trying to be perfect

can't do it.

i cannot be perfect.

i was all ready to start counting my points and not going over as of yesterday (thursdays are my weigh in day, so i figured friday was a good day to get back at it, start fresh).

i did well all day. then i headed out to my parents with my kids. i stopped to pick up a Tim Horton's coffee for my husband and on a whim decided to buy myself a mocha which is like 4 points...then we got wings, garlic toast and lasagne for dinner on the fly...it was all over then. i saw those chicken wings and i knew i would be having more than 3. and at 3points a wing, yikes.
then came the cookies...

so, i know i need to be confident, dont let myself be defeated and just start again.

my mom made the comment that i'd really slimmed down lately. that my bottom and thighs were looking much slimmer...i was sort of shocked because i just barely sqeeeeezed into a pair of non-maternity pants, but i wore them anyway since my mat pants are too big now.

derek is off working for a half-day today and since its just me and the girls, i might attempt some shopping/errands today. although my house is over flowing with laundry. somehow i got behind in it, so i'd like to get that done too. my mom wants to keep ezekiel for another night, but he's only 2 and i miss him :( i'm sure he misses me too...so i dont want to push him.

but when i think about it, grandma has the morning with him, then he naps for several hours, then pepere gets home from work and would want to see him, then a couple hours and its bedtime. so keeping him for another day might be okay. i guess we'll see.

i will try try try to record all my points and eat within them today. i need to grocery shop, so that should help, get more veggies in the house!

two issues with this attempt

i have been thinking about how this journey back to my goal weight has two main issues for me.

i definitely want to reach a more comfortable number on the scale. i have been as low as 140 lb in my adult life but i think 150 lbs suits me better. i have always appeared lighter than my "number on the scale." which is nice, but i think it actually has to do with having dense muscle mass. i have always been pretty athletic and could walk for as long as i'd want with little effort or fatigue. running takes more effort for me but i think its because i had poor technique. currently, being close to 180 lbs when my daughter is nearly 2 months old is pretty hard on my eyes and psyche. i know it takes time, but since i only reached around 188 lbs with my first two pregnancies, i was well below this weight by baby's 2nd month.

the other issue for me is the post-partum body. i want my body to look more "normal." i had such a crazy huge belly that stuck out FAR. it obviously did some damage to my muscles and skin. i know its common to have a softer belly after having a baby, but my belly seems soft and droopy. i feel a little scared with how its going to turn out especially since i am decidedly against getting a tummy tuck (because, thanks to those wonderful reality tv shows, i've seen what the procedure and subsequent scarring looks like and i do not want that either!). i try to remind myself that it takes time and to not be too hard on myself, mostly because there is NOTHING quick i can do about it.

i know that slowly dropping the lbs will result in a slightly different physique, i'm both curious and a little scared to see what it looks like ;P

i remember back to my first attempt at weight loss and it was a huge change for my body image, my way of looking at food, and my confidence as well as the number on the scale. it was so important to me to have healthy self-image and to hopefully never let my daughter hear me say "ugh, i look so fat!" i just happened to have a daughter first and i felt like i was good to go, good attitude, good perspective, a healthy body...well, things have changed. i dont feel so on top of things right now, but i believe that i can return to a healthier way of thinking and living.

4th time losing weight

i recently re-joined the local weight watchers group. back in 2003 i joined for the first time, i did really well, consistently lost weight until i reached and exceeded my goal. i was 168lbs and got all the way down to 140lbs (with my "official" goal on the program being 145 so i'd have 7lbs of lee-way--you can be 2 lbs above or your official goal weight and still maintain your "at goal" status which means you dont have to pay).

just after reaching goal in 2004, and becoming a lifetime member of weight watchers, i became pregnant for the first time. i maintained my weight until i was 3 months pregnant and then it obviously went up from there.

Pregnancy 1:
start weight: 143 lbs at 9.5 weeks (recorded at dr.'s office); actual was 140 lbs
end weight: 188 lbs at 40 weeks
total gain: 48 lbs
baby girl
loss after 3 weeks: 20 lbs; weighing 168 lbs

Pregnancy 2:
start weight: 161 lbs at 8.5 weeks (recorded at dr.'s office); actual was 158 lbs
end weight: 189.5 lbs at 41 weeks
total gain: 31.5 lbs
baby boy
loss after 3 weeks: 31.5 lbs; weighing 158 lbs

Pregnancy 3:
start weight: 157lb at 8 weeks (recorded at dr.'s office); actual was 156 lbs
end weight: 201lb at 41 weeks
total gain: 45 lbs
baby girl
loss after 3 weeks: 20 lbs; weighing 181 lbs

so i did manage to get down to about the same weight before the second two pregnancies began and weight watcher principles really helped.

so now is my 4th time partaking on the weight loss journey to try to get back to the healthy lifestyle i want to live.

i started at 180 lbs weigh in on October 30 2008.
i skipped 2 weeks and weigh ins were as follows:
November 13: 179 lbs down 1.6 lbs
November 20: 177.8 lbs down 1.2 lbs

i have not been exercising at all since starting. i really want to play my wii fit, but adjusting to audrey's schedule or lack of or whatever, hasnt really allowed it and i've been TIIIIRED in the evening. i ate alot of halloween candy and chocolate the first 2 weeks on the program but this week has gone much better.

i have been using twitter alot and am part of a group called "wwtweets" so i decided i start documenting my weight loss and i'm sure i'll reach my goal soon-ish :D as a lifetime member, i have 3 months free from October 30 to get back to my goal weight of 155 lbs. i'm not totally sure i can reach it by then, but if not, i can always raise my goal so that i dont have to pay.

anyway, better go. we are throwing our son his second birthday party today! fun!

what to do...how much to do...?

i'm just thinking about the fall and what kinds of responsibilities i want to have when i'm about to add a little one to our family. i have been in a role of responsibility for a mom's group over the last year and its time to make commitments again. then i'm thinking of my needs as a mom and as a woman, and the longer i'm in my town (nearly 3 years) the more i learn about whats out there to do for me or my kids.

sunday morning: church, but no participation on worship team or nursery until at least january.
tuesday morning: i will be busy with a Christian preschool that diedre and ezekiel like to attend which at most requires bringing a snack on rotation.
wednesday morning (1st & 3rd of the month): the mom's group where i led a discussion group and had to call my ladies the week before. this also requires attending meetings throughout the year. there is a preschool type class that my kids will be in together. the baby will probably be with me.
wednesday morning (every 2nd wed, may or may not coincide with the mom's group): a ladies/mom's bible study, with childcare provided. it sounds like a really encouraging group and a nice break from kids.
friday early afternoon: maybe dance lessons for diedre

so basically, when i moved to this town i really wanted to find a ladies bible study like the one i now know about but it took 2 years before i heard about it and i didnt get the chance to go last year b/c of the other mom's group. so now, i'm at the point of needing to commit again to the one group or maybe not. i could always just be a casual attendee, rather than involved in the leadership of it.

any thoughts? i just dont want to get overbooked and have to back out of things. i'd rather just take the low-key road and do what i can from there.

i'm not looking for advice, maybe a little love...

in the last few weeks i have had a pretty tumultuous time with "friends" or people who have told me i'm insecure, lack confidence, unsure of myself, i dont carry myself in a way that would attract people to me, and today, that my mind is separate from my body and i need to get grounded (i have NO idea what she meant....its some new agey philosophy as far as i can tell...no idea....except that maybe it was another: you're unsure of yourself statement--it also had something to do with "giving away my power"??).

i am overly honest, and am someone people feel comfortable telling these fairly unhelpful statements to--because they're not telling me how i can be more confident...

i feel pretty beaten down. i feel like i did in grade two when i was not content with the friends i had and wanted "popular friends" just to have them reject me...and then the major relationship difficulties i had in my preteen and teen years where i was controlling and manipulative and basically not able to appreciate the friendships i had...then in college where these girls would go out for coffee and never invite me, and me being odd, asked why they didnt invite me and they said "you are really hard to be friends with." but i had NO idea why...they didnt elaborate and we had a strange, strained friendship after that...and then when i lived in whistler, i never felt like i had friends who really cared about me but i just thought it was because i was busy being a newlywed and had a hard first year...and now, i've been in this town for two and a half years and was feeling like i lacked any significant connections...and this i found out recently, was because i rubbed people the wrong way...i was judgemental, and too forward with my opinions, and hurt peoples feelings and again i had NO idea i was doing this. now that i've been told, i see it for sure, i know what i can do to change and i am totally willing to do that. not so people will "like" me but because i see that it was wrong and i want to be a supportive person, not a judgmental person.

writing this here, knowing people might read it, is hard. i guess i'm hoping it will give insight into who i am. it will act as an apology to those i know i've hurt in the time of our friendship. it will explain why i'm so odd...mostly, i truly am embarassed for what i've done, what i've allowed myself to become, for being such a crappy example of someone who follows Christ, for the things i didnt realize and wish i had...its like when i was learning that i could be honest without violating myself all the time, it was such an embarrassment to realize that i didnt know there was another way.

is there something wrong with my brain? why do i have to learn things in such a hard way? why do people tell me such hurtful things? why do i put myself out there where i can be hurt.

if i wasnt interested in socializing or making friends, i could avoid these hurts and have a much cleaner house.

the other thing that really confuses me is why the people who know me well love me so much...but then i cant seem to make new friends. it makes me think that i was more likeable ten years ago so those are the friends i have now, but something changed so now i'm not likeable...?

another explanation is that i have tried to make friends with people who do not share similar values so i am always the oddball. plus, i was too open about my values and that i thought they were the right way to be...so that turned people off.

anyway, enough mental gymnastics...i'm turning 30 soon, so apparently it is not uncommon to have major emotional/social/intellectual/spiritual breakthroughs or shake-ups. now, i get to practice "letting go" and not letting this eat me up anymore...

milk

my brother and i have often been teased by west coasters for how we say "milk"

recently, i was watching sesame street and i thought "aha! that's why we say it like "melk" because of sesame street, filmed in New York."

so click here and press "m" and you will see what i mean.

finally, validated (and yes, my mom says "melk" too)

i cant wait anymore...

and neither should you...

we are happily expecting a new baby at the salmon household.

due date is september 20 2008 but i'm aiming for october 1st. ezekiel was 10 days late (diedre was only 2 days late) so i dont want to rush this next little one...although i really wish i was further along than 9 and a half weeks so that the morning/all day sickness was passed.

yes, we planned it. our first two are 21 months apart and this one should come around 22 months after ezekiel. its great spacing for us. i'm already started to show and i have been having fairly consistent all day sickness, so i might as well tell now!

so far, i think its a girl because the nausea is very similar to what i had with diedre (i was very sick with ezekiel).

i am really turned off by chicken right now and hoping that ends soon as i had stocked up some "great" chicken meals in the freezer, which i could not eat b/c of the nausea.

for a few weeks it seemed as though i could eat one thing (ie. Tim Horton's new deli trio) and it was perfect but the very next day it totally turned my stomach, ugh. this happened with many many foods making my eating options from weeks 6 to 9 very limited...i think i'm coming out of that a little, although writing all this about food is not helping...

its been pretty challenging trying to eat (or feed kids and husband) when i feel so crummy all the time. especially dinner time. sometimes when i step out of the kitchen into the dining area, i feel so much better, less nausea and everything.

ezekiel has blessed me with two nights of sleeping all the way through the night (not in a row, but two out of three). last night was not one of them...it was TERRIBLE...ugh. hope the family starts sleeping better soon...of course poor derek was having some tummy troubles last night too so i had to handle both night hawks myself.

we are all quite excited (except ezekiel, he doesnt know whats going on yet). the day we found out was a sunday morning and we told diedre and she said "i have to tell all my friends that mommy has a baby in the belly." it was very cute.

she is starting to pray for the "little tiny baby" and to say she loves him/her already. i'm hoping she will be a good helper when the time comes.

diedre turns three next week. and ezekiel will be 15 months old next week too. time sure flies when you're having kids.

just wanted to share our blessing with you all :)

on another family note, our dog Sparky ran away on saturday. we looked around for him by van for 20 minutes and couldnt find him. he has gone missing at least 5 times before and either we get a call the next day from the animal control or our neighbour has found him, but not this time. he's been gone four days and i'm thinking he got stolen. he is a very handsome and friendly dog. not cool, not cool.

also, when some people find him they dont want to give him back. they ask "are you sure you can handle him? we are willing to walk him for you or play with him. please call if you change your mind." or this older couple kept saying "okay sparky, go back upstairs." when i came to get him. they wanted him too. so if one of those two families have him, at least they will be very happy. practically speaking, i dont mind not having dog hair everywhere or poop all over the yard...call me crazy, but every little inconvenience really adds up when you're busy with kids.

oh to live in the forest...

i have a very vivid memory of a boy i had a crush on in early grade school. he left my house in a huff and said "i'm never coming back to your house because you dont have running water!"

it was pretty embarassing. i dont think i knew that that was especially abnormal at the time.

it became a claim to fame for our family. like the year andrew went back to school and was asked, in the usual school assignment fashion, "what was the most exciting thing to happen during your summer holidays?" and he said, "getting indoor plumbing." he got in alot of trouble for that. the teacher thinking he was being cheeky.

not so.

so andrew used to carry up buckets of well water to our house for drinking and cooking and bathing (although we used to go to Nana's for proper baths sometimes). and we spent alot of our childhood stacking wood and shoveling snow and singing freestyle songs about how much we hated it. but really, we must have loved it. we also had a pond that froze over and i would shovel a t-shaped path to practice my figure skating on. or we would shovel the whole thing and have people over for skating. we had 260 acres we could explore. i'm sure we didnt use anywhere near any of that. but we got to see partridges and porcupines and see deer tracks or wild rabbits.

its exactly what i want for my kids. i want to live in the forest. have a garden. lots of trees around us. somewhere for us to all run around, explore and enjoy the beauty of nature as God intended it.