changes from high school til now

well michelle posed a fine question in the comments section that i might as well blog about a bit.

i think i have changed alot since high school. i think i am more confident, more considerate, more grounded and less naive. well i should hope so on those last three. i am embarrassed to think that people who knew me in high school or college would think that i am still the same. i guess my melancholy side remembers all the mistakes i made back then. too pious, too judgmental, too sheltered, mean, extremely dysfunctional relationships (especially with michelle and a few friends from college), i better stop before i get too depressed :S of course people who knew me on the surface probably had a better impression of me than those close by (unfortunately).

i used to think that people who were sheltered were lame...until i became a mother. why wouldn't i want diedre to be naive about the things of the world. i don't want her to be socially lame but i would love for her to be naive about many things like drugs and alcohol and unhealthy relationships. one thing (of many) that i always appreciated from my mom was her openness with us about her past and mistakes and such. i am glad we have awhile before diedre will be ready to talk about my past and my mistakes! i'm not so sure how to handle sharing those with her. i just hope we can communicate that God's way is best, that He cares so much for her and sets up boundaries for protection and that there is great freedom within those boundaries. we're still learning that too.

its kind of weird how making mistakes was one of the best things to happen to me so that i could become less judgmental. "i am not perfect so why expect others to be." i still believe there is a standard that a Christian should live up to and if they say they are then there should be some evidence. but that's more of an entry point to talk to them about their struggles, rather than a point to write someone off. i totally regret all the mistakes i have made. i wish i had been and wish that i could be perfect, but if no one is perfect, its best that i'm am not either...

life is really different now being a mom. i have gone through times before diedre where i would take time every day to pray and read the Bible but now that she's here, i know i have the time, but i just so don't do it. i don't really have a good excuse, but i know God knows my heart and that we still have a relationship. growing up, i always thought you had to do everything perfectly to really know and please God, but now i know that being willing and available is good too.

oh ya, another big change has been with honesty. i have been told that i am "one of the most honest people i've ever met" from several people throughout my life. my brother was the same. so was mom. i guess we got it from her. i came to learn that in the transfer of knowledge regarding honesty, i did not receive the concept of "a filter" until much much later. it was when i was 24, i remember learning that you can be honest but you don't need to tell everyone, everything about you. much of this learning was because poor derek spoke to me about it, the victim of my brutal honesty. it was embarrassing in group situations, mostly because it was inappropriate or just "too much information." a friend of mine suggested i learn "responsible honesty." i did, i hope to some degree. the brutal honesty still pops up here and there (like when i was pregnant, overtired, cranky, too giddy, etc.) but i would say that is a MAJOR change to who i am. tact, i have developed some tact :D

another thing that changed would be healing. i had alot of hurts from a young age. i think going to counselling and such really helped but it really wasn't until college that i could look back on my life previous and really take note. i was shocked, angry and hurt. college was a bad year socially. i was a real mess trying to figure things out. like i said earlier, it is with great embarrassment that i think back to anyone who knew me then. it was a strange strange time for me. i only went for one year then i headed to BC to live with my brother. that was the first time i really experienced total freedom and when i really started making some wrong turns for the first time in my overly pious life. thankfully, i was well rooted in my faith and although i wandered for awhile, i did return and get things sorted out with God. and have remained committed to God and my faith since. i have had alot of healing and the bitterness i used to feel is mostly gone. it has been awesome having such a loving man in my life (derek) who says what i need to hear, like leave the past in the past, just like i don't want people to remember me like i was back then, i need to do the same. people change. i know i did.

i better stop on that good note.

ciao

been a long time

i bet that is one of the most common blog titles, or one of many along that line. i have been blogging about once a week on the salmon speaks but neglecting this one. i've decided that i want to try to write a little more content on both blogs for several reasons:

1. i'm quickly forgetting how to type...its been many a day since i could type 70 wpm!
2. there's more to me than just a snappy photo clicker...i'd like to share a bit of info about me and the family even though a good photo blog says alot too.
3. i'm losing my grasp on the written word too. spelling, grammar, sentence structure, thought process, eep, those are all severely lacking. i think i'm good at the spelling but all the rest are scary. even writing that sentence took several re-do's and ok, i'm just going to abandon ship on that one now. l8r
4. i dont want to lose who i am. i know i've changed sooo much in the past 9.5 months from being diedre's mother. i know i was really different when pregnant at times. i just want to use this blog as a chance to "discover" the new me, or get comfortable with me. i think people can relate to that. wow, so many changes can come during this one amazing, growing, challenging, discovering year. God bless the child. i love her sooo much.

random things

tagged by michelle

Ten Random Things About Me:
1. i have never broken a bone in my body.
2. i saw my kneecap (it was very pearly white) when i was 16 and skinned my knee down to the bone.
3. i went through a short punk phase where i'd wear my hair in these weird nubby rolls all over my head.
4. i only started snowboarding so i could get to know this guy i had a crush on in grade 10 (and also to make andrew happy).
5. people always tell me i'm 5'9" even though i'm 5'6.5" (people have argued with me about it, and we take out the measuring tape...and i'm still only 5'6.5").
6. i was never afraid to tell people how much i weighed because they would often think i was 20 lbs lighter than i actually was.
7. i used to be really good at math until grade 11 when a bad/mean teacher told me i was stupid and shouldn't be in the contest math class.
8. i like my natural haircolor.
9. i didn't learn to tell time until grade 5 or 6 (i just didn't want to know...i didn't care).
10. i went to the national level for public speaking in French, in grade 7. le concours d'art oratoire (i still have the t shirt).

Nine Places I've Visited:
1. Ottawa, ON
2. Peterborough, ON
3. Toronto, ON
4. Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
5. Reno, NV
6. Penticton, BC
7. Seattle, WA
8. Smith Rock, OR
9. Silicon Valley, CA

Eight Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. see mike knott in concert!
2. Get a Bachelor's Degree
3. enjoy rockclimbing again
4. Have another baby
5. Become a Grandmother
6. travel
7. go on a real shopping spree
8. be prepared to die

Seven Ways Derek Won (and keeps winning) My Heart:
1. love God and want to live for Him
2. be very patient with me
3. let me know when i do something you don't agree with
4. give me lots of hugs & kisses & verbal affirmation
5. be a good daddy
6. be fun & upbeat
7. be understanding & kind

Six Things I Believe In:
1. the God of the Bible, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit
2. encouraging & bringing out the best in other people
3. a lasting marriage
4. work to live, not live to work
5. Breastfeeding
6. wherever you go, there you are

Five Things I'm Afraid Of:
1. getting into a car accident with diedre on board
2. That diedre will get hurt or sick and I won't be able to help her
3. being all alone in the dark
4. disappointing people
5. death (i'm working on that one, but since having a baby, i don't like to think about it...but i know i should be okay with it...)

Four of My Favorite Things in the Bedroom (no extras in my room yet, we just moved!):
1. bed
2. clothes
3. heat
4. body pillow

Three Things I Do Everyday:
1. say i love you to derek & diedre
2. give hugs & kisses to derek & diedre
3. try to acknowledge God in all things

Two Things I Hate:
1. when the play areas for diedre are dirty from pets (i hate finding animal hair on her cheeks)
2. that i'm too easily insulted. lately i've really been thinking about how much i dont want to pass that on to diedre, its such a burden!

One Person I Want to See Right Now:
1. my mom

i tag my mom

fall

apparently i've been tagged by leah for saying she's a bad blogger...i think what i actually said was "you're the worst!" but Leah, you'll be glad to know, you are not actually the worst. i think the worst right now would be my friend rose--may 15! was the last post. yada yada busy lives, we've all got busy lives people! its about priorities, and if giving a glance into your life is not a priority...then i guess thats when you become a bad blogger...ok anyway, onto the taggingness

top 10 loves re: fall
1. changing leaves
2. blackberries wrapping up the season
3. long weekends (sep, oct & nov all have statutory holidays--still cool even if i'm on mat leave cuz then derek is around more)
4. wearing sweaters feels cozy
5. rain :S
6. the grass dies :S
7. can't just sit outside on the grass (it might be weepy from the rain) :S
8. house is colder :S
9. husband will want to let the animals sleep inside cuz its getting colder :S
10. have to start making fires again to keep the chill out of the house :S

ok, so i could only think of 4 things i like about fall...and #2 isnt even that good of a thing since i love blackberries. fall just seems to be so much about death. plants die, leaves die, grass dies...then it starts to rain alot. hmmm anyway, i love christmas time and then we're heading back to spring.

feeling quizzical

find your inner PIE @ stvlive.com

theological quiz

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan. You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavily by John Wesley and the Methodists. Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 96% Neo orthodox 79% Reformed Evangelical 71% Fundamentalist 64% Roman Catholic 54% Charismatic/Pentecostal 50% Emergent/Postmodern 43% Classical Liberal 43% Modern Liberal 14% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

i guess i better look into what John Wesley and the Methodists have to say...that sounds like a good band name. ha ha

i don't really understand how those percentages breakdown...any ideas? the only thing i can think of is out of the number of questions that could peg me as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan...i responded to 96% of them...

anyhow, i saw this off of pernellog

july 19 - a very special day

i've been pretty stressed out lately because of all the house stuff...it has not been a simple or straightforward situation in the least. i've spent so much time in the car (and poor diedre in her car seat) and thats added to my stress too. i was really trying to keep a good laissez-faire attitude and trust that things will work out as they should, but i guess my mind did not always have that control to stay cool :)

anyway, we signed our subjects removal at 11.10am. there was a lot going on with this deal and so even though we removed subjects we were not sure it would work out b/c we were past the deadline. the sellers failed to produce a document in time and delayed our final approval so we were not able to sign off last night at midnight...the sellers would not grant us an extension, so we were kind of taking a stab in the dark, to see if they'd still let us buy the house. so our realtor faxed the signed contract at noon and we waited.

i later found out that joanna had her baby around the time we were signing!!! she had a boy, Gabriel (middle names pending) 7lbs 21 inches. i went to see him in the afternoon. he was really cute. looks similar to david did as a baby.


here's joanna yesterday!

at 7.40pm we got the call from our realtor saying he received a signed fax from the sellers accepting our subjects removal. we got the house! how exciting! we take possession sept 24.

i am especially excited about two things:
we get to get rid of our junk.
we get to hang family pictures in a central location rather than in our bedroom (like we have done here b/c of our housemate).

yay!

a new place

i've been running around like crazy trying to get the details organized for us to buy a house. since derek is working and the sellers only gave us 3 business days to remove subjects, i'm hustling--big time. but it looks like it worked. tomorrow we have a building inspection and then we need to decide if we will take the house. its pretty exciting to be heading in that direction, and scary too of course :)

i never thought the day would come when we could buy a house...well thats not entirely true, i figured the only way we could is if God made it happen b/c we had such debt and seemed like this was so far off. but here we are, it could happen tomorrow. wow

learning curve never stops

well big life lessons are happening these days. God is showing me what i already know to be true but gap out on frequently: He can be trusted :)

how great to have such a patient God to love and teach me. i want to be like that too. a safe and patient person to trust...for diedre and derek and anyone else in my life.

today was a great day. a family day. a challenging day.

peace

MIT helper

2 hours til bed

i have a fairly relaxed style of parenting...diedre is the boss and so i pretty much just respond to her cues. so that means, tonight at 4.30 when she was really fussy and wanted to sleep, i helped her go to sleep. then she woke up by 7.30 and i had to help her go to sleep again for a couple of hours. it was very tiring, my back hurts from bouncing/rocking her...but i don't regret it. i like holding her. she is so precious and so nice to look at. i am planning to try to teach her how to go to bed by herself when she is closer to 6 months old. not far off yet.

i am so insecure sometimes that when people say "oh, you do that??" or if i hear them bad mouth people who have to rock their babies to sleep, i feel bad, like i'm doing something wrong. its amazing how as a new parent, i was totally inexperienced with babies but i had to learn to listen to some people/advice and let other stuff go.

it is the ultimate test for a people pleaser. there will ALWAYS be someone who disagrees or disapproves--and thats exactly what my personality hates. i want everyone to like me, respect me, support me. but it can never be that way. so fending off my inner thoughts and deprecations is totally necessary so i can focus what diedre actually needs from me. i say that diedre is the boss now, and although it can be hard sometimes, i love my new boss, she's the greatest.

peace

its been some time

A Call to Holy Living
1 peter 1.13 So think clearly and exercise self-control. Look forward to the special blessings that will come to you at the return of Jesus Christ. 14 Obey God because you are his children. Don't slip back into your old ways of doing evil; you didn't know any better then. 15 But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God--who chose you to be his children--is holy. 16For he himself has said, "You must be holy because I am holy."

i've been really struggling with an old issue...that of over eating and body image. i think its really important now that i have a daughter to really get a handle on these things. i want to teach healthy body image and healthy eating. not gorge and guilt. so i asked God to please help me with this. i learned how to eat well and think right about myself and food, now i need help again. thank you that my value is not in these things.