where i would take time every day to pray and read the Bible but now that she's here, i know i have the time, but i just so don't do it. i don't really have a good excuse, but i know God knows my heart and that we still have a relationship. growing up, i always thought you had to do everything perfectly to really know and please God, but now i know that being willing and available is good too.

oh ya, another big change has been with honesty. i have been told that i am "one of the most honest people i've ever met" from several people throughout my life. my brother was the same. so was mom. i guess we got it from her. i came to learn that in the transfer of knowledge regarding honesty, i did not receive the concept of "a filter" until much much later. it was when i was 24, i remember learning that you can be honest but you don't need to tell everyone, everything about you. much of this learning was because poor derek spoke to me about it, the victim of my brutal honesty. it was embarrassing in group situations, mostly because it was inappropriate or just "too much information." a friend of mine suggested i learn "responsible honesty." i did, i hope to some degree. the brutal honesty still pops up here and there (like when i was pregnant, overtired, cranky, too giddy, etc.) but i would say that is a MAJOR change to who i am. tact, i have developed some tact :D

another thing that changed would be healing. i had alot of hurts from a young age. i think going to counselling and such really helped but it really wasn't until college that i could look back on my life previous and really take note. i was shocked, angry and hurt. college was a bad year socially. i was a real mess trying to figure things out. like i said earlier, it is with great embarrassment that i think back to anyone who knew me then. it was a strange strange time for me. i only went for one year then i headed to BC to live with my brother. that was the first time i really experienced total freedom and when i really started making some wrong turns for the first time in my overly pious life. thankfully, i was well rooted in my faith and although i wandered for awhile, i did return and get things sorted out with God. and have remained committed to God and my faith since. i have had alot of healing and the bitterness i used to feel is mostly gone. it has been awesome having such a loving man in my life (derek) who says what i need to hear, like leave the past in the past, just like i don't want people to remember me like i was back then, i need to do the same. people change. i know i did.

i better stop on that good note.


1 comment:

Michelle said...

very interesting to see the differences when i didn't get to see that in between part ;) i agree though, in high school i was too pious, too judgemental, etc too.

i'm sure that whenever diedre wants to talk about your past, you'll be ready to give her the info she needs.. just make it small amounts, at age appropriate levels.. when she gets to be a teenager, you can go into more detail about what you did, and why, and why you think you made wrong choices. hopefully she will get to learn from your past! i doubt she'll be asking any day soon though ;)