the obituary

When October 2019 hit, my Father's health was in obvious decline. He had palliative nurse-at-home visits and I was able to attend most of them. The nurses were very compassionate, they encouraged him to partake in comfort measures for the time being and to take the steroid that had been prescribed (that Poppa was uncomfortable committing to). They also asked for him to take this heavy duty pain med (although he had not complained of pain really for the last month--which we accepted as a miracle considering his cancer location). He clearly told them he did not want to take it because it was too strong and he was sensitive to medications and that particular one had caused violent dreams and essentially throwing himself out of bed into the wall.

The nurses planned to see him on Monday and then check in or come visit him also on Friday. It irritated both of us that they would repeat the same questions from the previous visit, as if they hadn't read the file notes. Anyway, he repeated that he did not want the pain med again but by this time he had tried the steroid for several days and had enjoyed feeling a bit more peppy and was making some plans to take a ferry ride with all of us. He was slightly perked up and happily eating for about 3 days. But then, by Friday's meeting with the nurse, he was very tired, almost dozing off during the meeting. He went right to bed and I went out to buy myself some of the best fish and chips in White Rock, and he requested gravy with fries. When I returned to his condo, he was completely asleep so i didn't know what to do--wake him and he'd be upset to be woken, or save the food in the oven and it might be too cold to enjoy when he woke. I decided to wait. He woke up when I only had about ten minutes before I needed to leave to go get kids from school. He was disappointed the food was not hot, but ate a piece of fish and seemed to enjoy it. That was his last time eating solid food. The weekend resulted in more decline. He barely ate, other than some delicious soup from my sister in law. He was preparing to wean himself off of the steroid because of a misunderstanding.

Monday October 7th was another visit from a nurse and she did not rebook. I found that odd to just leave him as is so I called and requested that they would now come daily to see him as he seemed weaker and weaker and wasn't having any appetite. He was not taking his pills and was very tired.

On Tuesday, October 8th my four kids and husband all came out to see my Dad. I told them this might be the last time. He smiled so big having them there. He was happy to hold their hands and get a hug. We watched a gold mining tv show together during our visit. Heres a nice pic from healthier times:

I was scheduled to work on Thursday October 10th but was really torn. It was a beautiful sunny day and I just wanted to be with my Dad and take him out in the sun. I didn't know there were any issues specifically, but just that the nurse had helped him fill out forms for Hospice the day before. I mentioned to my supervisor that things were going pretty downhill for my Dad and she said "Are you sure you should be here? You don't have to be. If you need to go, just tell me." I felt sick to my stomach for the next hour and just kept thinking over and over "No, I don't want to be here. If I don't have to be, I should probably leave. I want to be with my Dad."

I worked for one hour and then left. I called my brother and found out that they were told by the nurse who came to see him that day to take him to Hospice now. I didn't quite know what to do or where to go because I live one hour from my Dad's home and one hour from the Hospice. I went home and rested for a bit waiting to hear what to do from my brother. Finally, I decided to head to my Dad's home. I arrived just after the ambulance had arrived. Met up with my Brother and step Sister and step Mom. Got the low down. My brother and I headed to Hospice together to help settle Poppa in while he took the ambulance.

My Dad could still get up and stand. He was communicating. We joked a little together. My brother and I left when we felt that we had done all we could to get him settled. We had no idea how long he would stay at Hospice and kept getting answers like "it could be 3 hours, it could be weeks, likely not months. The average stay is 19 days in BC Hospices."

Poppa said goodbye, gave us hugs and smiled as we left him. So we went home, not knowing what the next days would hold.

Early on October 11th, our step Mother's birthday, she got a call to come in because my Father's breathing had changed. I waited a few moments and then decided that my kids and husband and I would all go and plan to spend the day at Hospice, to be with my Dad and my brother's family.

We ate a good breakfast, got coffee, and headed there with snacks and drinks. Each child brought a book or two because we figured it would be a quiet place to spend the day. The hospice was beautiful and inviting and had lounge areas and a huge outdoor courtyard. Upon arriving, my Dad, no longer speaking, made an audible expression that he knew I was there now.

We held his hand. Each child spoke to him and gave him a hugs. We spent some time singing Hymns that my step Mom would request. It was a good family time. My husband and kids were amazing that day, kind and cooperative and very supportive.

Around 3pm, I felt really restless. I just wanted to leave and have a break from being around all of this. I prayed and asked God to help me with a decision because I felt like I was being rebellious or selfish in the moment. I decided that I should stay the night. The previous night, i left thinking that he was so close to death, and if it were to happen, I was ready for that. Today, my heart softened to a place of caring for him. I wanted to provide any comfort or support he might need. I took Derek aside and said I needed to talk about something. Derek said, "I've been thinking: what if when someone is dying, and alone they feel sad or lonely; and what if when someone is not alone, they feel comforted or loved in those last moments. I think you should stay with him." So we were on the same page and  I decided to stay.

My step Mom left to go home around this time and my Brother stayed til around 5pm. Our family stayed until 6pm and when the kids each said goodbye and announced that they were going home, he changed his breathing to where it almost sounded like crying. And then I was alone with my Dad.

Sometimes he would reach up his arms and so I'd talk to him and hold his hand and settle his arm back down. My brother and sister in law returned to visit around 7pm. We chatted together and stopped for silence whenever his breathing would have a long break.

I had a private moment with my Dad moments before he took his last breath, and it was very special and I'm glad I decided to be with him til the end. He passed away at 8:45pm on his dear wife's birthday, on October 11 2019. I was so grateful to Jesus that this struggle was over for him. Peace.

https://www.peacearchnews.com/obituaries/paul-anthony-mellenger/

MELLENGER, Paul Anthony

Gone to be with His Lord and Savior on Friday, October 11, 2019 at age 73. Paul was born in Saint John, New Brunswick on August 7, 1946. He was the third of five boys. When Paul was 16 the family moved from New Brunswick to White Rock, BC. 

Paul was an intelligent pursuer of skills and knowledge and could discuss any topic at length! Many appreciated that he always had a unique and thoughtful perspective to share.

He loved his time as a logger in the Queen Charlottes and had many stories from that time. He was a very skilled craftsman who took his love of logging to the art of fine woodworking, where he created many practical and creative pieces for his home and clients. He enjoyed renovating houses, and later in life with his wife Diane was able to build many wonderful homes throughout BC.

As an outdoorsman, he loved hunting, fishing, and horses, and enjoyed sharing these hobbies with others. He would always tune into the Calgary Stampede or attend the Cloverdale Rodeo. He had an extensive knowledge of Rodeo and enjoyed following the careers of many of the key players. 

Paul was very friendly and outgoing and could find something in common with everyone. After committing his life to the Lord in 1982, he enjoyed fellowship at various Brethren assemblies throughout BC. He was a gifted Bible teacher and we wish we could have heard more from him before his quick decline in health. He found great comfort knowing that his children and grandchildren have chosen to follow the Lord and serve in their home churches. Paul was peaceful and confident in the end, knowing the Hope of his salvation and recognized that he would soon be with the Lord. 

Paul is survived by his faithful wife of 33 years, Diane (née Scott); by brother Richard (Beverly), sisters-in-law Marie, Charlotte and Deb, children Andrew (Heather) Mellenger, Amanda (Derek) Salmon, stepdaughters Melinda (George) Burns, Delena (Russ) Angrignon, and grandchildren Miles, Diedre, Ezekiel, Poppy, Audrey and Bennett. Predeceased by Parents Emma (née Michaelsen) and Alexander Mellenger, Brothers Claude, Alexander and Michael.

A memorial service is planned for 11am, Saturday, October 26, 2019 at Langley Christian Assembly, 4775 - 221st Street, Langley, BC.