i have a voice

 Along with having many many ideas that never come to fruition, likely because of my energy levels, I have things to say, that I do not get around to saying.

Today's sermon was super inspiring by a young lady (I am still surprised she is only 20!) who has recently become the leader of our church's youth ministry. 

Hannah Lambert's message on June 13 2021 for Parkside Church

Like Hannah, I have had some life experiences and fears that have been influenced or instigated by the enemy, and I have let them settle in as part of my life.

I realize now that I have had anxiety in my life since I was a child. I never acknowledged it as such. I like to tell funny and dramatic stories to illustrate a point but I never quite connected that with anxiety! I knew early on in my marriage that I had a problem with "not being allowed to nap." I would have an energy crash, and a quick 10-20 minute nap would perk me back up to be ready for life again. As new parents, my young husband would want to chat with me or ask me something, so would accidentally interrupt me when I was trying to nap. It would turn into a fight as I tried to argue for my right to nap and he was probably shocked that I was mad about him talking to me when from his perspective it was an accident. Of course, our bickering ruined my chances of sleeping and the anger welling up inside me was an unreasonable amount for the 'crime' committed. 

I recently learned how that is part of an unhealthy or insecure attachment response. It triggered the memory "feelings" from a time when I felt like I had no control over my own life or space around me.

All that to say, the enemy has used that painful experience, to take a root in my personality and in my fear that no one cares enough to take care of me (not true) and that I have to fight for my rights or needs or they will be overlooked (also not true). I have a wonderful husband who sees me and supports me, and yes, does things at times that I have interpreted as not caring, but is an honest mistake. I have loving parents that went through their own difficulties and my mother's love healed me in so many ways and her legacy of following Jesus directly impacts my commitment to God to this day.

Having Jesus in my life from a young age (6) has given me a strength of character and a will to live a good, fruitful, and inspired life. Jesus says I have been called by name, Amanda, His child, "worthy of love." Being a child of God, sounds so strange or unreal, but the Creator of all things, made people and desires to bring them into a loving, healthy relationship with Himself. There is no point trying to be in control of my life now, that is an illusion, God is in control of my life because I want Him to be. Living my life in God's favour is the best! Knowing He cares for me, has a plan for my life, has a purpose for my personality, skills, gifts and even pain and past experiences is very liberating. All the junk, the good and the bad, that the enemy meant for harm, is meant for good in my life and with the people I interact with.