i have a voice

 Along with having many many ideas that never come to fruition, likely because of my energy levels, I have things to say, that I do not get around to saying.

Today's sermon was super inspiring by a young lady (I am still surprised she is only 20!) who has recently become the leader of our church's youth ministry. 

Hannah Lambert's message on June 13 2021 for Parkside Church

Like Hannah, I have had some life experiences and fears that have been influenced or instigated by the enemy, and I have let them settle in as part of my life.

I realize now that I have had anxiety in my life since I was a child. I never acknowledged it as such. I like to tell funny and dramatic stories to illustrate a point but I never quite connected that with anxiety! I knew early on in my marriage that I had a problem with "not being allowed to nap." I would have an energy crash, and a quick 10-20 minute nap would perk me back up to be ready for life again. As new parents, my young husband would want to chat with me or ask me something, so would accidentally interrupt me when I was trying to nap. It would turn into a fight as I tried to argue for my right to nap and he was probably shocked that I was mad about him talking to me when from his perspective it was an accident. Of course, our bickering ruined my chances of sleeping and the anger welling up inside me was an unreasonable amount for the 'crime' committed. 

I recently learned how that is part of an unhealthy or insecure attachment response. It triggered the memory "feelings" from a time when I felt like I had no control over my own life or space around me.

All that to say, the enemy has used that painful experience, to take a root in my personality and in my fear that no one cares enough to take care of me (not true) and that I have to fight for my rights or needs or they will be overlooked (also not true). I have a wonderful husband who sees me and supports me, and yes, does things at times that I have interpreted as not caring, but is an honest mistake. I have loving parents that went through their own difficulties and my mother's love healed me in so many ways and her legacy of following Jesus directly impacts my commitment to God to this day.

Having Jesus in my life from a young age (6) has given me a strength of character and a will to live a good, fruitful, and inspired life. Jesus says I have been called by name, Amanda, His child, "worthy of love." Being a child of God, sounds so strange or unreal, but the Creator of all things, made people and desires to bring them into a loving, healthy relationship with Himself. There is no point trying to be in control of my life now, that is an illusion, God is in control of my life because I want Him to be. Living my life in God's favour is the best! Knowing He cares for me, has a plan for my life, has a purpose for my personality, skills, gifts and even pain and past experiences is very liberating. All the junk, the good and the bad, that the enemy meant for harm, is meant for good in my life and with the people I interact with. 

recharge the battery

 I often find myself paralyzed. I think of these amazing ideas and then quickly decide doing nothing with them is much easier than doing something. I watch a lot of tv. I love tv. It is so relaxing and I like to laugh and chill and so I turn to tv. I am definitely the kind of person who can relax and take a down day or two.

This past while has been challenging and I get worn out easily by several things: grocery shopping, driving kids to and from school, exercising, doing laundry...so when I do one of those activities, it is like I need time to recover and get new energy to do the next thing. I am not sure exactly where this comes from but my ideas are: ongoing long haul Covid symptoms of fatigue, introvert characteristics, being overweight (so everything just takes more energy and is harder to do). 

My energy level is very frustrating. It gets depleted so quickly and so I am really careful with what I commit to or how busy I am in a given day. So after I do one of those activities that are usually daily, I need a rest. I usually turn to tv for a rest. Sometimes I will watch an entire show, or sometimes I will just watch maybe 20 minutes and then go do some more laundry. 

My daily routine starts with doing my devotions, usually pretty short from youversion, sometimes longer if I have the time before having to drive kids to school. Then I have a coffee and a shower, breakfast and my daily supplements. Anyway, I am generally pretty content and enjoy life and enjoy interacting with my family and friends and my dogs.  

Okay I do not even believe it

 I cannot believe I have not posted in a year!! What?!

Well, my year has been both wonderful, and difficult, and filled to the brim.

I started college in September 2020. Classes were held in person and we went very quickly from being required to wear masks in common areas but not while seated in class, to all the time. I welcomed the mask at first as I could hide my face and my fear of not belonging while I confidently walked from class to class, fearful of being in the company of 18-year-olds while I was well over that age....

Soon, I found it funny to realize I was returning to school after 23 years since my first year of college. So I would tell people I was in my second year after a gap of 23 years haha.

Learning to be a student again was an extremely steep learning curve for me! I scoffed at a few classes: Do I have to take that? I already know such and such. Like Academic Writing--I was a star in high school English--I even got an A++ (yes two +) on a final grade 13 paper. BUT I was extremely thankful to take that class and relearn how to write, learn MLA and APA references (I think I learned Chicago in Ontario)., and so many other literary necessities like "active voice" over my obvious skill of writing "passive voice." UGH. It was very very humbling (academic papers cannot have "very" haha) as I was continuously disappointed with low grades in that class. In the end, I was able to take what I was learning and apply it and get a pretty high GPA and made the Dean's List for Honours! Phew. As for MLA and APA I refer back to the guide continually and still seem to make mistakes when the paper is handed in. So many papers!!! 

Anyway, I survived two semesters, nine academic classes, plus two volunteer class requirements and made it on the Dean's List both semesters. I also chose to take two very difficult Psychology requirements this second-year back to get them out of the way. Those were my worst grades too...My goals, for now, are to try to not care so much about the grades. It is not worth losing sleep over and the results are pretty momentary--yay, I'm smart--and then back to real life because no one wants a braggart around. 

I am pursuing a Bachelor in Practical Theology in Counseling and would like to be a youth counsellor in a Christian school, likely private practice as well or maybe something completely unexpected--I am just trying to stay open to what God is leading me to do and I am so thankful for how supportive my husband and children and loved ones have been for me to do this.

A concern to start was definitely financial, but the government has so many Grants available to people in my situation with a family that it has been great timing. At this point, I am heading towards 2024 as my Grad year (same year as Ezekiel's Grade 12 Grad year). 

To conclude, I LOVE Grammarly and am so thankful I was introduced to it early in my semester and now it can help with writing emails and blog posts too!