November 2012

November is here! My oldest son is turning SIX at the end of this month. I'm not looking forward to planning his party as I often find this stressful and he keeps changing his mind about what he wants and my husband has a plan for him but I don't want to leave out his classmates.

Things have been going pretty well around here. I'm looking forward as we can head towards Christmas! I'm going to decorate one of these days since I missed out last year and didn't have very much interest in Christmas either (PPD and Bennett was hospitalized on Christmas day with a major asthma attack).

I've started taking B50 complex vitamins, in addition to my regular multi and my Omega 3-6-9s. I'm trying to see if I can feel more "normal" without actual antidepressants. I considered taking St. Johns Wort but they do not recommend that if you are still nursing (which I am, my baby is 15 months now). The B50 has been helping SOOO much. I had NO PMS this month which was awesome. I really need a break from anxiety sometimes and it appears that the B50 might be helping.

I've also been having a hard time with getting the kids to school. I dont know what to do when my son goes to his room with his uniform and then just doesnt get dressed. He's not playing, he's just zoning out and then I come check 10 minutes later and he's in his underwear!! What do I do?? We have not been making it to school on time. I guess we might just need to start getting up earlier or something. Its very difficult to get them out the door.

Having the kids in school has been great. I was making walking dates with different ladies while my 3 kids were in, but now the weather is rainy, so I'm not as motivated to do that.

I also decided to quit Weight Watchers because it was not working for me this time around. I found it to be stressful and I just always felt like a failure. It was not rewarding or motivating for me. I've been rockclimbing at the gym alot so that has been more rewarding. There is a competition coming up where there are 50 problems in the gym and you have a month to chip away at them. I am excited to see how much better I'll be since the last one in February.

Anyway, I'm off to a lunch date with my Step Dad (something we may have never done before) so here I go.

transition time

My husband and his crew are going climbing tomorrow while I have my last day of summer with the kids.

I'm feeling lots of emotions right now.

I am disappointed with myself.

I always thought I would cherish each moment of every day with each child in their own unique way...but instead, I am desperate for quiet times and try to sneak in a nap once a day, and if I don't, I have a major crash and can't even speak straight.

I am VERY excited for Tuesday when my oldest two kids will be heading back to school full time. One in Grade 1, one in Grade 2. And then, super super excited that my nearly 4-year-old will be in Preschool two mornings a week (she has been the "strong-willed child" but has been showing a sweetness at least 80% of the time lately).

I guess I had envisioned myself as the type of mom who would have an open door for children, and love to host people all the time, and always be ready for a visit, and take the time to have the kids come home for lunch during their school day--I am not that mom.

I am the mom who is anticipating the next week with great joy. I keep singing the tune "Its the most wonderful time of the year" off an old back-to-school commercial when I was younger. I used to balk at THOSE types of parents, wishing the summer away, wanting the kids back in school, being irritated with their kids...

I am crying. This is me. I have had a pretty difficult summer with kids fighting, tiredness, intense anxiety (I still consider that I am in "postpartum depression" I'm just managing it) and financial pressures and watching most others go away for trips and outings while we scrimped and saved to get through the summer. Then to do one budgeted holiday, at the VERY end of the summer, to a lovely town for my cousins wedding. I was SO ready for it. and I had as much fun as I could possibly have until I had to give up my climbing day to bring our youngest daughter to the clinic/pharmacy (which really did go as well as possible and we got some answers and antibiotics to help her get better after the last few doctors did not follow through!!!).

Now, I'm feeling pretty jealous that my husband gets to spend his final day of holidays with his "boys" climbing and having a good time while I get the kids ready for school and try to get them back into schedule. I blame this response on my birth order, I'm the baby, I feel like I'm being a baby--its not fair, blah blah blah.

I want it to be a good day. It will be an okay day, likely. Tonight, I feel like being spontaneous (for tomorrow...) by going up to a nice lake/park to hang out...but really, I need to do laundry and get lunches and backpacks ready.

I read a great statement for me, "Today will not be as good as I hope, but it will be better than I thought." I have a problem thinking melancholic at times (which this blog used to be called "Melancholy baby").

Well, that felt good to get out. and to finally write in my blog since March!!

I restarted Weight Watchers in June (online only) and lost another 10 or 15lbs. Then stopped losing. So I plan to start back up at meetings until I get the last pesky 20ish off!

I feel like I am in transition as a Mom and as a woman. I am not having any more babies. My youngest is now 13.5 months old. He will be walking soon. Talking soon. Toilet learning soon. Terrible Twoing soon...but I will have TWO kids in school full time and ONE in preschool twice a week...I am soooo excited. I keep telling people (who say, "Oh, you'll be so lonesome!") that I am hoping I'll be able to catch my breath! After having terrible Postpartum Depression after the last two babies, always feeling like I'm behind the eight ball, never quite good enough, never as good as I'd like to be as a mom/wife...so many negative thoughts and experiences that I've had to fight through and still try to provide a fairly stable, balanced, good home for my kids and husband.

Now what? What do I want in this life ahead? What kind of mom am I? What do I want to do or be? How do I have fulfillment and provide nurturing to four kids? What goals can I set? Can I follow through? How do I move beyond the chaos and let it remain in the past and pursue peace?

This is my transition. Let's see how it goes.

March First

My weight loss journey is not going as awesome as I wish it was. It is very difficult. I still try to focus on it being about being healthy and that the trend is going downward, but losing weight fast is so much more fun and you get a bit of a rush as people notice the changes. No one has noticed anything yet...and its been ten pounds. So, it is forcing me to lose responsibly and not just to be noticed. At home on my scale today, I was the lowest I've been yet. I'm really hoping that if I can keep on track this week that I can get below 180 by Tuesday. Again, it feels so difficult right now. but, good news, I slept through the entire night for the first time in years! I am so thankful for that. It was so weird to be awake at noon and not feel like total garbage.

rallying

The week after the snow day weigh-in I was down another 3.2 lbs for a total loss of 6.4 lbs! not bad for 3 weeks :)


Then, the next week, I was showing NO loss :( I was sooo disappointed, but realized that I HAD to rally and stick with it or I would be wasting this opportunity of losing for free on the plan. So I did. I upped my water intake. Made sure I was eating Greek yogurt every day and drinking milk when I needed a little boost. I also tried to have milk instead of cream in my coffees and even drank black coffee a few times. On Wednesday (I weigh in on Tuesdays) I was SOOOO hungry and I thought, I bet the weight is falling off me today! and i weighed myself at home and I was 5 pounds lighter than I had been at the meeting!! So I kept up my motivation for the rest of the week, including the weekend ;)

And so, my hard work paid off and I had a very successful weigh in today: Current Weight: 183 lbs. Total Loss: -10.4. Goal: 155 lbs. 28 lbs to go! Reached 5% LOST Goal today!

So I have lost 1/4 of what I hope to lose so I have 3/4 to go! It is nice to think that 10 lbs is gone FOREVER!

I have had a hard time this time around feeling excited. I get excited when I actually write it down, but I don't really feel like losing 10 lbs is that great since I was at 188 a few months ago, I went down to 183 lbs but then I went up instead of continuing down. I guess I feel like I haven't even started from where I left off, like really I've only lost 5 lbs. But I guess, even 5 lbs is good, when its REALLY gone ;) not just a fluctuation in the day. I don't want to lose momentum, so I'm doing alot of positive self-talk like: 10 POUNDS are gone! TEN! That's really great! Your clothes will be looser soon (although I'm still wearing yoga pants and maternity panel pants because of my hernias)! You are loving eating so healthfully and can still have tasty snacks or treats here and there but mostly, you just feel healthy!

Anyway, thats how my brain works :) so I'm happy to have reached my first goal of 5% loss, plus a 10 lb loss, and now i'm working on my 10% loss goal of 19 lbs. Maybe by the end of February?

snow days

My second weigh-in was pre-empted by a snow day! I was disappointed as I was really looking forward to seeing how my week went, as per the scale. I started to feel a bit down about it and then thought, "No, I've GOT to rally and keep my efforts up! I've only got 3 months free and THIS IS IT! I'm gonna do it!"

So, I kept on track, for the most part. I think I had a few cookies that weren't quite on plan, but other than that, I have been making good choices and eating within my points.

I was starting to feel that I was overdoing it as far as stepping on my home scale, so I really tried to cut back. Then after missing the meeting this week, I noticed some changes in how I've been looking so I decided I'd let myself weigh-in at home and I was very happy by the results. I went to my Wii to weigh-in there and celebrated with the kids telling them that I've been making healthy choices lately and its working to help me get to where I should be (they always come running when they hear the Wii Fit music start up).

I am really liking this new program, I definitely find myself going to get more fruit or a carrot when I feel a little munchy. There is a meeting tomorrow night that I am going to try to attend (unless it gets snowed out too), so hopefully I'll have my official results from week 2 soon!

The kids went to school today for the first time all week but it was a hassle especially bringing the baby into the -11 weather and wind! Poor boy :( He also has an ear infection so I brought him to the doc for a prescription this morning too. Silly kid was screaming from pain last night, and now he seems to like that sound and is just doing it for attention! gotta go

one last hurrah

I rejoined Weight Watchers to take advantage of being a lifetime Member since 2005 and using 3 months free to drop my baby weight.

After joining last Thursday evening, I was a little disheartened because I could only stay for 15 minutes of the meeting and I was really hoping for a little "rah-rah" to pump me up for the week ahead. I set my mind to it, that I would just do a great job and give it a good go.  Day 1 I over ate by 35 points and then the next day, I over ate by 18 points, then I managed to get things under control for the next few days.

At the meeting this morning (I decided I could only make this work for me if I switched to a morning meeting), I had lost 3.2 lbs! I was honestly expecting it to be twice that as the first week is usually pretty high for me, but it hasn't even been a week so whatever, I'm still very happy with that amount (obviously! down is down.).

Anyway, I hope to be able to have great success this time around. The program has changed again but I believe its a good plan and the things I've noticed are that they are encouraging you to eat a reasonable but unlimited amount of fruit and vegs and putting the focus on making healthy choices rather than just going for the lowest calories. They are moving away from calories and now include carbohydrates and protein, along with fat and fiber in their new calculations (which mean my free "point count" app is no good anymore).

I have had a few challenges already with the new plan because they want you to use their e-tools website, which would include an iPhone app, but since I'm a Lifetime member (which means I don't pay), its a bit tricky. I'm waiting to hear back from them to see if I can get the program free for 3 months (as I'm entitled to).