i'm actually reading a book...

i've never been much of a reader...i was a sponge for knowledge during my pregnancies and read more than ever during them.

right now, i'm reading a book that some of my "green" Christian friends decided to hand over to me even though they had yet to read it. i said i would do a book report. The book is called Serve God, Save The Planet.

at this stage of the game, i hope this book will change my life as much as it is making me feel like changing my life right now.

step one for me: minimize. give away everything i do not need. try to give away things i want but don't need.

this is a hard one for me to do. i am a hoarder. i like having good things. i like keeping things that may be useful at some point.

i am a pack rat.

side note: my mom moved here from Ontario last june. she brought out boxes of my "stuff" that i had been living without for nine years. most importantly, she brought out my napkin collection. yes, napkin collection. it had fancy napkins, airline napkins (back when they were almost cloth like), Christmas themes, holiday themes, ones from my pen pal in Greece, obviously napkins that were very important to me as a kid. so, i looked through them all, then threw them out. we laughed at how ridiculous it was to move a box of old, unused napkins over 4000 miles (driving).

we have two kids now, a Doberman, and two cats. we have too much stuff for the 1000 square feet that we live in. we have no garage or outdoor storage, so that means items like rakes, lawnmower, table saw, etc. get to experience the variety of weather systems that we have on the west coast. this also means that in a location where you would traditionally find shoes, there sits a chainsaw or two, pet food, a random assortment of tools and large baby items that are not being used.

so i ask myself, is lack of storage the issue, or just too much random junk?

at the minimum, i think i could try to get rid of a good amount of items. i know on the show clean sweep they have "keep", "sell", "throw out" piles and they usually split the "keep" pile in half again, i think. that might be a good start.

wish me strength to do a task that is so against my pack rat nature.

UPDATE:



ok, not to pick on derek, but he is also a pack rat...see the above picture. this vest was last worn on Monday, April 24, 2000. our wedding date. it still has the gerbera daisy pinned to it. we have moved three times since our wedding seven and a half years ago...

i'm not giving this away...not yet!

old age

for some reason, i've been thinking alot about old age, not mine necessarily, maybe that of my parents or their age demographic...

perhaps it began with my recent experience of being a "sandwich generation" person: caring for my mother and my young children. mom was really sick for six months or so and i was one of the closest to her. i really tried to be there to visit, encourage and care for her as much as possible. i really learned alot during that time. i learned how to keep things to myself, to let things go, to be ready for anything and to rely on God to give me the strength to care for those around me when i really wanted to be cared for.

then last week i spoke with an elderly friend who has a mother who is 101 and living in a nearby "home." she said that her mother lived on her own until 99 and then moved into a "home." she said the lack of stimulation (not running her own household) really did affect her and her health declined quickly. she is still doing pretty good for 101, but how much better might she be if her family had been able to care for her at home and keep her close by?

then we watched "Away from Her" the other night. a wonderful Canadian movie about alzeheimers. it was so touching to see two elderly people still interested in one another, still affectionate and even physically intimate (although we didnt "see" that part thankfully--i dont like watching sex scenes of any type in movies, personally!). it was sooo heartbreaking to see the wife transfer her affections to another man in the "home" because her husband was not allowed to see her for 30 days! 30 days earlier, they were so in love with one another, they totally completed each other, they were ONE for sure, and then a stupid policy meant that they could not be together for 30 days and she forgot him. she never really remembered him again. it was sooo sad. he gave her space, and was persistent and tried to wait for her to come around. he loved her so much. it broke my heart.

it made me wish and hope that i could (if it ever comes down to that in my own family), just use the money that it would cost for a home, to make a suite in our home and pay for a homecare nurse to come to our place. i hope i remember that later on in life when it seems like it would be more convenient to let someone go into a home. but seriously, if it shortens their life and totally changes who they are, yikes.

i feel weird thinking about these things when i'm not even 30 yet! but i guess thats just the way i am.

i lost

ok. i'm disappointed and trying not to get too despairing about things that dont really even matter.

i was in a sit up challenge. i lost momentum at one point because of some comments that devalued my contribution and then i never really got it back. i was able to pull ahead, but in the end, i lost the drive that i had and thus, lost. my goal was to finish the 10,000 by the time i leave for vacation, which i will still do, although i feel like being a big baby and throwing in the towel and saying "whats the point now?"

i really wish i didnt listen to what people say...or didnt interpret what people say and the way they say it. i wish my confidence never wavered. i wish i never self-doubted. i wish i could stand firm in my own thoughts and intentions and not let things get me down. its so weird to have these melancholy moments when i think i am generally exceptionally happy. maybe its just my emotions needing to take a break or something...

ok: things to celebrate: baby ezekiel is sleeping right now. so i should be too. my husband is awesome and continues to impress me each week. my daughter is so fun, smart, learning, growing, and just like me (so many people tell me that: "your daughter looks EXACTLY like you." just like people always told me i looked exactly like my mom). and, i'm going rockclimbing with my derek for the first time in a looooong time and i'm so excited. and we got a free portrait studio package tonight because they lost our first round of pictures from last week. and only four more work days until derek and i will have many many days together!

wow, that really helped.

ciao

thoroughly annoyed with...

me.

so i'm usually my biggest fan, but lately i'm feeling a little fed up.

see, i really want to lose eight to ten more pounds. i have a "free" weight watchers membership but i was busy on several thursdays in a row and was not able to attend the meetings. for me, i definitely need accountability to stick with things or competition...and i am receiving neither (derek refuses to try to lose weight with me ha ha).

i know that the program can work for me. it has in the past. this round, i was able to lose 20lbs but at this point some of that has crept back on. i'm still in a safe zone, but i can see how it is slowly creeping back to where i dont want it to be.

i feel like if i was to be paying for this program, maybe i would take it more seriously, but then on the other hand, if there is a box of cookies in the house, i can easily eat 4 a day which is close to 20 points (i get 32 points a day, so that doesnt leave me with too many to eat actual good food with) with guilt after each cookie.

its difficult for me, knowing that it worked before, and recently, to keep willing myself to make it work now. i just really want the cookies, or chips or whatever. i can make some good choices in a day, and then i bail on that plan. argh. i'm not used to having such little self control.

my excuses are:
i'm tired/haven't slept through the night in 10 months at least, if not 3 years.
i've got two kids to watch.
i'm busy. i havent made time to exercise lately because i'm working on other things, like napping routines (and stroller rides to the park usually equal napping in the stroller for ezekiel). its been raining alot.
i'm in a sit up comptetition so that's some exercise even though its not helping with weight loss or my clothes fitting better because i eat more cookies.
i'm a horrible person who cant stick to anything even when i know it could totally work.
counting points gets tiresome; doing the Core plan means you have to count points for things that arent on the plan, like breads, cookies, etc.
i just dont want to.
even though i'm mostly happy, i get lonely, bored and a little depressed and when i'm annoyed that the kids dont go to bed, i eat. then when they actually go to bed, i eat more.
i look fine. i'm a fine weight. i'm definitely not obese, i just kinda want my clothes to fit better.

some possible solutions would be:
if i took all the money i spend on snacks and cookies and used it to pay the $4 for childcare at the gym, i could get a good workout.
forget about it. just eat and eat and eat until i gain back the 40lbs i lost and then i'll really want to do something about it.
go to the meetings regularly, no matter what; make a date for myself every week and just do it. it is a support group for weight loss after all.
setting a goal (oh wait, i tried that, 2 lbs a week for 4 weeks, that was 2 weeks ago and i've lost less than a pound so far).

that's it.

Lisa Hill and the Bridge to Terabithia

we just finished watching the movie for the Bridge to Terabithia. i read the book when i was quite young because i knew that my brother really liked it and it wasn't about science (most of what he read when i was in elementary school were things that i was definitely not interested in).

i remember it being such a shocking story. that left me feeling like the story was totally not resolved. i thought derek would really like it (which i think he did, but he said "too sad, too sad."). i also think its more difficult to watch things like that when you have a daughter.

i checked wikipedia bto find out if the movie had strayed significantly from the story. although, it did seem to keep to the main story, i read some interesting factoids like:

Controversy

Because of the novel's content it has been the frequent target of censors and appears on the American Library Association list of the 100 Most Frequently Challenged Books of 1990-2000 at number nine.^[4]

The censorship attempts stem from death being a part of the plot,^[5][6] Jess' frequent use of the word "lord" outside of prayer,^[7] and concerns that the book promotes secular humanism and New Age religions, occultism, Satanism,^[8][7] and for accusations of sexual content.

i also remembered that i interpreted the relationship between the kids to be totally "just friends" and nothing more, but the wikipedia plot summary said they both had crushes on each other.

it was especially interesting to find out the story behind the story...

dora rules my life

well, sometimes it feels like that.

i'm groggy, i prepare breakfast, get my coffee ready and alas, it is time for dora (7.40am).

then we get going with our day, maybe visit a playgroup, go to the park, go grocery shopping, home for a nap.

then what? snack time (usually apple and cheese) and dora again...(4pm).

then its a short wait until daddy's home. so until then, we work on our dora puzzles.

online shopping find...

Amazing Amanda
Amazing Amanda expresses real emotion, engages in two-way communication and interacts with all her play pieces. She takes nurturing play to a new level, she knows when it’s time to eat, sleep and play.

here's a funny mommy

mom's song

its time for the facebook post

i know, just about everyone who has joined facebook has had to write about their emotional journey into the past...my personal observations are:

1. i had WAY too many crushes...many, not all, of the guys that i have reconnected with were former crushes. crushes from gradeschool, crushes from camp, crushes that lasted one day, crushes that lasted years--pining from afar (well, those ones i usually dont actually connect with--just in case they knew i had a crush on them and then think i am searching them out to see "what if?" and am not the happily married woman that i can assure you that i am).

2. i am still scared to contact some people who were super mean back then. they might be nice now, maybe they would like to know what i am up to these days but i would prefer to wait until they ask me to be "friends" just to avoid "the burn."

3. i have learned that if i truly believe that people can change, like how i know i have changed, i need to give them the benefit of the doubt that they have too.

4. my brother and i have alot of friends in common, which he said annoys him, but i think its a testimony that we were good friends. his friends are usually curious to know what his "little sister" is up to and my friends are all lucky enough to be his friend anyway.

5. where have all the Christians gone? well, from my youth group days, there are not many left, let me tell you. i know i had my 8 months or so away from the faith, but i really thought more people would make it through the 20s with the same faith that we used to share. i am very glad that i still believe and want to live for what i have believed for so long. heartbreak really shook me up and caused me to doubt and take a step away. but i came back, after taking a break, and found that there was no other way for me. it was an interesting journey for me, as i was always a big doubter, but when i returned to my faith, the doubting ended. but there is still hope, some new Christians have surfaced, and some of the old ones seem to be in that time of doubt or disallusionment right now, so it may not be totally over yet. i have always been a very forward person, so out of curiousity, i have asked some if they are "still Christian" but some have ignored the question, while others have been very honest and open about what they are thinking about that right now.
SIDE NOTE: i am also surprised at the number of pastor friends derek and i have; and we have also both noticed many who are ex-pastors already (early 30s); and the number of people who are obviously not cool with the term Christian, so they come up with some other snappy way of saying the same thing...post modernism perhaps?

6. my husband and i are so different. its really cute to see him enjoying facebook too. for YEARS he has been trying to find one or two people in particular. so i am so pleased that he has finally reconnected with them (google searches never came through for him all these years). he is also very silly with some of his friends. he is getting "pokes" from one person all the time. its very silly.

7. my latest M.O. for facebook is to write a note when i am interested in becoming "friends" so that its not just a random request but somewhat personalized. i have talked with one of my local friends here who finds it offensive when a friend who she hasnt talked to in years just invites her and doesnt write anything. i dont totally see it that way, because when i first got started i added people thru email addresses, so it was a group invite the first time, out of my inexperience.

8. as long as my blog is not getting totally neglected, i think its okay for me.

9. i have some great girl friends that i have missed over the years who i can have short chats with that seem somewhat easier to do than thru email. so thats been great! and they have written such nice comments on my wall, so flattering :D hee hee

10. the limited profile: so far i think i only have one "friend" that put me on a very limited profile. yah, it feels weird, since they can see mine--and i used to be able to see their full profile. they probably dont look at my page anymore. its situations like that that make me think maybe we are not really "friends".

11. very cool connections have been made with some who i was not necessarily close to back in the day, but now, we have more in common (usually because of kids) and so we can relate much better. and its fun now that my list has expanded to some of my aunts and cousins that i have not been as close to. i would love to be closer to them so when i see them, we can have fun together and it will feel more natural to chat in person.

there were definitely alot of emotional issues and self-doubt that surfaced in my first few weeks on facebook. now that some time has passed and i know how it all works, i feel much more stable and in control. some of my first conversations with old friends were pretty weird, i am sure they could tell i was "new" to the whole thing...

how many cats...???

i got a call today from a pet adoption agency asking me if it is okay for our tenants to adopt another cat. they have three cats. when they lived with us the first time, they had two cats, and adopted the third without our knowing. which caused us to make sure to let future tenants to "discuss" with us if they want to get a pet. personally, i think three cats is too much (and this comes from someone who had two cats, a dog and a ferret, when we moved into our house).

so i called and told one of them that i think three is alot already, and that we are not comfortable having anymore down there. she said "that sucks. but okay." because they were hoping to balance out the gender ratio of the cats.

i told derek what i had done, and he sounded not that okay with it. i dont know exactly why, but i expect it is something to the effect that we like these renters and do not want to upset them in any way so that they might leave.

so i did some more research to find out how many cats are permitted per homestead in our town.

it turns out, its FIVE cats per home. okay, so they have three, we have one, if they get another, we are maxed out in cats. i called the local animal control to ask if it is five per suite or five total in the house, explaining that i really dont want them to get another cat, but legally, in the Rental Tenancy Act, after you have accepted a tenant, you are not allowed to restrict them from owning pets (even if you have a NP policy). so, she said, it would be five for the entire house.

good. i called the tenant back to say, i looked into the legal rights for the cats, and if she got a fourth cat, our household would be maxed out and then if we wanted to get diedre a kitten one day, we wouldnt be able to, so the "no" still stands.

hopefully they dont move out on account of poor little Fourthy.

lots of things to write, i will try to compartmentalize...

i keep thinking of things i want to write about, but never take the time. both kids are sleeping right now (and probably shouldnt be as it is 4.30pm) so i will take a quick second to ignore my untidy house and write...

its just our time

we are trying to survive on one income.

i think it is a noble cause. i want to be fully available to my kids and be there to see all the great things they are learning. i want to teach them lifeskills and watch them having fun.

i don't really feel like i'm giving anything up right now. i haven't been really "spendy" for years. it comes and goes and usually only comes in the form of eating out (which can all add up). i feel a bit like a robot who just constantly has to say "no" to my wants, so much that they have kind of dissapated, so when i do get some money (gifts or when derek gets a good bonus) i have to really think about what i will spend it on. i guess all those years of derek being a supervisor have creeped into my homelife; somehow he is keeping us motivated and working as a team. so we celebrate as a team too.

my financial contribution is to do some transcription work, to follow a budget, look for a deal (which i love doing), to pay bills, to make sure money is in the right places at the right times and to keep derek aprised of our banking situations.

if it weren't for debt i think we would absolutely be able to survive on derek's income. but for now, he is working on most weekends and some evenings. that is probably the worst of it. i'm working extra too. one of my girlfriends said she views our job (SAHM) as the same "office hours" as our husbands. anytime outside of that is to be shared and negotiated (for free time and hobbies). things don't exactly work that way around here, since when derek takes an evening or saturday to work, he can make alot more money alot faster than i can right now.

its very tiring for both of us. but i have tried to show my support by saying i'm prepared for him to work weekends for a year to get us out of this situation. i also try to be supportive by not complaining when he comes home and then has to get right back to work after a short visit. this is the hardest part for me. i miss him so much and i want his company for me and the kids, more than i need his help. somehow, the Lord is keeping us connected as a couple. i think we go for weeks of hard times, then have a great weekend hanging out and it helps us keep going until the next time. this weekend will be like that i believe.

a huge thing i'm working on and learning is to not claim his free time. to try to let him do what he wants/needs to do without hassling him. whenever he has "free time" i usually try to put my own expectations on it. i start making plans in my head and then get soooo disappointed and mad when he says he has to go out in the yard and do whatever he has been planning in his head. i can see that part of it is that he probably needs to have some free time where he is responsible only to himself. also he does have things to do that i can't do (because i needed to be available for nursing) or don't want to do, but i want done, around the house. i guess there is really alot of pressure on both of us. writing this out gives me more empathy for his situation as the main financial provider.

i look at it like its just our time to go through hard knocks. most older couples have been there. when the kids are little, the dad had to work two jobs to pay for the mortgage and expenses. i believe its just our time and if we handle it well, and don't just get into a cycle of debt that keeps recurring, then there will be an end. thats what i'm banking on ha ha

anyway, kids are up now, we're going to the first of three mother's day events: a family dinner at playgroup tonight, a family breakfast at church EARLY (8am), trip to the zoo, and a brunch on sunday with my parents.

A Whole Bunch O' Questions

i was tagged by Michelle:

1) Are your parents married or divorced? divorced when i was 2
2) Are you a vegetarian? no
3) Do you believe in Heaven? yes
4) Have you ever come close to dying? no
5) What jewellery do you wear 24/7? My wedding rings
6) Favorite time of day? napping with the kids
7) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? somewhat
8) Do you wear makeup? yes, when i want to look more awake :D
9) Ever have plastic surgery? No
10) Do you color your hair? i currently have lowlights
11) What do you wear to bed ? pajamas (i like wearing long pj pants to bed and need button down tops for nursing)
12) Have you ever done anything illegal? Yes--speeding :D but my favorite thing would be when we used to jump the fence and hang out in the public swimming pool in white rock back in the day
13) Can you roll your tongue? Yes
14) Do You Tweeze your eyebrows? No, i like my eyebrows alot...although i wonder what they would say on "What Not To Wear" because i watched several back to back episodes where they lightened eyebrows to bring out the eyes...
15) What kind of sneakers? sale shoes
16) What is your Hair color? although some "friends" have said my hair is brown (:( ) my hairstylist friend says i have dark blonde hair (and she knows colour) and i have light blond lowlights in it right now.
17) Future child's name? we dont discuss names publicly
18) Do you snore? when i'm stuffed up or way way overtired...i dont think i get into a deep enough sleep these days with a newborn.
19) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? Paris, France
20) Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No (baby and husband fill up the bed at this point)
21) If you won the lottery, what would you do first? pay off debts
22) Hamburger or hot dog? hamburger
23) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? the house salad from the Roadhouse Eatery in White Rock...it has goat cheese and carmelized pecans...and the portions are huge (although if that was all i could ever eat, i probably wouldnt eat huge portions at a time...)
24) City, beach or country? Country (wow! i cant believe i wrote that...i think at this stage i just really like privacy and quiet...two things that i dont get too often in this house!)
25) What was the last thing you touched? keyboard
26) Where did you eat last? livingroom
27) When's the last time you cried? a month ago maybe...
28) Do you read blogs? yes
29) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? no.
30) Ever been involved with the police? yes...speeding tickets and i took a polygraph test once...that was very fun. there was a robbery at the ticket kiosk i worked at in Whistler. i like to think they chose to test the person they thought was most guilty and the one they thought was least likely (me, ha ha). anyway, the policeman said "wow, you're body really does not like to lie!" because its really all about how your body reacts to the stress of lying versus telling the truth.
31) What's your favorite shampoo conditioner? Fructis but i tried one of the Bedhead shampoo conditioners and really liked that.
32) Do you talk in your sleep? yes
33) Ocean or pool? pool...the ocean here is pretty stinky and yucky...i'm totally over the whole swim in the ocean thing, at least here, maybe if it was somewhere where the sand was white and the water was light blue, it might seem a little cleaner...
34) What's your favorite song at the moment? "The Letter B" (off of "All Star Alphabet")
35)What's your favorite color(s)? burgundy
36) Window seat or aisle? Window
37) Do you feel you have had a truly successful life? Definitely. I have a wonderful family, my husband is perfect for me, i am truly happy and my faith in God has grown and is still an integral part of my life.
38) Do you like beer or wine? wine.
39) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl
40) Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey? oprah
41) Basketball or Football? Basketball
42) How long do your showers last? 5-7 minutes if i'm not washing my hair, 20 minutes if i am (my hair is so long right now...its hard to get all the soap out)
43) Automatic or do you drive a stick? i drive stick. i used to think it was cool but i would much rather have an automatic from now on. standard totally caused braxton hicks for me when i was pregnant and its alot harder to multitask with standard...or alot more dangerous.
44) Cake or ice cream? Cake.
45) Have you ever drank so much you threw up? no.
46) Have you ever given money to a tramp? by "tramp" i assume the question means "poor beggar" and if so, yes
47) Have you been in love? Yes, i am more in love now then ever and i do believe its a choice so i look forward to watching it grow hee hee.
48) Where do you wish you were? Right here, right now.
49) Are you wearing socks? yes. i love socks. i love comfy socks. they make me feel like my feet are getting a hug and since i'm on my feet all day i need the padding.
50) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? i dont think so...
51) Can you tango? maybe
52) Last gift you received? bath stuff
53 ) Last sport you played? bowling
54) Things you spend a lot of money on? diapers and milk!
55) Where do you live? british columbia
56) Where were you born? british columbia
57) Last wedding you went to? maria & colin
58) Favorite fast food restaurant? taco del mar
59) Most loved food(s): goat cheese, steak, toblerone, berries, pickles, grapes
60) Most hated food(s): brussel sprouts, greasy foods, pretzels, snack mix (super salty snacks)
61)What's your least favorite chore? Cleaning the toilet
62) Can you sing? Yes
63) Last person you text messaged? my brother
64) Last place you went on holiday? Ontario
65) Favorite regular drink? Water.

11 days to go

wow, i'm almost at 10 days to go!!!

i should have been sleeping for the last 3 hours but i got woken up by the tenants arriving to move in (i had to give them a key) and then i just couldn't get various nesting ideas out of my head (storage room--you're next on my list!!!). diedre is still asleep and its been 3.5 hours, this is the longest she may have ever slept. derek is also sleeping as he was up until 5am, then i woke him at 8am after i got more reno supplies from Home Depot and we both worked for 2 more hours in the suite.

i am feeling tired, but okay. i think i will probably wake derek up when diedre gets up so we can spend the afternoon together--imagine that!? its been awhile! my poor guy has been doing double duty these days and i'm so glad he will get a little rest before baby2 comes...although for all the work i've been putting in, baby2 might be coming sooner than we thought (or so i can hope).

i'm going to try putting diedre to be in her new room (if we deem it safe, i'm a little worried about her new dresser being tippy and some of the other furniture as well, so we'll have to secure it to the wall or something).

anyway, i'm enjoying my final days of pregnancy. it hurts, its heavy, i have a hard time walking when i first get up from sitting or lying down and by night time i am seriously hobbling around--but the baby is moving tons still, i think it dropped down even lower the other day (i felt a strange pressure on my bowels all of a sudden) and i'm excited! i'm enjoying my time with diedre and am looking forward to seeing how she handles this change in her life and mommy time.

xo
amanda

diedre's up!

6 weeks to go!

Michelle tells me its time to update so while Degrassi the next generation is on tv (my latest lunchtime ritual) i will express my inner thoughts on my current and upcoming state of affairs.

6 weeks to go is really exciting.

the birth
i'm nervous about leaving diedre for one to two days...we spend all our time together so it will feel weird to not have her around. i don't want her to be sad :(
i guess thats why home births would be nice, a real family affair, but i really want my doctor there. i could not imagine having my baby without him there.
i really want diedre to be able to come meet the baby as soon as possible, before any friends or anyone else. since its "our family." i really want her to feel special and involved...i know she's young, but i just know i'll miss her so much.

i'm also nervous about getting poked and prodded when its time to get internals again...ugh...and of course labour. i am hoping it goes much much faster and that the baby is not posterior...speaking of which, i better get on my hands and knees and scrub that kitchen floor (thats supposed to help keep the baby in position).

parenting
as usual, diedre is still a delight to parent. she is picking up new words all the time and unless she is sick, she is a really happy and quite obedient child. we have definitely had a few days where she's been terrible and i'm on top of everything she does, but teaching her to listen to mommy and daddy is so important that i know i gotta just do it. i'm really working on teaching her to listen on the first try. i dont want to be a "thats one" "thats two" "two and a half" "ok, you're in trouble missy" kind of parent. i think to listen immediately is important with the amount of mobility she has, i dont want her running to the road. i dont know if what i'm doing works, but thats what i do: if she doesnt listen, i remove her from the situation or do a time out or whatever discipline can or needs to be done right away.

learning to co-parent is always a challenge. i think we are doing better and better all the time. its such a learning experience. i'm with her more, so i do most of the disciplining and teaching. i really make an effort to not question what derek does in front of her and just decide if it matters or not, then talk to him later about it. i used to always be like "derek! what are you doing?!" which was not good for him or her...oops. anyway, i admit my fault and move on to a better way (most of the time).

the house
we have furniture to get diedre's room set up. my good friends bought us a toddler bed (they said it got thrown in with a bunch of stuff they bought at a garage sale on sunday) and andrew and heather gave us a dresser. i also got a toybox and shoe/coat rack thingy from another friend's neighbour. i'm really excited to get her room set up so we can start cleaning all the baby stuff (car seat, swing, bouncy seat, etc) and put it in the baby's room so diedre can play with it and get used to it being around. as well as being used to her new room and toddler bed and such. its alot of transitions so we gotta get on it soon. i really think it will be ok, because it will be our old room...i suppose if we'd planned ahead a little better we could have avoided ALL of us switching rooms, but our bedroom now is medium sized, good for diedre, and our new bedroom is a den with a sliding glass door to the backyard and deck (so traffic to go outside will go through our room).

we were very blessed to get some paint from our friends. they gave us four shades of yellow. we are looking forward to getting it on the walls.

our suite is currently vacant and we are really hoping to have it rented by the fifteenth. we are planing to lay tile, put in a new vanity and a white toilet (i'm getting it free from craigslist, my stepdad is picking it up tonight and bringing it over). of course we want to put other new floors in but don't have the money since we don't have renters. we'll see what we can do.

being landlords is another learning experience:
1. Never take "yes, i want to take it" as a real "yes" until the money is in hand! (i'm sure everyone is saying "duh, of course not" but its pretty exciting to have someone say they want it after doing soooo many showings...it gets tiring to have to not trust ANYONE's word...so i let one call go "i'm pretty sure its taken" when in fact, it was not).
2. Get all damage in writing, take pictures. The RTA site has a great checklist now for damage, do a thorough walk through first, both sign it, then do one upon move out so you know exactly the condition and the damage.
3. Don't show the suite with tenants home if possible. my tenant was sick in bed "cough cough, come on in, its fine." i guess i should have communicated better with them. i did not NEED to show it on days that they were sick in bed--but i didnt know they were! i did not need to show it on days when they were using the master bedroom and wouldnt allow us to show it--but i didnt know they would not honor our predetermined "showings schedule." next time, i hope i will remember to lay it all out: if they need to break the date, fine, just let me know. dont tell me when there are people at the door waiting for their appointment. And i would probably request that they tidy up a bit more...that may be overstepping boundaries for the landlord, but i paid for three weeks of ads to show a dirty smelly suite...not so nice.

we really did have great tenants, just upon leaving things were not so good.

anyway, gotta go visit my baby now! i hope this is enough to keep you all informed!
ciao

3 months to go!!!

its amazing but true, this baby has been growing and growing and only has 3 months to go before birth!

i'm finally feeling better, more energetic (i still "need" my coffee most days) and pretty optimistic about the future growth of our family.

i am gaining weight now and able to eat almost anything. i wish weight was not such an issue for me. i know when i was at my ideal weight, i really felt like i had body image issues under control and it was perfect timing to have a daughter...but the past year has been hard. my body has changed so much, there is some permanent damage from childbearing. i think the stage my body is in now is great because the belly has grown enough that it is hard and not flabby at all, but i know i'm just going to get bigger and bigger.

it was really nice for me to not gain weight until later in the pregnancy, but i know its inevitable and healthy to do so, but its still a little humbling. with my first pregnancy, i pretty much gave up eating healthy the last trimester and ate burgers and fries alot. i gained 7lbs one WEEK. it was pretty crazy. although the doctor said it was water retention more likely than from all the peanut butter cookies i'd eaten (although, i assured him, i ate ALOT of pb cookies).

at this stage, i've gained 10lbs so if i gain 1lb or less per week the rest of the pregnancy (14 weeks), i will be right on track. i will try to be disciplined and eat healthy and then i'll know its all happening as it should be. i'm pretty doubtful that i will only gain 1lb per week. i guess i feel more confident or that i know its my responsibility to eat healthy, and if i don't, i know i will pay for it later and be annoyed that the weight isn't coming off, etc...so its a toss up, each time i want a cookie :)
***
diedre has been falling asleep in my arms for nearly one month after being sick for several weeks and then travelling. but this week i've really been trying to get her back into falling asleep on her own. there is a little crying, but each night or naptime it becomes less and less.

i'm so glad diedre is finally healthy and back into a rountine. we are really loose with some aspects of her routine, but having the "falling asleep" skill is sooo helpful! i'm feeling more rested because of it and last night was perfect. derek and i were able to watch a show then visit without me holding her asleep because she was already in her crib. derek and i have not spent 2 hours together (alone) in the evening before 10pm in forever!!! so it was great.

diedre's also been sleeping a little longer than her usual 9 hours which is awesome. i've been jealous all year of my friends' kids who sleep 12 or more hours per night, plus long naps! but if she can sleep 11 hours then i'm laughing! now is the time, or rather, from now on that it would be so helpful if she was consistent with the longer sleep so i can get the final 3 months of rest before baby2 arrives.

i guess thats probably a sufficient update at this point. thanks for reading :)

ciao

sick, sick, sick

argh, nothing beats being sick like being really sick...

diedre got a nasty medley of illnesses the other week (ear infection #4, throat infection, and croupy cough) so i had a very boring long weekend sitting and watching Baby Einstein or other kid movies with her. she started to get better mid-week, just when a terrible "croupy" cough started happening in my throat and chest.

it is now more of a head cold with a terrible cough that makes me pee sometimes (well, you try coughing for 5 days and nights and see if you can hold it together the whole time!). its very frustrating and i havent been getting good nighttime sleep or much rest at all during the day. its been really challenging and by the time i'm better, derek will have this too probably.

today i feel so-so. i was able to have a steamy shower (to loosen the chest congestion) and then a really yummy and healthy smoothy for breakfast, followed by a hot coffee. it really helped. i'm at the rudolf stage, where i have a constantly running nose and a very evil sneeze too!!! thats when it all comes out...icky

anyway, i've had better days. 5 days of this has been too much. but i just keep thinking i gotta get better one of these days. and i'm sure i will.

tonight, we will be celebrating my mom's birthday (its on wednesday) so hopefully our little family is not contagious or anything...we will have to keep our distance from the mellengers and my parents too.

derek and diedre are still napping, but i think we need to go soon since its a good hour to get to white rock. hopefully the nap will help derek feel better for today.

ciao

braxton hicks already?

i was lying on my back and i felt my womb tightening. i dont know how to write this without it sounding gross, but i could feel my womb, with my hands, the size of a melon. it was kind of cool, kind of painful. i dont think its anything to worry about, but yikes, 16 weeks, thats pretty early to be getting contractions :)

i went to a dietician on friday. it was quite interesting. i learned a few things:

1. skim milk has all the calcium i need in it. i thought when pregnant, i should drink a higher percentage for the fat content, but oh no no, she assured me, i need fat, but not milk fat. good fats, like fish oils or olive oil.
2. i should not eat any tuna. i thought that was just an old wives tale/urban myth and that a little tuna was ok. apparently NO, not at all. too much mercury for preg woman.
3. out of the 4 food groups, i was only eating enough grains. not enough fruit/veg, dairy or meat/alternatives...bad. she said it was especially important that i get 3 servings of meat/alternatives because protein helps build cells. she said even big men that come to her are only allowed 2 servings, only pregnant women get 3 servings.
4. i think she said cottage cheese does not have a significant amount of calcium and is therefore a pretty useless food. i dont like it anyway.

she also dissed weight watchers alot. i hate it when health professionals are always dissing things or other doctors. we started out the meeting in a pretty condescending way, but i stuck to my convictions...it went a little something like this:

dietician: why are you here?
me: well, i dont want to gain another 50lbs this time. i also thought you might have some ideas of what i could eat to help me with morning sickness. i dont really know what you have to offer but i'd like to see what you have to say.

d: so you haven't lost all the weight?

me: no, i know thats normal...like lots of people dont lose all their weight...

d: its normal?? [sarcastic guffaw]

me: well, i think it might be because i just stopped breastfeeding recently.

d: where are you getting your information from??? [sarcastic condescension]

me: from my dr. i lost 30lbs within 3 weeks of her birth. the rest has not come off at all (except for when i got really sick and lost 5 lbs). my dr. said it probably had to do with my body retaining fat for breastfeeding.

d: well, thats only like 10lbs or 5lbs maybe [guffaw]

me: ya, that sounds about right.

d: so you were 140 when you got pregnant? and thats a healthy weight for you?

me: i was, but i think 150 is a more comfortable weight for me. i think i was a bit too thin at 140.

d: ok, so thats the 10lbs for breastfeeding.

me: (in my head--that's what i'm saying!!!)

anyway, i didnt walk out or anything, just figured she's one of those experts that has to be right about everything, and my dr. knows squat.

pet peeve of mine. condescending professionals...barf

anyway, baby is kicking once in awhile, not necessarily daily that i notice but its nice.

my mom & stepdad are on their way from Ontario! its so exciting to have them moving here. they are sending us text messages to update their location. they are in terrace bay tonight b/c of car troubles which are all fixed now. they hope to be here june 13th at the latest. yay!!!

ciao

shameless self-promotion. ie. quiz

~

i hesitate in posting my results from this quiz...i saw it on Leah's blog.

What kind of jewel are you?

Amethyst

You are the epitome of loveliness. Your friends secretly hope to learn from you what makes you so beautiful, both inside and out.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

sensitvity

two things i don't like about pregnancy:
frequent peeing and oversensitivity.

first, i have officially entered the frequent peeing zone...i don't remember it happening until the very end last time, but this time, every time i stand up, i gotta go. we were watching a movie last night and i probably went 5 to 6 times. its ridiculous!

secondly, i'm oversensitive as it is, i don't need anymore!

lately, i keep getting insulted by the reactions of other kids or moms to diedre at playgroup. a little girl said "i don't like her, she bites me." (which diedre has never done, and i'm pretty sure hadn't. i looked for teeth marks). the little girls mom assured me that it is just something her daughter says sometimes, ie. "i dont like her, she has an ugly shirt." or whatever.

or today, diedre made this weird screeching noise, that we affectionately call her pterodactyl sound, or we say she is being a pterodactyl. and another mom said "wow, she is noisy." but it was the first sound she made! other kids are constant noise, diedre just lets out a good prehistoric screech every once in awhile, and she's noisy?! ha

see!?! i'm too sensitive. what does it matter? that mom might've said something without really thinking that it might not be a nice thing to say. i know i've done that hundreds of times. i remember when i was pregnant with diedre i would try to get myself psyched up to be tough and would say i need "rhino skin" all the time (thick skin) and my blogfather said something like, you are just fine the way you are, you don't need to be a rhino. but it is too stressful for me to be so sensitive. i want stuff to roll off my back like water off a duck's back. even if i am at all justified to feel hurt or bothered by the reactions of these other kids or parents, its really not about me or diedre.

i know she is "the best" to me and derek and her grandparents and maybe auntie m (diedre's her only niece) and i know that each parent feels the same about their own kid. i cannot expect any different from other parents, i can only control my own behavior, reactions, words, etc. but it sure is harder when i'm pregnant.

when i was pregnant last time, i felt like i was 14 again (those were the days, eh michelle--) with a hurricane of emotions, a mixture of manipulation, control and bewilderedment--i didn't know why i could be sugary sweet one moment and queen bee...yotch the next. it was a strange strange time, one i was soooo glad to grow out of, and so shocked to find i was emotionally back there somewhat when pregnant!

anyhoo, the second time around its not such a shocker. i know what to do. i know i can pray and ask any of you to, too (please) because i know that God has changed who i am soooooo much and He is my only hope!

oh, good news! i felt my baby kick on friday night! it was very fluttery and went on for a minute or two. no denying. its just the beginning, those special kicks that only i can feel. i'm feeling so tired these days, i'm a little scared of what it will be like to have two kids, but i'm getting so excited to meet this little one. i know diedre will be a fun big sister. she is such a special kid to us and is learning so much all the time.

end post

new entry

ha ha, i wonder how long it will take before this title is inappropriate!

anyway, i've been getting a few comments requesting that i post here. i know you check my other blog with all the cute pictures, but i guess you're yearning for my inner thoughts :)

so, i'm 15 weeks pregnant. its been a tougher pregnancy so far than diedre's was. i am more sick and having way more food aversions (who thought cheese and crackers would turn my stomach!). anyway, i'm coping pretty well but haven't put on any "new" weight for this one yet (which is ok with me & the dr. because i still have some leftovers from diedre's pregnancy).

lately, i've been dealing with the beginnings of discipline. its really tricky with such a young kid. i am not prepared to spank yet (as i don't believe she would "get it") so so far she gets a firm warning, maybe a hand tap (if its dangerous: playing with electrical cords or outlets), and usually some time alone (as in one minute or so...really just removing her from the situation).

i stopped nursing about one month ago now. it was a very emotional time for me. i went back on it one day because i missed it and then i just tried to keep diedre away from me during her "nursing" times. she never seemed to miss it, until she got sick, but she didn't persist.

i've been making some friends here in town. its going much better now that i have decided to just take it slow and be "ok" with acquaintances. there is one girl who is so much like me in her honesty and way of asking questions. so we get into some very deep and personal stuff. its interesting because i need to be careful i don't violate myself by disclosing more than i should with someone i've only known for two months. but i can totally see me in her, when she asks some personal probing questions; i remember doing that alot. now, i think i hold back on what i ask people because i know that some people do not have strong enough boundaries to decide if something is too personal or not. so i try to respect where the person is coming from with how i ask questions, to protect them in a way.

i often say "i'm trying to make a life for myself here" in our new town. i think it is really important to be committed to where you are. i remember when i first moved to whistler, when derek and i were dating, i would always talk about my White Rock friends or go down to visit every second week. then one day the pastor said to me "are you going to be here or are you going to be there?" he was trying to encourage me to put my energy into our new life, not trying to keep one foot in the new and one foot in the old.

its hard when you leave your best friends for a new life. its so easy to idealize what you had, but when you return, its never the same. and good, because i changed so much in the 2.5 years i was living in whistler. and now we have been separated from some of our closest friends again (except for one couple that lives here too) but of course, its different, we are all older and have kids now and we don't hang out 5 nights a week anymore.

i really like this stage of life. i love building a family with derek. i love planning our next project on the house (usually out of necessity: laundry area, bathroom; or free stuff: hardwood floors). i really feel like we've made a nice home together, now i just need to get organized and keep it cleaner! its clean enough for me and diedre, but if someone was to "drop by" (no one ever has yet) i would be a little embarassed.

i love watching diedre grow and having "the lights turn on" when she learns something new. its so amazing to me. here are a few examples:

1. we were driving and i hear her yell "a truck" (first time) and i look beside me and there is a big truck. (she yells "a" before most things: "a ball" "a dad" "a kitty" "a doll")
2. i gave her a snack and sat her on her new chair at her little table. later i used the same dish to put dinner in, and i look over and she has sat herself down on the chair (first time) all ready to eat. so cute!
3. after months of us spoon feeding her, derek gave her a spoon and she totally fed herself. awhile back we would try to let her feed herself and it was way to messy.
4. just today, at our parents group, diedre was sitting and eating snack. i put her water cup (no lid) out of her reach (so i thought) and went to get more snack. when i got back she had the cup and there was a little spill on the table. i felt her shirt and it was dry. the other parents told me she drank from the cup by herself. so i let her try again and she took several drinks perfectly! i was so impressed.

this might seem really weird to any of you without kids, but its these little things that we can all do, that i get so thrilled about watching her learn. its also exciting because we taught her how!

ok, i hope that does it friends :) thanks for caring about me

xo ciao

lately life has been...

well, its been so long since i've posted. lots has happened, diedre turned one. that was a great day, a little sad, a little hectic (lots of house guests), then i lost all my pictures (scary) but andrew got them all back.

i have completed my first project with stir and am waiting for another one.

i am living in a new town (since september) and the main thing thats going on, i guess, is trying to get to know people. there are few couples from church that i feel i'm connecting with a bit. then there are a few from other mom's groups. i find it hard sometimes because although i dont have a problem striking up a conversation, i am so sensitive, so if someone seems less interested in talking to me the next time i see them, i worry that i came on too strong or something. its weird to be making new friends at this age i guess. i was not afraid of it before, but i just keep telling myself to give it time. take it slow. dont read into what people say. its pretty annoying that i am so easily upset because i think i am usually fairly self-assured.

i guess its like any other "doubts" i've had in my life, i have to write a mental list so that i can tell myself the truth, in order to bring myself back to feeling the truth and assurance. knowing that about myself has helped me with my faith, with my relationship with derek (early stages) and hopefully in this case too.

diedre has been such a joy. i am enjoying watching her learn and grow and i love to watch her play. its so cute.

i also had my first day away from her, last saturday. i was away from her for 10 hours. several girlfriends and i went downtown vancouver to shop and then to a chocolate buffet. it was very very sweet and i got a new outfit for my friend's wedding. i did really well away from diedre, i almost cried when i was having a 3pm snack, b/c i thought "she should be having a snack now!" hee hee
derek also said he enjoyed his special time alone with her. he will get a little more of that on monday night when i go to a wedding shower.

in other news, my mom has found a job out here, tentatively starting july 1st!!! yay! we are so excited to have grandma jen & grandpa richard out here to spend time with.

anyway, i guess i'll get going, baby d should be waking up soon from a nap. she is still napping great! about two 2-hour naps a day.

ciao

expensive fax service

yikes! after talking it over with derek and joanna about my fax dilemna, i decided to just head to the downtown area and go to a general store to fax.

it cost $2.00 for the first page, and $0.50 each for the additional 14 pages. $9.00!!! that seems like alot to me. i guess you have to spend money to make money.

oh well. if only there was another way...at my old job, i avoided faxing so much that we eventually were able to get our clients to send us "email authorizations." that was much much better.

anyway, i am planning to get in touch with the local thrift store to see if they have tested the fax machines they have there. perhaps i will buy an old one from them.

ciao

i hate fax machines

i just need a fax machine so i can start my new job. i need to fax them the contract so they can respond with my first job. i guess i'll be running out to buy a fax machine as soon as diedre wakes up from her nap. i better get on the phone to try to find the best deal.

at my previous job, there was this room with a big fax machine dinosaur...i sat for 30 minutes straight waiting for it to FINALLY complete transmission. that is where my hatred began and grew. but then my good friends in the travel department took pity on me and would let me do my faxes through their normal fax machine. much better. much happier. i will hopefully get a machine like theirs. simple, new, logical. thats my plan anyway.

Five Factor Personality Test

denise did this test and said she was curious to know results from other people.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have high extroversion. You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends. You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation. Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!" Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

30 years ago today

happy 30th birthday andrew!


me, andrew & our cousin alexa (who is 2 weeks younger than me)

i feel so terrible! i forgot to call andrew on his actual birthday. i NEVER forget his birthday. i guess i usually call early in the morning so he was wondering what happened...my only excuse was i had a bad night last night, only 5 hours of sleep...i hope that gets me off the hook!

anyway, andyroo, its been a great 27 years and 9 and a half months of knowing you! i hope you enjoy these images of our childhood. these are the only good pictures i have of you at that age (mom? do you know what age we are in these photos?).

love you big brother xo

amanda

derek & diedre love you too but they didn't forget your birthday like i did, so don't hold it against them :D happy birthday from them too.

work is right around the corner

i just got my first official invite into the project website for my new job. i will be a contractor with Stir Communications Group. i don't know what jobs will be given me yet, but i have said i'm available as of feb 1st for 12 hours a week. i'm feeling pretty excited about it now. for awhile i felt like i had forgotten all my internet marketing learning. However, after doing some reading i noticed that not much has changed as far as Search Engine Marketing goes since i've been on mat leave. i feel confident and ready to take on new challenges.

we celebrated my brother's 30th birthday on saturday (his birthday is tomorrow, jan 31). it was really significant for me since i've known him my whole life and he has been such an important person to me. derek's 30th is coming up in a month and a half and diedre's first birthday is in 27 days!!! derek's parents are coming out for her birthday so that should be really fun :)

i should probably go do pilates since diedre is still napping (just over 1 hour so far).

ciao

times are changing

its so exciting to see the changes going on around us. diedre is changing and that changes our schedules too. she requires more interaction and attention as she hands us book after book to read, or crawls over for a hug every couple of minutes. its such a blessing and so amazing to see the changes in her. learning new words, practicing sounds, falling asleep easily (yay!!!). i feel so thankful for the time we've had with her so far. what an amazing experience this has been. to have a daughter, to be a mother. i love it.

i cant help but feel a little melancholy over the times that have gone by, the newborn stage, the little bitty clothes, the helplessness of a little baby. now we see her learning some independance in how she plays and explores her world. she's growing up and she's only 10.5 months...it goes so fast. wowsa. but it is inevitable of course. so i'm ok with that too. she is still very little and has so much to learn. these are fun times. times of change.

no movie before bedtime

well, no movie yet...and its 9.20pm...

oh well, i did manage to bluff my way through a blog redesign :D

i found that fun piece of art on a free blog skins site and then figured out how to set up the regular blogger template inside of it. i hope the inner scroll bar doesn't annoy anyone too much (oh, i guess thats bad for marketing!) but i couldn't figure out any other way to incorporate that funness into my blog.

ciao

alone, listless, breakfast table in an otherwise empty room

well, i've been feeling like i need an away-from-home hobby that i can do and give derek an opportunity to hang out with diedre alone. however, derek has hobbies, so he always comes up with an idea first, which leaves me at home alone with diedre instead. joanna and i were trying to come up with an evening idea that we could do once a week, but thats on hold for now because it would cost money and there is too much going on right now (mon-thursdays are busy for either us or them).

derek is out climbing tonight with ben. diedre went to sleep really easily tonight so i have a chance to blog, but i really wanted to go climbing. he thought it would be nice to go out just as "the boys." i guess i could go out when he comes home ha ha. i had so much fun last time we went climbing. derek, ben, diedre & i went. since you have alot of rest time when you go bouldering it worked out really well. i figure derek didnt want to take turns watching diedre at the gym tonight...

i was seriously considering training for the sun run, but there are several obstacles to overcome:
i would prefer to run/train with derek since he has more running experience and is a good motivator. diedre needs to be watched by one of us so running together is a problem.
we could see if the local gym that offers childcare for $2 would take her while we run, but i'm worried that they require that the parents remain in the building (which would make sense, in case of emergency).
maybe this would be a goal better preserved for next year when my mom & richard live near us. wow, the things you can't do when you don't have family nearby.
derek thought maybe we could get together with andrew & heather once a week to run (girls watch the kids, guys run, then switch)...but i guess i want to have a plan to be able to run more than once a week.

i guess i am definitely getting prepared mentally to begin working. i am having so much more energy now that diedre is sleeping all night through (well, most nights, unless i think its 5.45am when really its 2.45am like i did the other night! oops). i have been doubting my ability to jump back into internet marketing or other work tasks lately. However, i find that when people ask me what sorts of things i might be doing i seem to be able to come up with a really good answer (although its pure speculation since my friend hasn't gotten back to me for sure about anything specific for work yet). so thats been making me feel like maybe i still do know my stuff inspite of having a year off!

we are trying to rent out our suite right now. its a scary thing. we really need to get the place rented but we have only advertised at five local churches (last sunday being the first time). i hope we get some more interested after tomorrow (sunday). derek is still working on cleaning it up and touching up paint. he wants to lay tile in the washroom before renting it too, so it looks like it might not be ready until february anyway.

well, i spoke with my brother about the website and he advised me to make a mock-up using the Paint program so i did that yesterday. i think it looks pretty good. i'm looking forward to having something up so i can get going with my company. i have filed so many "nil" tax returns in the last two years, its pretty bad. oh well, at least my company has survived beyond one year!

well, i just hope derek brings home a movie tonight ;)

a new role

well i am officially NOT going back to work full time at Campus Crusade for Christ. i worked there since september 2002. it was a place where i feel i grew up alot.

i got excited today thinking that i can continue to be around for diedre full time. that i can watch her as she learns new things and be there to teach her.

i hope to do some part time work with my friend's company but that wont be right away (since i still have time on mat leave)...and of course there's still choice climbing, my sadly neglected venture.

i own the domain and my brother said he'd make me a website so i paid for hosting and then when i asked him about it he said "don't you have frontpage?" so i guess that's that for now. i'm pretty sure he doesn't read this blog but i know he's really busy so i don't want to pester him with my website need. i would love to learn some basic stuff to be able to get one going but at this point, i don't have a clue how to design one from scratch.

anyhoo, its freeing and exciting to know i wont be going back to "the office" even though there were many good times. i think i will do well at a flexible and varied schedule. i like change and variety so this should work out well, a little parenting, then a little casual work during nap times or when daddio is home to play with diedre.

i have been thinking a bit about how this will change my social life though, so we'll see if adding work into the mix will stress me out. i don't like stress and i hope to be able to avoid it. i figure the main thing i'll be giving up is naps. then derek cant laugh at me and say "how many naps did you have today?" or when i say "i'm tired" and he says "me too, and i didn't get a nap." i don't get alot of sympathy from someone who often gets up before me, works a physically demanding job and then comes home after dark. i must say i do prefer the commute from diedre's room to the living room better than having to drive 20 minutes to an office.

anyway, i'm not sure i'm totally making sense here, but probably michelle and my mom will read this, i don't know if anyone else does...its late so i guess i'll go to bed.

i am feeling very thankful tonight for God's patience with me and love, for derek my match, and for diedre my bright star. my heart is welling up with affection. ciao

live to work or work to live

i have always been a work to live kind of person...now that my maternity leave is ending and we've decided money is a little tighter than we previously anticipated, i am faced with the "need" to work a little.

i had a conversation with my previous employer and since i'm not returning full time there is no position available for me there. he did say they would keep me in mind if any projects come up that i can do from home over the internet.

i spoke with my former boss, who left the company the same time i did last february. he asked me to send him my availability for the next few months and he said they will most likely have some work i can do for his company too. this option is more immediately promising because he is going down to 4 days a week so there is a definite need for contracting work out.

i was pretty down the few days i had between thinking that i got the royal boot from the company i'd been working at for years, just b/c i can't commit to working full time (the legal obligation of giving me back the same job was as far as they were willing to go because they are trying to cut back on salaried positions). but after talking to both of the aforementioned people i felt much better. i felt at first like all my years of good work were just forgotten and that was that, but now i feel that they did value my work and would be willing to work with me again someday.

anyhoo, with all the exciting things going on in my "real" life, its hard to take anything else too seriously. we are so excited to observe diedre's changes and the beginnings of talking and walking. fun times!

changes from high school til now

well michelle posed a fine question in the comments section that i might as well blog about a bit.

i think i have changed alot since high school. i think i am more confident, more considerate, more grounded and less naive. well i should hope so on those last three. i am embarrassed to think that people who knew me in high school or college would think that i am still the same. i guess my melancholy side remembers all the mistakes i made back then. too pious, too judgmental, too sheltered, mean, extremely dysfunctional relationships (especially with michelle and a few friends from college), i better stop before i get too depressed :S of course people who knew me on the surface probably had a better impression of me than those close by (unfortunately).

i used to think that people who were sheltered were lame...until i became a mother. why wouldn't i want diedre to be naive about the things of the world. i don't want her to be socially lame but i would love for her to be naive about many things like drugs and alcohol and unhealthy relationships. one thing (of many) that i always appreciated from my mom was her openness with us about her past and mistakes and such. i am glad we have awhile before diedre will be ready to talk about my past and my mistakes! i'm not so sure how to handle sharing those with her. i just hope we can communicate that God's way is best, that He cares so much for her and sets up boundaries for protection and that there is great freedom within those boundaries. we're still learning that too.

its kind of weird how making mistakes was one of the best things to happen to me so that i could become less judgmental. "i am not perfect so why expect others to be." i still believe there is a standard that a Christian should live up to and if they say they are then there should be some evidence. but that's more of an entry point to talk to them about their struggles, rather than a point to write someone off. i totally regret all the mistakes i have made. i wish i had been and wish that i could be perfect, but if no one is perfect, its best that i'm am not either...

life is really different now being a mom. i have gone through times before diedre where i would take time every day to pray and read the Bible but now that she's here, i know i have the time, but i just so don't do it. i don't really have a good excuse, but i know God knows my heart and that we still have a relationship. growing up, i always thought you had to do everything perfectly to really know and please God, but now i know that being willing and available is good too.

oh ya, another big change has been with honesty. i have been told that i am "one of the most honest people i've ever met" from several people throughout my life. my brother was the same. so was mom. i guess we got it from her. i came to learn that in the transfer of knowledge regarding honesty, i did not receive the concept of "a filter" until much much later. it was when i was 24, i remember learning that you can be honest but you don't need to tell everyone, everything about you. much of this learning was because poor derek spoke to me about it, the victim of my brutal honesty. it was embarrassing in group situations, mostly because it was inappropriate or just "too much information." a friend of mine suggested i learn "responsible honesty." i did, i hope to some degree. the brutal honesty still pops up here and there (like when i was pregnant, overtired, cranky, too giddy, etc.) but i would say that is a MAJOR change to who i am. tact, i have developed some tact :D

another thing that changed would be healing. i had alot of hurts from a young age. i think going to counselling and such really helped but it really wasn't until college that i could look back on my life previous and really take note. i was shocked, angry and hurt. college was a bad year socially. i was a real mess trying to figure things out. like i said earlier, it is with great embarrassment that i think back to anyone who knew me then. it was a strange strange time for me. i only went for one year then i headed to BC to live with my brother. that was the first time i really experienced total freedom and when i really started making some wrong turns for the first time in my overly pious life. thankfully, i was well rooted in my faith and although i wandered for awhile, i did return and get things sorted out with God. and have remained committed to God and my faith since. i have had alot of healing and the bitterness i used to feel is mostly gone. it has been awesome having such a loving man in my life (derek) who says what i need to hear, like leave the past in the past, just like i don't want people to remember me like i was back then, i need to do the same. people change. i know i did.

i better stop on that good note.

ciao

been a long time

i bet that is one of the most common blog titles, or one of many along that line. i have been blogging about once a week on the salmon speaks but neglecting this one. i've decided that i want to try to write a little more content on both blogs for several reasons:

1. i'm quickly forgetting how to type...its been many a day since i could type 70 wpm!
2. there's more to me than just a snappy photo clicker...i'd like to share a bit of info about me and the family even though a good photo blog says alot too.
3. i'm losing my grasp on the written word too. spelling, grammar, sentence structure, thought process, eep, those are all severely lacking. i think i'm good at the spelling but all the rest are scary. even writing that sentence took several re-do's and ok, i'm just going to abandon ship on that one now. l8r
4. i dont want to lose who i am. i know i've changed sooo much in the past 9.5 months from being diedre's mother. i know i was really different when pregnant at times. i just want to use this blog as a chance to "discover" the new me, or get comfortable with me. i think people can relate to that. wow, so many changes can come during this one amazing, growing, challenging, discovering year. God bless the child. i love her sooo much.

random things

tagged by michelle

Ten Random Things About Me:
1. i have never broken a bone in my body.
2. i saw my kneecap (it was very pearly white) when i was 16 and skinned my knee down to the bone.
3. i went through a short punk phase where i'd wear my hair in these weird nubby rolls all over my head.
4. i only started snowboarding so i could get to know this guy i had a crush on in grade 10 (and also to make andrew happy).
5. people always tell me i'm 5'9" even though i'm 5'6.5" (people have argued with me about it, and we take out the measuring tape...and i'm still only 5'6.5").
6. i was never afraid to tell people how much i weighed because they would often think i was 20 lbs lighter than i actually was.
7. i used to be really good at math until grade 11 when a bad/mean teacher told me i was stupid and shouldn't be in the contest math class.
8. i like my natural haircolor.
9. i didn't learn to tell time until grade 5 or 6 (i just didn't want to know...i didn't care).
10. i went to the national level for public speaking in French, in grade 7. le concours d'art oratoire (i still have the t shirt).

Nine Places I've Visited:
1. Ottawa, ON
2. Peterborough, ON
3. Toronto, ON
4. Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
5. Reno, NV
6. Penticton, BC
7. Seattle, WA
8. Smith Rock, OR
9. Silicon Valley, CA

Eight Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. see mike knott in concert!
2. Get a Bachelor's Degree
3. enjoy rockclimbing again
4. Have another baby
5. Become a Grandmother
6. travel
7. go on a real shopping spree
8. be prepared to die

Seven Ways Derek Won (and keeps winning) My Heart:
1. love God and want to live for Him
2. be very patient with me
3. let me know when i do something you don't agree with
4. give me lots of hugs & kisses & verbal affirmation
5. be a good daddy
6. be fun & upbeat
7. be understanding & kind

Six Things I Believe In:
1. the God of the Bible, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit
2. encouraging & bringing out the best in other people
3. a lasting marriage
4. work to live, not live to work
5. Breastfeeding
6. wherever you go, there you are

Five Things I'm Afraid Of:
1. getting into a car accident with diedre on board
2. That diedre will get hurt or sick and I won't be able to help her
3. being all alone in the dark
4. disappointing people
5. death (i'm working on that one, but since having a baby, i don't like to think about it...but i know i should be okay with it...)

Four of My Favorite Things in the Bedroom (no extras in my room yet, we just moved!):
1. bed
2. clothes
3. heat
4. body pillow

Three Things I Do Everyday:
1. say i love you to derek & diedre
2. give hugs & kisses to derek & diedre
3. try to acknowledge God in all things

Two Things I Hate:
1. when the play areas for diedre are dirty from pets (i hate finding animal hair on her cheeks)
2. that i'm too easily insulted. lately i've really been thinking about how much i dont want to pass that on to diedre, its such a burden!

One Person I Want to See Right Now:
1. my mom

i tag my mom

fall

apparently i've been tagged by leah for saying she's a bad blogger...i think what i actually said was "you're the worst!" but Leah, you'll be glad to know, you are not actually the worst. i think the worst right now would be my friend rose--may 15! was the last post. yada yada busy lives, we've all got busy lives people! its about priorities, and if giving a glance into your life is not a priority...then i guess thats when you become a bad blogger...ok anyway, onto the taggingness

top 10 loves re: fall
1. changing leaves
2. blackberries wrapping up the season
3. long weekends (sep, oct & nov all have statutory holidays--still cool even if i'm on mat leave cuz then derek is around more)
4. wearing sweaters feels cozy
5. rain :S
6. the grass dies :S
7. can't just sit outside on the grass (it might be weepy from the rain) :S
8. house is colder :S
9. husband will want to let the animals sleep inside cuz its getting colder :S
10. have to start making fires again to keep the chill out of the house :S

ok, so i could only think of 4 things i like about fall...and #2 isnt even that good of a thing since i love blackberries. fall just seems to be so much about death. plants die, leaves die, grass dies...then it starts to rain alot. hmmm anyway, i love christmas time and then we're heading back to spring.

feeling quizzical

find your inner PIE @ stvlive.com

theological quiz

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan. You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavily by John Wesley and the Methodists. Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 96% Neo orthodox 79% Reformed Evangelical 71% Fundamentalist 64% Roman Catholic 54% Charismatic/Pentecostal 50% Emergent/Postmodern 43% Classical Liberal 43% Modern Liberal 14% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

i guess i better look into what John Wesley and the Methodists have to say...that sounds like a good band name. ha ha

i don't really understand how those percentages breakdown...any ideas? the only thing i can think of is out of the number of questions that could peg me as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan...i responded to 96% of them...

anyhow, i saw this off of pernellog

july 19 - a very special day

i've been pretty stressed out lately because of all the house stuff...it has not been a simple or straightforward situation in the least. i've spent so much time in the car (and poor diedre in her car seat) and thats added to my stress too. i was really trying to keep a good laissez-faire attitude and trust that things will work out as they should, but i guess my mind did not always have that control to stay cool :)

anyway, we signed our subjects removal at 11.10am. there was a lot going on with this deal and so even though we removed subjects we were not sure it would work out b/c we were past the deadline. the sellers failed to produce a document in time and delayed our final approval so we were not able to sign off last night at midnight...the sellers would not grant us an extension, so we were kind of taking a stab in the dark, to see if they'd still let us buy the house. so our realtor faxed the signed contract at noon and we waited.

i later found out that joanna had her baby around the time we were signing!!! she had a boy, Gabriel (middle names pending) 7lbs 21 inches. i went to see him in the afternoon. he was really cute. looks similar to david did as a baby.


here's joanna yesterday!

at 7.40pm we got the call from our realtor saying he received a signed fax from the sellers accepting our subjects removal. we got the house! how exciting! we take possession sept 24.

i am especially excited about two things:
we get to get rid of our junk.
we get to hang family pictures in a central location rather than in our bedroom (like we have done here b/c of our housemate).

yay!

a new place

i've been running around like crazy trying to get the details organized for us to buy a house. since derek is working and the sellers only gave us 3 business days to remove subjects, i'm hustling--big time. but it looks like it worked. tomorrow we have a building inspection and then we need to decide if we will take the house. its pretty exciting to be heading in that direction, and scary too of course :)

i never thought the day would come when we could buy a house...well thats not entirely true, i figured the only way we could is if God made it happen b/c we had such debt and seemed like this was so far off. but here we are, it could happen tomorrow. wow

learning curve never stops

well big life lessons are happening these days. God is showing me what i already know to be true but gap out on frequently: He can be trusted :)

how great to have such a patient God to love and teach me. i want to be like that too. a safe and patient person to trust...for diedre and derek and anyone else in my life.

today was a great day. a family day. a challenging day.

peace

MIT helper

2 hours til bed

i have a fairly relaxed style of parenting...diedre is the boss and so i pretty much just respond to her cues. so that means, tonight at 4.30 when she was really fussy and wanted to sleep, i helped her go to sleep. then she woke up by 7.30 and i had to help her go to sleep again for a couple of hours. it was very tiring, my back hurts from bouncing/rocking her...but i don't regret it. i like holding her. she is so precious and so nice to look at. i am planning to try to teach her how to go to bed by herself when she is closer to 6 months old. not far off yet.

i am so insecure sometimes that when people say "oh, you do that??" or if i hear them bad mouth people who have to rock their babies to sleep, i feel bad, like i'm doing something wrong. its amazing how as a new parent, i was totally inexperienced with babies but i had to learn to listen to some people/advice and let other stuff go.

it is the ultimate test for a people pleaser. there will ALWAYS be someone who disagrees or disapproves--and thats exactly what my personality hates. i want everyone to like me, respect me, support me. but it can never be that way. so fending off my inner thoughts and deprecations is totally necessary so i can focus what diedre actually needs from me. i say that diedre is the boss now, and although it can be hard sometimes, i love my new boss, she's the greatest.

peace

its been some time

A Call to Holy Living
1 peter 1.13 So think clearly and exercise self-control. Look forward to the special blessings that will come to you at the return of Jesus Christ. 14 Obey God because you are his children. Don't slip back into your old ways of doing evil; you didn't know any better then. 15 But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God--who chose you to be his children--is holy. 16For he himself has said, "You must be holy because I am holy."

i've been really struggling with an old issue...that of over eating and body image. i think its really important now that i have a daughter to really get a handle on these things. i want to teach healthy body image and healthy eating. not gorge and guilt. so i asked God to please help me with this. i learned how to eat well and think right about myself and food, now i need help again. thank you that my value is not in these things.